Ranting about divorce

[JoshuaWhite5522]

First let me apologise to anyone that did get married young and has had a great marriage. These people do exist, I've met them. My In-Laws are an example. Married just out of highschool, and have been together for almost 30 years.

//Start of Rant//

Just had a soldier tell me that he called his wife, and she told him she was cheating on him. (keep in mind we are deployed right now). On top of that he looked at the bank account and it is -500 dollars. All his hard earned money from the past year GONE! As a NCO I have to take care of this soldier, I don't mind that it's my job. So I've been helping him set up new accounts and determine how much money he has to provide to her until the divorce can be final. What does bother me is that I see this all too often. Young adults (21 and under) getting married because of what ever reason, even though they are not ready. Then they realise that military life is actually HARD. They deploy, they don't see each other often when not deployed, the pay is crap, there's a host of things they don't think about. Not to mention they barely know each other. I know too many soldiers that get married after knowing the spouse for only a few months (an apology to those of you that got married quickly and have a great relationahip). Now I have a soldier who's mind isn't going to be where it should when we are out on patrol. None of them ever want to listen when I tell them to wait to get married. If your partner loves you now she'll love you when the tour is over, and if she dosen't then you are not getting run through the ringer. The first few years of marriage are the hardest (I know I had my share of difficulties adjusting to it), and you shouldn't be spending that time halfway across the world. Stupid Kids!!

//End Rant//

again sorry if you are the exception to my rant, I intend no offense to you

 

[Suthrncomfrt1884]

While I agree some people get married too early, I really think it depends on the people how long it'll last. As you said... if the love is really there, you'll make it through the long distance and hard times. I think in our modern world of instant gratification, it's hard for young marriages to work unless you're together all the time.

 

[Bigeb]

I certainly agree with you Josh. I was in the 82nd back in the mid nineties getting ready to deploy. We had a young, married E-4 who's wife threatened to divorce him if he deployed. Some folks, especially non-military spouses are either too young, immature, or just don't get what it means to be in the military. The only choices you have in the military are the one's they let you have and they can change at any time. It would be worthwhile to drill it into all folks (EMs, NCOs, and Officers) that they belong to Uncle Sam first and a family second. It sucks at times but that's the life they signed onto.

Ultimately during deployment the E-4s wife took all the money, burnt all his belongings and moved into her mother's place. The guy was an emotional wreck.

It's too bad the UCMJ can't apply to spouses. Women and men that do this kind of malicious BS to deployed people should be shot in the back of the head.

Your guy will hopefully learn a hard lesson and be better for it. I recommend you keep him very occupied to keep him focused on the mission and other stuff; this'll help keep him from dwelling on his problems. You should also get the chaplain involved. Ultimately, if he's a liability to the unit, he should be sent to the rear.

Best of luck and stay safe!

 

[Bigeb]

I looked at your profile. I see you're a grunt as well. In this case stay very, very safe and always think "center mass."

 

[Airborneguy]

Marriages like that really are a problem in the military. I worked with a few people who already had divorces at 21/22. My brother is leaving for the Army in October and I've already started drilling into him that he needs to be real careful with women. Thankfully, he is joining "late" (he's 21), and has good experience with girls, so he should be okay.

I didn't get married in the Army, but I did try to maintain a long distance relationship with my high school sweetheart back home. It lasted about two years, and she broke up with me while I was on a deployment to Kosovo. It messed my head up big time, and I can't imagine what your soldier is going through. It's going to be tough to keep his head in the game. Do you have any leeway in giving him a few days off? When I told my boss about what happened, they took me to dinner off the base. It actually made a world of difference. It's probably much different where you are now, but there must be some equivelent.

 

[FromZwolle]

i'm the exception (dated for six months, then got hitched at age 20), and in no way am i offended by your rant. people seem to jump into marriage way too easily these days and they just don't seem to take that bond seriously. i've seen half a dozen friends/family members jump into marriage, then it falls apart within a year. it's sad, but some lessons can only be learned by making the mistake for yourself.

 

[Homercidal]

I feel bad for those who do get married and have to endure the life of a soldier. It's hard enough at home with all of the distractions and messages you see in the media about fooling around and infidelity. I can't imagine how hard it is to be away for that long.

I guess I feel pretty lucky. I married at about 22 I think and my wife is 3 years younger. I think we have a wonderful marriage and I think she would say the same.

If someone were to ask what makes it work for us I'd have to say you need to be able to see things from the other person's point of view. Feel how they would feel. Know when to compromise, when to give in, and when to stand your ground (This all comes after understanding what the other feels).

People are so greedy today. They want everything to be perfect and to not have to wait for anything, and they are never at fault. I think in general people should be more giving.

I wish you the best with your predicament. Cheating on a soldier serving their country is a ****ty thing to do. The least she could have done was to wait until he got back to see if they could work it out. I understand she may have physical needs, but honestly I got by for a few years on my own and I bet she could have too.

 

[david_42]

Ditto that based on my experience as a Naval officer. I saw guys get married on a weekend pass, then come home after a month at sea to an empty apartment and bank account. The saddest case was a Morman guy, because the church held him responsible for the divorce, even though she was scum.

I'm getting married soon, second one for her. She married at 19, had two kids, got divorced. Twenty-two years later, she's willing to try it again.

 

[the_bird]

I'm getting married soon, second one for her. She married at 19, had two kids, got divorced. Twenty-two years later, she's willing to try it again.

Congrats on that, David!

 

[JetSmooth]

I don't want to sound like I'm harshing on the military, I'm not AT ALL. I'm an Air Force Brat myself and have infinite respect for anyone who serves their country. I think the pressure of deployment and the military lifestyle probably contributes more than the age of the nuptuals. Sure, immaturity and impulsive emotions driving people into marriage early has a part to play. I think people who get married early need to watch their marriages because they are still immature themselves and having a spouse go away can really stress that.

I met my wife at church camp when I was 15 years old and we got married when I was 21. 11 years later, we've had our ups and downs but I think we have a solid marriage. Now, I never joined the military because I was a theatrical artist-type (and my knees would have kept me out anyhow at that time) so I can't say whether things would have been different had I enlisted.

My heart goes out to anyone having marriage problems. But I think it's a symptom of our society's "easy-fix" and "make me feel good" mindset. People rush into things because it "feels" good and then think it's easy to just walk away if they're no longer getting their "happy".

 

[menewbrewer]

I also think that that young soldiers get married for the wrong reasons, and anyone who has been in the military on deployment has heard it,, Marriage of convience. unfortunately, they do it for more money alot of the times. Hey, bigeb, you were all american in the mid-nineties? I was there from 96 to 2000.

 

[MeatyPortion]

Something like that happened to one of my soldiers last year on deployment; he was getting news from home about finance issues and possible infidelity. All I or anyone else could really do was give him advice, tell him to err on the side of caution, and have a back-up plan if he didn't already have one. He's still with the woman, and apparently happy, but I think there is massive trouble ahead.

 

[ChshreCat]

With my wife's first marriage, it was kind of the reverse of that in many ways. They married young, right out of high school and then were splitting up. After they seperated, her soon to be ex joined the navy. Just before he shipped out he went around town and wrote a few hundred dollars worth of checks on their joint account then withdrew all the cash and closed the account and then headed off to boot. Since he was gone, she was the one the bank went after. Fortunately we were able to corner him on it and he paid it off. He's in his 30's and on his fourth marriage now, IIRC.

 

[RegionalChaos]

Near as I can figure, marriages just take a boat load of WORK. Not a lot of people tell you that, and who the hell listens to the folks that do? I can only imagine adding deployment and immaturity to the list of issues is going to make it even more work!

 

[JoshuaWhite5522]

I looked at your profile. I see you're a grunt as well. In this case stay very, very safe and always think "center mass."

Have been for 6 years now. Finally hit kuwait, so we can let our hair down a bit.

Near as I can figure, marriages just take a boat load of WORK. Not a lot of people tell you that, and who the hell listens to the folks that do? I can only imagine adding deployment and immaturity to the list of issues is going to make it even more work!

With the exception of one soldier, everyone I told to not get married has and is now divorced or getting divorced. Big Army dosen't help when they offer aditional stipends for houseing and food to married service members. These kids see the dollar signs and the chance to get out of the barracks. Not once to thery think about the fact that a marriage will end up costing More they the $1000 a month houseing allowance they get.

Oh and just an update. My soldier told his wife that he's going to come home with divorce paper work, now she's claiming she lie about cheating......... WTF?!?! Who lies about that?

 

[Jenks829]

None of them ever want to listen when I tell them to wait to get married. If your partner loves you now she'll love you when the tour is over, and if she dosen't then you are not getting run through the ringer.

+1 to this.

Oh and just an update. My soldier told his wife that he's going to come home with divorce paper work, now she's claiming she lie about cheating......... WTF?!?! Who lies about that?

Please tell him to bring his fishing bib/overalls along with the divorce papers because is sounds like there is a river of $h!t coming his way!

 

[jmendez29]

Have been for 6 years now. Finally hit kuwait, so we can let our hair down a bit.



With the exception of one soldier, everyone I told to not get married has and is now divorced or getting divorced. Big Army dosen't help when they offer aditional stipends for houseing and food to married service members. These kids see the dollar signs and the chance to get out of the barracks. Not once to thery think about the fact that a marriage will end up costing More they the $1000 a month houseing allowance they get.

Oh and just an update. My soldier told his wife that he's going to come home with divorce paper work, now she's claiming she lie about cheating......... WTF?!?! Who lies about that?

Make sure he stays the course on that divorce. It's obvious she's not lying, but even if she were, then it's obvious that she's f*cking with his head which is just about as bad. Either way, he needs out of that crap FAST! As you said, his head isn't where it should be and that will kill him and maybe others. Too bad we couldn't charge her with murder for that if it were to happen.

 

[Airborneguy]

These kids see the dollar signs and the chance to get out of the barracks.

It's a shame that the Army doesn't have some way for soldiers to get out of the barracks other than getting married. Even in SF, where things were very relaxed, we couldn't get out of the barracks without getting married. Once you hit 22-23 and start to become a real adult, it becomes very tough to deal with barracks life (it was definitely a factor in me not re-enlisting). I bet it's a big factor in soldiers getting married when they shouldn't be.

 

[JoshuaWhite5522]

He says he's still going to go through with the divorce, but everyone does alot of talking when they are half way around the world. We'll see how it pans out when we return. At least he was smart enough to follow some advise and start a second account with only his name on it. So there will be atleast some money waiting for him. Hopefully he won't do anything rash when everyone gets home and starts celebrating

 

[jmendez29]

He says he's still going to go through with the divorce, but everyone does alot of talking when they are half way around the world. We'll see how it pans out when we return. At least he was smart enough to follow some advise and start a second account with only his name on it. So there will be atleast some money waiting for him. Hopefully he won't do anything rash when everyone gets home and starts celebrating

I've seen that plenty of times back in the day... When it comes down to it, I was kind of in that boat myself. I couldn't tell you how many people were telling me "It's cheaper to keep her". I think back on it now and really want to kick those guys in the teeth. I couldn't tell you in enough ways that my divorce was the best thing that happened to me. It's been almost 8 years and I still find ways to remind myself that it was a good thing to split.

Keep on that guy. Make sure he follows through. If he doesn't have any kids with her, then BY FAR the best thing he can do is ditch her before he knocks her up. But, of course, you already know this...

 

[LarMoeCur]

Unfortunately, this is all too common in the military. I’ve been in the Navy 19 plus years. I’ve seen hundreds of young kids get married and divorced in my time. The Military is a lonely place. Most of these kids have never been away from home. They join and get home sick. The quickest way to feel back at home is find a wife and start a family. Unfortunately, they do this with little or almost no courtship. They only find out after they are married that their new spouse is not who they thought they were. Lucky for me I met my wife (married 17 years) in the military, we dated for almost two years, one of which we lived together. We waited to get married, we waited to have kids, until we financially could afford them little money eating $H!TT!N& machines. She understood the intricacies of military life. She knew what deployments were and who and where to find help if she needed it. Not the single next door neighbor who brings over beer to help change a light bulb.

Not to stereo type people but most military bases are not in the best part of town. Most of these ladies know that a military man equals health care and a solid pay check for a very long time. I’ve seen my fair share kids get cleaned out. The worst part about it was that the money grubbers knew more about military entitlements then the service member.

You just have to keep talking to them. Fix the ones you can fix and don't let the B.S. slow you down. If you plan on making the military a career you are going to see this over and over and over again. It hurts when one of your guys get's screwed but it's not you. They brewed that beer now they have to drink it (all 5 gallons of it). Help them as best you can but don't let their mistakes weight you down.

 

[TMet]

When I was in I saw the same thing all the time. Sometimes it was the girls but then sometimes the guys were idiots and had it coming. One guy in my Platoon gave a chick he had known for 3 days access to his bank and credit cards before we deployed. Then he was surprised when he came back broke and in debt with her no where to be found. We told him it was stupid when we found out what he was doing but he insisted "she was the one". Definitely had it coming. I'm in no way saying your Soldier had it coming, but there are idiots out there. Hope everything turns out well for him. A combat deployment is no place to have to try to deal with issues across the pond.

This brings me to another kind-of off topic thing. My first deployment was in 2003 during the invasion. I found it to be by far my easiest deployment because of the lack of communication with home. That's one thing I really think should be kept for combat tours. For emergencies there's always the Red Cross messages but I think regular comm with home should be limited to letters and a weekly 5 minute call like my first deployment. Everyone's head seemed more in the game whereas the following deployments we all worried a lot about things going on at home that we had no control over.

I got lucky and have a great marriage to my highschool sweetheart. But then again we dated for 6 years, living together for 4 of them before we got hitched. So we pretty much knew what we were in getting into.

 

[Joemama474]

I was also an NCO in the Army, and while we deployed that happened to three of my men. Oddly enough, it turns out my wife was cheating on me when I was gone, but at least she didn't spend all the money I made while I was away. We divorced about 5 months after I got home. I wasn't "young" when we married, and we'd been married nearly five years, which is quite a while by today's standards and we had dated nearly three years before we married. I acknowledge that youth plays a role, but I think some of it has to do with being a lonesome homebound partner. I think that people watch the war movies and think that being overseas is like being in a buddy movie. They don't get that it's more like jail. They feel as though they've been abandoned so we can go gallivanting off to do what we want to do, and they don't appreciate or understand the choice we made of "Duty, Honor, Country".

The disruption, though, in my personal life in the wake of that divorce was enough to kill my motivation to be in the military, and when it came time to ETS or re-enlist, I chose to ETS after 13 years of service. Sometimes I regret that decision, but all I have to do to feel better about it is look at my daughter and know that I never have to be away from her. I still have friends who serve. My old unit is gearing up to deploy again. I wish them well and pray for their safety. I hope they all come home alive, and single if neccessary.