SWMBO says....

[WildGingerBrewing]

Anyway. so the update is -- there is no update. There is a side story here which I will include at some point (has to do more with mood, but not any surrounding "why" to the whole thing). It's just a battle I have chosen not to fight. I would rather be happily married and look forward (desperately?) to one beer every week and a half than fight. It just boils down to that.

No offense, but it doesn't sound like you're happily married. You posting here to vent about it, shows your unhappiness. And, if she is telling you what you can and can't do, you're not married, you're lilving with your mom. And if you are happily married now, you won't be soon. This much I promise you. Sorry to be blunt, but man up and grow a pair. If you're over the legal drinking age, you are not abusing alcohol, you support your family and treat her right...tell her to f*** off and drink another beer. I really do apologize for being so blunt about this but I have a friend whose wife just runs his life. He can't do anything and he is absolutely miserable. They separated last week and I have never seen him so happy! The funny part is that she left him! You want to know why? Because she wanted a "real man" that she couldn't push around! Good luck.

 

[JayD]

Bluntness is fine. I appreciate the point and obviously common (man's) wisdom would be that I just need to grow a pair. Just doesn't seem that easy in practice -- I just end up feeling like an *******.

 

[WildGingerBrewing]

Understood. It's much easier said than done.

 

[JayD]

I suppose I am hopeful that once she sees that I can comfortably (ie, without DTs) have one beer every 1.5 weeks, then she'll relax the "rules" and we can discuss it reasonably. I mean she is generally a reasonable person.

 

[WildGingerBrewing]

How old are you both and how long have you been married? any kids?

 

[Reno_eNVy]

Okay, so then she's more like The Husband Whisperer now... and I'm making a reference to the Cesar Milan whisperer, not the Native American one with the horses.

Are you being a good boy? Then I will reward you will a reasonable conversation that will still end up being in my favor.

It's called positive reinforcement.... it's how you train dogs.

 

[JayD]

Okay, so then she's more like The Husband Whisperer now... and I'm making a reference to the Cesar Milan whisperer, not the Native American one with the horses.

Are you being a good boy? Then I will reward you will a reasonable conversation that will still end up being in my favor.

It's called positive reinforcement.... it's how you train dogs.

if you read through all my posts in this thread you will notice my reference to Pavolv's dog.....

 

[Reno_eNVy]

And you're comfortable with that? Have some dignity, man

 

[JayD]

And you're comfortable with that? Have some dignity, man

I can't respond. If I did it would be for me to tell myself to grow a pair, as has been said by many already. I honestly do not know what to say. As I said earlier, standing up for this just makes me feel like an *******.

 

[WildGingerBrewing]

I can appreciate that. Fighting for the right to drink beer almost make you seem like you have the problem she doesn't want you to have. But, nevertheless, it's only going to get worse. And have you put your foot down on anything she does yet?

 

[JayD]

I can appreciate that. Fighting for the right to drink beer almost make you seem like you have the problem she doesn't want you to have. But, nevertheless, it's only going to get worse. And have you put your foot down on anything she does yet?

Only to much disagreement and me feeling like what I put my foot down about is stupid, and making me feel like an *******. She usually just replies that she "has changed so much for me" and stuff. And flips it on me -- kind of "what have you ever done for me."

I don't want to just sell her up the river...

 

[WildGingerBrewing]

Sounds like MOST women! It's never THEIR fault. hahaha

Tell her that her "changes" have not been for the better.

 

[azscoob]

She usually just replies that she "has changed so much for me" and stuff. And flips it on me...

She sure did change for you, she went from the fun to be with person you dated, to the unreasonable control freak you are now married to.

 

[TxBrew]

I figured it out. Just tell her you forgot. When she's all "Is that number three?" Just be all

"Oh yeah... I forgot." Then play stupid. She'll get mad at your forgetfulness and forget about the fact you just opened another.

In theory.

 

[Bopper]

In theory.

Everything works in theory. I'd like to move there!

 

[JayD]

Tried that TxBrew. Response being "you are going to say you'll do what I want [phrased as "what we agreed on"] and then still do what you want to aren't you" followed by meaning but not saying "if you loved me you'd..."

 

[IrregularPulse]

It's just a battle I have chosen not to fight. I would rather be happily married and look forward (desperately?) to one beer every week and a half than fight. It just boils down to that.

Not to be a jerk, but I guess we have different definitions of being "Happily Married". Mine does not include my wife telling me what I can and cannot to and how often I can do it. Best of luck to you though in the long run.

 

[Airborneguy]

No offense man, but this thread has made me so happy I left my first wife and found the one I am with now. The only thing she has ever "told" me to do (more like asked, but in that "telling" me way) was to not go to an obstacle course race I signed up for which now happens to be a week before her due date. I kinda had to give in on that one

But seriously man, you are in for a life of pain if she is already realizing that you will give in to what she says. You should DEFINITELY try counseling. The counselor we tried before my divorce told my wife that she was not good at compromise. Even though she was a female, she quickly read that my ex-wife had an "out" (her parents), and used it whenever we disagreed on something. Counselors know their stuff, just get reccomendations before choosing one. I can tell you first hand that my life has never been better. It only took me three years to find the perfect woman for me and we have a great relationship which I wouldn't trade for a second.

 

[JayD]

suggestions for getting recommendations about a counselor?

 

[IrregularPulse]

That you??

 

[steinsato]

Maybe you should just start shooting heroin. Then she'd have bigger fish to fry.

 

[Airborneguy]

Talk to friends. Do you know anyone who has seen a counselor in your area? Sounds embarrassing but honestly that's the best way. Especially if you ask a friend who had a rocky marriage and smoothed everything out. Do you have health insurance? Call them if you do. They will not only give you the list of counselors they cover (mine covered it), but also will give recommendations. If you are religious, you can also go to your church/synagogue/mosque... they sometimes are the best counselors because they value family and will give you a lot of attention.

Best of luck. Like I said before, I went through this. My ex-wife tried to dictate everything, and all we did was fight because I never gave in. She threw pasta sauce at me once straight out of the pot and burned my face because I didn't ask her what she wanted for dinner, even though and hour before she told me she wasn't hungry. She said I couldn't homebrew and tried to tell me how much to drink. She became my ex real fast when the demands became frequent.

Even though the counseling didn't technically work, it was beneficial because it helped me realize that the marriage was irreparable. The counselor agreed with most of my complaints because my ex couldn't hide her true nature from anyone (except me in the beginning unfortunately...)

 

[Jester369]

I suppose I am hopeful that once she sees that I can comfortably (ie, without DTs) have one beer every 1.5 weeks, then she'll relax the "rules" and we can discuss it reasonably. I mean she is generally a reasonable person.

Unfortunately, I would put money on it going the other way: Once you are down to one every week and a half, she will make it one beer every two weeks.

 

[Hang Glider]

Tell her you really feel stepped on, you're internally not happy about this arrangement, you feel inferior to her and powerless - and if she cares about YOU, she'll go to counseling with you -

If you don't have any friends with recommendations, do NOT take any recommendations she makes - pick one out of the yellow pages...

 

[Laughing_Gnome_Invisible]

Unfortunately, I would put money on it going the other way: Once you are down to one every week and a half, she will make it one beer every two weeks.

Like the photography sessions, you mean?

 

[Jester369]

Like the photography sessions, you mean?

Are you kidding? She was the one who told me to get the camera last time - I just wanted to get to the foolin' around!

 

[bull8042]

Are you kidding? She was the one who told me to get the camera last time - I just wanted to get to the foolin' around!

Selfish bastid! How about thinking of us next time!

 

[Brewdouche-RuBrew]

I am sad and concerned for you Jay. This has been going on for about a month, and you still havn't gotten to the root cause. Untill you get to the root of her control issues no action, or lack there of will solve the real issues, or make it so you can drink a beer like a normal responsible adult. Let alone whats coming, and it is.

 

[avidhomebrewer]

Beernip summed it up pretty well. Time to turn the plates her way and let her make a decision like that instead of throwing out crazy ideas your way. 1.5 beers/week? Nonsense.

 

[McKBrew]

At my wife's request I cut way back on my drinking.

She grew up with an alcoholic mother, and doesn't care much for beer. For the longest time after starting brewing and the first couple of years she didn't say much and I assumed it was OK. As she finally opened up to communicate, I realized how it bothered her.

While I personally would like to drink more often, I know where she is coming from and Love her enough to respect that. Therefore I try to minimize my drinking, and then I might have a couple days a week where I drink what I want. Also, during her monthly special time I don't abstain as much.

I actually adapted faster than I thought I would. Not saying your situation is the same, but honestly you have to decide what is important and see if you can reach a compromise.

 

[McKBrew]

After reading through some of your other posts, I see you might have more of an issue.

I did not read through all 15 pages, so I don't know if your wife has some issue with beer due to something in her past. Regulating your consumption to just a beer or so every week is a bit much (barring some underlying reason) and you might honestly have other issues to deal with.

 

[Schlenkerla]

To the OP,

To some degree she needs to deal with it or get her own counseling. If she has issues with acoholism, how is it your problem? The same could be said with a sexual assault. If you are not to blame why must you be punished. Having patience is understandable. Being wrapped around her thumb will cause resentment.

I once had a buddy on AA who didn't mind me drinking in front of him. We had lunch together where I ordered a beer. I asked if bothered him that ordered a beer. He said that his problem is just that, HIS, and it was irresponsible to blame others for his issues. He had to deal the fact that others will drink around him. He can't live in shell.

 

[Ringmaster]

Well i've never been married but i've had a few buddies let woman control their lives and i've had the same thing happen to me. Some woman can be manipulative. I refused to stop drinking for a girl, but i slowed way down, but after she left she had the audacity to say it was because i drank to much. She was drinking more then me!

Anyway i realize standing up for yourself can seem a little scary and make you feel like an *******, but try to think about how drinking actually affects her, and how it affects you. If she doesn't seem to care about alcohol except for the fact that your not following her orders it seems like an unfair request from her.

Just tell her you outright refuse to do something like that. Tell her the minimum your willing to drink and that's that. She seems to think she can do whatever she wants, but it's your body i'd imagine you have final say on these things. Atleast i'd hope so. And if you have to have a fight about it try to think of it like ripping off a band aid, this'll be easier once it's off right? She doesn't seem to trust you if she thinks she needs to tell you what you can and can't do.

You won't become an alcoholic if your drinking a couple beers a night and it's ridiculous to insinuate it 2 beers a night can affect anyone negatively. I think it actually improves your cognitive functions, along with your heart and whatever else the latest study says.

This seems less like a drinking thing and more like a trust thing.. Anyway I've been following this thread for awhile and i thought i'd throw in my 2 cents, Take it or leave it. It's your life, just try to figure out where it's leading, and decide if it's taking you where you want to go. Nothing any of us say can change anything anyway, it's all really up to you.

Or if you want to be sneaky just keep buying beer until you don't have any more fridge space. When she complains about it say "well it wouldn't be this full if you let me drink more"

 

[Airborneguy]

One more thing: if you don't already, DO NOT have kids with this woman until you work this out. You will regret it for the rest of your life! My cousin-in-law is going through this now. His soon-to-be-ex told him that if they got pregnant she would stop bugging him to move to Boston (she's from there), but as soon as she got pregnant she left and went to live with her family. Now, he's fighting in court and knows he's going to have a child for the rest of his life under a really, really crappy situation.

 

[bull8042]

One more thing: if you don't already, DO NOT have kids with this woman until you work this out. You will regret it for the rest of your life! My cousin-in-law is going through this now. His soon-to-be-ex told him that if they got pregnant she would stop bugging him to move to Boston (she's from there), but as soon as she got pregnant she left and went to live with her family. Now, he's fighting in court and knows he's going to have a child for the rest of his life under a really, really crappy situation.

Words to live by. Very good advice..... I can promise you one thing, children will NOT make a troubled relationship better.

 

[JayD]

let's just don't talk about it...

 

[Laughing_Gnome_Invisible]

let's just don't talk about it...

Thread over then!

 

[Hang Glider]

Underlying theme - JayD -

we all want the best for you.

 

[IrregularPulse]

let's just don't talk about it...

That's what fixes most problems. Good luck to ya.

 

[WildGingerBrewing]

You can't stop the thread now. We're WAY too deep into your issues now. Your life has become my soap opera of choice