Need some advice from the married folks

[rdwj]

I disagree with the entire premise of this statement for one reason. Alcohol decreases inhibitions but it doesn't change morality. Being drunk has been used as an excuse for beating and raping people. Even more so, some people claim that "hard" drugs like heroine and crack "cause" people to do bad things.

If you agree with that statement, ask yourself how drunk you need to be before you'd toss your grandmother's salad.

Alcohol (and other drugs) make people do things that they are unlikely to do sober but they will NEVER do things they would never do. This is why I support the legalization of ALL drugs rather than the criminalization of some. If any drug "makes" people do things then we DO need to ban them all including alcohol that we all so strongly believe is a wonderful thing when respected.

If his wife will cheat on him drunk, she'll do it sober. It might just take a little longer.

I've done things because I was drunk that I wouldn't have done sober. I haven't done anything really stupid in a LONG time, but I have done them. I'm to the point now where I have a wife and kids to think about, so I have more to lose than I did when I was younger. Because of that, I avoid putting myself into situations where bad things can happen.

I don't think I'd cheat on my wife, but sucking down tropical drinks in a hot tub with bikini clad, horny girls would sure tempt me and I KNOW that. It would tempt just about ANY heterosexual guy. Because I KNOW I can be tempted, I make a conscious effort NOT to put myself in situations where tempting things are likely to happen.

Singles resorts ARE a tempting environment - I think we can ALL agree on that. Why put yourself in a tempting situation like that? ...especially when you KNOW your single friends are going to be looking to have the type of fun you shouldn't be involved in? There are plenty of less tempting things you can do with your single friends if that's truly what you want to do. If you let the woman you love run off to a place like that with your APPROVAL, you're just asking for trouble.

 

[njnear76]

I think it depends on the circumstances and your own comfort level.

My wife wants to take a trip with her family and I don't have the time off. It's affordable and I'm cool with it.

I wouldn't be cool be cool with an expensive trip under the circumstances that you are talking about.

 

[kornkob]

Drugs and alcohol do lower inhibitions but they also have a negative impact on decision making ability and logical thought processes. When presented with a choice when impaired a person might very well make a decision they would never make when sober.

Taken to extreme, when someone is in a blackout they are very suggestible and can be easily convinced to do something 'willingly' that they'd not get caught dead doing if they were even remotely sober.

Anyone who hasn't seen, heard about or actually made a horrible and out of character choice when drunk or high has lived a sheltered life indeed.


None of that says that the drug or alcohol 'makes' the person do any of these things. It does, however, put someone in a state of mind that is inheriently altered. This does not mean you are seeing the 'real person' or that what you are seeing is somehow more 'honest' than the sober person. I means you are seeing that person under the influence of that drug.

 

[jas0420]

I think it's a dead issue because from the sounds of it, you worked it out with SWMBO. But, what I find the most startling is the fact that it's a 10 DAY vacation. There is a world of difference between a girls weekend in Vegas or some other city and a 10 day vacation to a resort in the Dominican. Frankly, neither my wife, nor I would want to be away from each other that long.

Oh, wow... I missed the "10 days" part when I first read this and made my comment indicating that I wouldn't mind.

A weekend or a long weekend, I wouldn't mind.... 10 days though, I don't think either my wife or I are even brave enough to ask the other that question! Those would be fightin' words!!!

Sounds like it's a moot point though and things are ironed out now... good to hear! A new kitchen is something you both can enjoy and eventually recoup the expense of. The faucets with the pull-out head are incredibly helpful in many brewing tasks... Be sure to splurge and buy her one of those!

 

[CodeRage]

Man thats tough. I've had to deal with those financial arguments and they were never fun. Usually a week or two later she would come around and see the logic behind it and agrees. Usually during the argument she is emotionally drivin so I dont push the issue because it wont get me any where... I just plant a seed or two by making it clear how I feel.

10 days in DR with a bunch of single friends would fly like a lead fart with me too... a 2 or 3 days girls cruise.. maybe... not a week and a half in DR. Aint cheap either...

 

[uglygoat]

i'd rather go to europe or the badlands for ten days.

can't help you with the $$$ cause my swmbo handles that.

can't help you on the trust swmbo issue, cause i'm not in your shoes. imo, if swmbo wants to have a fling on the side, she doesn't have to travel further than 30 minutes via car to do so. trust is something earned, but also tempered by time. love is not jealous etc....

 

[ohiobrewtus]

It does sound like you and your wife have some things that you need to get worked out for the sake of strengthening your relationship.

Before my wife and I got married (2nd marriage for both of us) we decided that it would be best to hammer out a lot of things related to vacations, money and some other issues. We agreed how money would be spent, shared, etc. We have a plan in place on what we're doing with tax returns, bonuses, etc. over the next couple of years.

I make the majority of the money and basically get an 'allowance' to do with whatever I please (which 90% of the time is brewing stuff), and I'm ok with that. We're a team and it's not *my* money it's *our* money. There are times like last week when I'm looking at a $3k bonus check in my hands and I think about all of the grain and brewing toys that I could buy, but in the end it's better spent going towards future vacations, kids college funds and so forth.

We agreed that vacations away from each other are not something that either one of us is interested in with the exception of semi-local overnight trips. She's gone to put-in-bay with her friends overnight and I've gone to a Lions game with buddies and crashed in Detroit for the night. We completely trust each other, but as someone else said earlier, we decided to just avoid situations that could make the other person uncomfortable or lead to questionable behavior.

This may sound corny, but I don't think that I would *want* to spend 10 days away from my wife. What good is a vacation that long if you're not getting any?

 

[CodeRage]

What good is a vacation that long if you're not getting any?

AMEN brother!

 

[modenacart]

AMEN brother!

That is when its the best too, on vacation.

I must be the luckest man alive, my wife is cheaper than I am so she makes way more than she spends so just based on that I wouldn't have to worry about her wanting to take a 10 day vacation without me. I have to travel a lot more than I want to, but I try to make every attempt to bring her with me and she makes every attemp to go. We have not been married long, just about five years, but I don't see this changing anytime soon. I have had to be away from my wife for more than 10 days at a time and its not something I want to personally have to do again. I don't know about you but I just sleep better when she is beside me at night. I wouldn't be worried about what my wife would do on a ten day trip, but I do wanted her home because it makes it a lot easier on my rutine. I guess its selfish, but I guess that is just the way I see it.

 

[zugzwang56]

Honestly to me it sounds like there may be some underlying issues in your relationship that are making you uneasy about this whole thing. You mentioned most of them. Finances - you both need to be on the same page in terms of this as I have seen two very close married couples divorce in the last year due to simple finances and not being on the same page. It sounds stupid that something as simple as sitting down, setting standards on spending and sticking to them can cause such a mess. It is the leading cause of divorce in America.
Also, trust - even though you say that it is not an issue at all, you still, throughout the thread mention her "single" friends as a complete negative. It leads me to think that deep down you have some doubt, whether it be small in the tinyest bit, is still down there. Which is completely normal. Though if she is commited to you she will be fine. Also ask yourself if you were going down there with a bunch of your single friends, would you be able to contain yourself, have a good time but in the right way? If you can honestly say so then chances are she can to.

Also, how important is this to her? Would her not going be a big issue due to your discomfort? Would her anger at not going be greater than your anger at her going? Kind of a lesser of two evils type deal. Opportunity cost if you will.
The enjoyment she would get in going =(greater than)= the anger you have + the cost of her trip?

Something to think about

 

[sudsmonkey]

!8 years here.

Money is always an issue that you both have to look after. Debt can be a horrible thing if you let it go. Resentments build, relationships crumble as blame is placed, etc.
Your wife's travel hobby could be expensive. It's up to you to decide what's cool for you. My wife is into horses. I feed them, trim their hooves, and build shelters for them. I don't ride anymore, but I still go on trailrides with her. It's a great excuse to camp out and drink beer. Occasionally, I have to rein her in on some things. Right now, it's a new horse trailer. Thing is, I love her and want her to be happy. Horses make her very happy. As long as we can do that reasonably(I still have beer and knife making money) everything's fine. I call it compromise.

10 days??? Think of it this way: How would she like it if you were going to Bangkok for 10 days with a bunch of single guys? It's not really a trust issue, but more of a matter of putting yourself in that situation. Drinks are flowing, everybody else is hooking up, spouse is a thousand miles away. Things can happen. She shouldn't put you through that. I don't know how to explain that without not sounding like you trust her. When we are sober and near home, we think rationally. Far away, who knows? Imagine if you guys happen to argue on the phone while she's down there. You'll worry yourself sick !

Sorry. I thought I had an easy answer and good advice. I'm going to find out where my wife is!

 

[joejaz]

I've been married 34 years, can my wife go with them?

 

[sudsmonkey]

I've been married 34 years, can my wife go with them?

You'uns is one mo' funny man!