I need a sanity check....Long Story About the Wife

[Hoppy2bmerry]

If I hadn't looked at the texts, I'd have not thought twice about the whole trip.

This is a really serious issue... I know I probably sound like capt. Obvious here. For some people infidelity is a deal breaker- relationship over. Others can and do work through the pain and stay together, ussually with professional help. A therapist can be an impartial non-judgmental guide. Sometimes you can end up having a stronger connection as a result.

You are right to think her drinking during these trips is part of the problem, it is always more difficult to make sound decisions when intoxicated. Some would say cheaters are looking to get needs met that are not otherwise being met. It isn't alwYs about sex, but that is an obvious betrayal.

I am a counselor, so that is my biase. I have seen people end things and get back together. If you love each other and have an investment in the marriage then work on it. Get some help, and if she if not willing to go with you do it for yourself.

Sorry you are going through this. Be well.

 

[BarrelAgedForrest]

A lot of these responses are based on what I've presented as being cut and dry. What I presented is absolutely one sided, written out of pain and anger, and as such I'm sure it's painting her in as bad of a light as possible. We've had our discussion for tonight and didn't really get anywhere with it. She seems to think I'm crazy and I think she's either very stupid, very naive, or doesn't want to admit to what is happening. I actually think it's some of all 3 of those. She and I will be discussing it tomorrow again and from a slightly different approach.

This happened to me years ago, relationship was a year or so old. The girl had myspace messages (time line for you lol myspace) With her previous boyfriend. Long story short her best friend was pushing her to cheat on me with him just because why not. She didn't admit to anything until I pulled the evidence. I was dumb enough to then stay with her almost another 2 years. And wow did I miss out on a ton of life. You already have a very valid sexual incident, drunk or not. And now you have a flirty novels worth of written evidence. I dare say this, does she send you little play boy bunnies?

Whats the time invested here? A year? 5 years? 20 years? Are there kids? You guys own a home together?

She would already be basically swimming in ice water as the thin ice would have broken through. If she is not willing to admit where and how she was in the wrong I would strongly suggest you start getting her stuff together for her and showing her the door... Then again Im a cold hearted son of a gun after my previous relation****s... Current one is going strong at over 3 years though!

 

[Bosh]

A lot of these responses are based on what I've presented as being cut and dry. What I presented is absolutely one sided, written out of pain and anger, and as such I'm sure it's painting her in as bad of a light as possible. We've had our discussion for tonight and didn't really get anywhere with it. She seems to think I'm crazy and I think she's either very stupid, very naive, or doesn't want to admit to what is happening. I actually think it's some of all 3 of those. She and I will be discussing it tomorrow again and from a slightly different approach.

Think about it this way if you had done that stuff and you wife confronted you about it would you say "you're crazy?" or be apologetic? Why?

 

[madscientist451]

We've had our discussion for tonight and didn't really get anywhere with it. .............. She and I will be discussing it tomorrow again and from a slightly different approach.

Reading between the lines here, if you can't have an open, ongoing discussion then you two have a communication problem. "Didn't get anywhere with it?" Did you ask her if she wants a divorce? Because it looks like the way she is acting and your reaction that's where you two are heading. Did you ask her if she thought the marriage was worth saving? Use up all the questions and things to say you have now, you don't want to be sorry later you should have said something.....

 

[gratus fermentatio]

TLDR: I think my wife is messing around on me while out of town for business.

She is.
Your choice on how to deal with it; basically it boils down to:
1.) Give her a chance to end it with the other guy & try to earn back your trust.
2.) Kick that bitch to the curb.
Sorry you're having these problems, same thing happened to a buddy of mine several years ago. He divorced her, found a girfriend 1/2 her age to keep him happy. Good luck to you, whatever you decide to do.
Regards, GF.

 

[griffi]

A lot of these responses are based on what I've presented as being cut and dry. What I presented is absolutely one sided, written out of pain and anger, and as such I'm sure it's painting her in as bad of a light as possible. We've had our discussion for tonight and didn't really get anywhere with it. She seems to think I'm crazy and I think she's either very stupid, very naive, or doesn't want to admit to what is happening. I actually think it's some of all 3 of those. She and I will be discussing it tomorrow again and from a slightly different approach.

What's the other side? There isn't one. She's not very stupid or naive. She's manipulative. She's not in denial to herself. She's denying it to you, despite the clear evidence she's drinking, cavorting, and catting around behind your back even if you don't have direct proof of intercourse. You shouldn't need any more proof. She's manipulative and she's stringing you along. You need to assess your personal strength to resist her. Leave now or regret it later.

 

[CGVT]

This is how this will work out:

1. You accept her lame excuses and act as if it really isn't happening because you don't want to give her up.

2. Every time she is gone you will have knots in your stomach because deep down, you know

3. There will be things that happen that you know are shady but you will ignore them or justify them somehow because you don't want to give her up.

4. Eventually you will quit caring and the knots will go away. This is when you will finally move on.

5. You will look back on it and wonder why you wasted so much time/many years of your life.

The sooner you get to #4 the better off you will be.

Good luck.

 

[Braumeise]

A lot of these responses are based on what I've presented as being cut and dry. What I presented is absolutely one sided, written out of pain and anger, and as such I'm sure it's painting her in as bad of a light as possible. We've had our discussion for tonight and didn't really get anywhere with it. She seems to think I'm crazy and I think she's either very stupid, very naive, or doesn't want to admit to what is happening. I actually think it's some of all 3 of those. She and I will be discussing it tomorrow again and from a slightly different approach.

That is what I was thinking.

although and that is a huge although...

here is a female perspective on this issue:

Loyalty and Trust are most valuable components to a serious relationship.
I could never trust her again! No matter what she comes up with now.
Once there is a crack, it can't be mended.

It is like take a cup, smash it to the floor. Is is broken? Yes. Now say I am sorry and explain why you smashed it. Is it whole again? No. see?

When I am in a relationship I am totally immune to flirting or approaches from other guys. If I am not - something is utterly wrong in my relationship and I end it instantly. If I want something other, than I have, I won't find it, where I have something different, I will subconsciously always look elsewhere.

She needs something you can't give her. Face the fact.
And she will always fall for that "something" if it is within reach elsewhere.


No talking this over or explaining or digging for underlying causes will change this UNLESS she herself figures out, that what she has with you is more important to her, than what she presumably lacks...

Thats not a matter of talking or understanding, thats a matter of respect and valuation and obv. she does not have either for you or your marriage because none of this would have happened, if she did.

She might figure it out, once you are not a part of her life anymore... she might.

I can only speak for myself. It happened exactly once that I was dating someone and felt attracted to another guy. And the Moment that happened, like literally the evening of that day, that I found myself having a conversation with a stranger that touched me on a emotional basis where it should not have, while I was with someone, I broke up with that guy.

No talking no explanation needed. He wasn't "the one". Period.

and if you are someone who values trust and loyalty you need to have a partner who is "the one" for you and you need to know that you are the same to them.

Lots of relationships out there functioning on a different basis with a different set of tools - yes. Although from what you are saying so far it seems like the basis you need is trust, so a different approach to a relationship won't be something that you can be utterly happy with.

To close the circle here: the trust is quite blemished so I do not really see a way to get out of this except for a radical cut.

 

[kombat]

OP, you've gotten a lot of great advice here so far.

Right off the top, let me say, if there are no children involved, then you should just get out. It's not worth it. You can do better and you're worth more. If it's just you and your wife, then get down to the business of separating your lives.

However, if there are kids involved, then you owe it to the kids to at least consider trying to repair this relationship. But it takes two. I've been married for 15 years, together for 22, and in my opinion, the two most important things in a relationship are trust and honesty. You're being honest with her, but you don't trust her. She may trust you, but she's not being honest with you. That's not good enough. You both need both. If you think there's a remote chance that you can both get back to that place, then at least try. But you can't make her engage. If she's just going through the motions and not really invested in fixing things, then there's nothing else you can do. You can leave with a clear conscience, and hopefully your kid(s) will eventually understand and forgive you.

I disagree with the "hiding assets" advice. It's a marriage, it's 50/50, all you'll accomplish is dialing up the adversarial nature of the eventual divorce, and complicate the division of assets. That equals more time for lawyers, which translates into more money, further eroding whatever marital assets there are to be divided.

However, in the interest of injecting at least a little counterpoint to the discussion, allow me to play Devil's Advocate. We've only heard your side of the story. I'm a big fan of internalization and taking responsibility for what happens in your life. Her behaviour is not new. It's been building for a while. You either failed to notice it or were willfully ignorant. Have you been actively engaged in your marriage the whole time? Do you make an effort to do things with her? Do you still go on dates? Have romantic dinners? Hang out with the same friends? When's the last time you bought her flowers or complimented her?

If we heard her side of the story, what would she complain about regarding you and this marriage? Would she say she feels like she's doing all the work in the household, working a job that necessitates a lot of travel while you get to stay home and brew beer? Would she say she feels like she works harder than you at her job, and then ends up doing the majority of the housework to boot? Who does most of the cooking and cleaning? Have you had discussions in the past regarding an equitable division of housework and chores? Has this been building up for a while?

Again, I'm just wildly speculating here - I don't know anything about your situation other than what you've shared. I'm simply hoping to offer a little balance to the debate and give you some other angles to consider when deciding whether or not to blow up your (and your kid(s)'?) lives.

 

[theseeker4]

Be very, very careful about "hiding assets." That can come back to hurt you big time if you end up in divorce court etc. Definitely document all assets you have, so she can't take something and claim it never existed.

Talk to a lawyer, even before you decide whether you want to separate or divorce, because you need to find out what you should be doing leading up to that decision, and more importantly learning what you should NOT be doing so you avoid doing something that hurts you in court later on (such as hiding assets).

Crappy situation to be in, good luck.

 

[Braumeise]

If we heard her side of the story, what would she complain about regarding you and this marriage?

with all due respect - it doesn't matter what she would complain about since she did not address the issue in terms of trying to fix something that is valuable to her, but rather abandoned the scenery to find "pleasure/satisfaction or even only distraction" elsewhere.

Lost case, imo....

 

[TexasDroughtBrewery]

We've had our discussion for tonight and didn't really get anywhere with it. She seems to think I'm crazy and I think she's either very stupid, very naive, or doesn't want to admit to what is happening. .

This is a deal breaker for me. You obviously found this conversation to be very important to you and your relationship. She...on the other didn't seem to take the conversation so seriously. To think you are crazy sounds like shes just making more excuses to cover the truth..I can just hear the way this went down and IMO it sounds like she controlled the conversation and you didn't get anything you wanted out of it. Sounds like bad news man.

 

[drainbamage]

To think you are crazy sounds like shes just making more excuses to cover the truth..I can just hear the way this went down and IMO it sounds like she controlled the conversation and you didn't get anything you wanted out of it.

This. Speaking only from what you've provided, it sounds like she deflected to make the conversation about you rather than about her. For her to be that defensive makes her seem A) guilty and B) unwilling to work with you.

Sounds like a tough situation. Good luck, man.

 

[Terek]

She's lying to you. You already know that. There isn't much more that needs to be said about that. Confront her about it and deal with the repercussions or ignore it and be a doormat.

this is 100% correct. I was in this same scenario years ago. I lightly confronted her in the beginning about questionable acts, and she blew up on me. I was the bad guy for even bringing it up. So for another 2 years, i ignored it, and it just got worse. More nights out with her "friends" that seemed to last longer and longer. She was always hiding things, didnt want me near her phone, or in her car. After a while i got used to it and just tried to forget. Because, she says nothing is going on, and because she was my wife, i believed her (to an extent)

Luckly, one of her friends was not a total pos and got sick of my wife "doing the things she was doing" and finally took some very disturbing pics from one of there nights out. I confronted her, pics in hand, and that was the end of it. We split up. She lost a very close friend, and i lost a very close friend (my friend was the one she was sleeping around with.....)

Luckly, after 4 years, i met my current wife, and we are sole mates for sure. We dated for 6 years before getting married. Now, 10 years in, we have 3 kids, a nice piece of property, and very happy lives.

Fact is, if she is doing something bad, you have to move on. The relationship will do nothing but go down hill. I denied it and lied to myself for 2 years, and all it did was make me waist 2 years of my life. It was ment to be, and mabe its ment to be for you as well.

Or she is not doing anything. But she should be honest and not care about your snooping. She should be the one to confront you, and take away any dought, if nothing is going on. But from what you explained, it seems pretty cut and dry. Dont make the mistake i did, and forget about it. Dont waist years with someone that is not ment to be. You dont get many years in this world.

Sorry bro, it sucks so bad, and the pain lasts a long time. But believe me, you will move past it. I did, and thought i never would.

FYI, i found out last week that my ex wife is getting another divorce, for the same reason. I warned her husband right off the bat how she was, and he would not listen to me. He called me last friday to apologize, and took me out for a beer. They were married for 3 years

 

[Terek]

This. Speaking only from what you've provided, it sounds like she deflected to make the conversation about you rather than about her. For her to be that defensive makes her seem A) guilty and B) unwilling to work with you.

Sounds like a tough situation. Good luck, man.

this. whether its (A) or (B) and whether she is doing something, or not, the fact that she was so defensive and basically blamed you, doesnt boad well. If it were not true, she should have done anything to prove you wrong. Not blame you to control the situation

 

[JoshuaW]

Im going to say some things different than what others have.

You can mend a broken relationship, and it can work. The key is making sure that you actually resolve ALL of the problems, not just one of them. The issue isnt just her (probably) cheating. She is (probably) stepping out for a reason. If you both want to be together, there is nothing that says you cant, but you should respect yourself enough to make sure you are comfortable with that outcome. If you cant see yourself fixing it, then call a divorce lawyer now, dont draw it out for the drama. If you cant fix it, you dont need answers, you dont need her side of the story, you just need out. That is okay.

Now if you do want to fix it, you need to actually fix it. You need to be upfront with her. Ask if she still wants to be married to you. You can ask if she cheated or not, it really doesnt matter. Accept whatever she tells you and believe it. If you are committing to this, then that is the only truth that matters. Talk about your relationship, ask what you can do to make it stronger. If you can stomach counseling, go for it. Make your expectations of the relationship known. If you want complete honesty, tell her that is what you require. If you want her to do what she wants to do, and you just dont want to know about it, that is fine too. Dont let people sway you, this is your relationship and if you can live with it, then it is a good solution. On the same hand, ask what she needs. Basically rewrite or at least review the rule book for your relationship, and establish clear lines of communication. She needs to know that you would rather have her tell you to your face "Im unhappy, and we need to fix this" than her step out. Or, if it comes to this, she should know that it is okay to say that she wants to end it.

If you can establish ground rules, and get past the original issue, you can definitely make it work. I went through a similar thing, and this is exactly what we did. Seven years later, and we are still together and very happy. Our relationship is built on trust and absolute honesty now, which is more than it ever was before.

Only the two of you can make the decision, and it is your decision to make. Getting advice from friends, family, and the internet is great, but at the end the day you have to live with it. Do whatever will make you happy.

 

[UndeadFred]

FYI, i found out last week that my ex wife is getting another divorce, for the same reason. I warned her husband right off the bat how she was, and he would not listen to me. He called me last friday to apologize, and took me out for a beer. They were married for 3 years

Sexist post of the month. I hear this all the time from the guys. Apparently that never happens with the women. Mars versus Venus thing I suppose. I know of guys who have been friends for 25 years now that the friendship was formed by unwittingly "sharing everything"..

Fred

 

[mcspanner]

One thing I know is that talking about this is the only way to find resolution one way or another. From what you've said it doesn't sound like she's been that open to constructive dialogue so far.

How did she explain things like the vegetarian comment and the "that pic's a keeper"- assuming you were completely frank about what you'd read on her phone. (Btw I would put money on the fact that if you were to look again those messages would be deleted- if so, there's only one reason I can think of to do that after you'd brought this up)

Hope the "different approach" your dialogue takes tonight is more productive.

 

[Cheesy_Goodness]

Late to the party but a lot of good advice here already.

You're definitely not blowing things out of proportion given your situation. You've got some convincing evidence, and it seems like she hasn't refuted anything, seeing as her best defense was calling you "crazy". If she can't give a good explanation for what you've found, you've got to assume you're correct. Hard simple fact but there it is.
Are there any of her friends you could talk to? Someone that she claims to be going out with regularly? If you promise anonymity there might be some help there.

I sincerely hope it goes better tonight but you'll have to decide how many non-answers you can tolerate before making a decision.

Good luck

 

[Aristotelian]

If I hadn't looked at the texts, I'd have not thought twice about the whole trip.

I am going to play Devil's Advocate here. If the marriage is otherwise in good shape and you don't have firm evidence, I would be open to a convincing explanation. I could imagine in a corporate environment sexual harassment is often accepted. She could be under pressure to put up with lewd advances and such to keep her job. Could that be what is going on here? From what I can see, the incriminating texts are more on "Steve"'s side than hers. This does not seem to be about her trying to sabotage the marriage, otherwise your talk would have been her opportunity to end it. May I ask, if kids are not involved, does she have a financial or other motive to stay in the marriage?

 

[drainbamage]

I am going to play Devil's Advocate here. If the marriage is otherwise in good shape and you don't have firm evidence, I would be open to a convincing explanation. I could imagine in a corporate environment sexual harassment is often accepted. She could be under pressure to put up with lewd advances and such to keep her job. Could that be what is going on here? From what I can see, the incriminating texts are more on "Steve"'s side than hers. This does not seem to be about her trying to sabotage the marriage, otherwise your talk would have been her opportunity to end it.

I don't know, if the guy is sending her overtly sexual texts, there's a big difference between "I'm just going to put up with it to keep my job" (which she shouldn't have to do under any circumstances) and responding/playing along/encouraging the behavior.

 

[griffi]

I am going to play Devil's Advocate here. If the marriage is otherwise in good shape and you don't have firm evidence, I would be open to a convincing explanation. I could imagine in a corporate environment sexual harassment is often accepted. She could be under pressure to put up with lewd advances and such to keep her job. Could that be what is going on here? From what I can see, the incriminating texts are more on "Steve"'s side than hers. This does not seem to be about her trying to sabotage the marriage, otherwise your talk would have been her opportunity to end it. May I ask, if kids are not involved, does she have a financial or other motive to stay in the marriage?

Aristotelian, I disagree with your logic, haha...

Sexual harassment was the lame excuse she gave when she allowed the other guy to finger bang her in a bar. It was not sexual harassment when she 1) sent him a naughty pic or 2) gave him head. This is how I read those messages.

 

[TXCrash]

Fahk fixing it. The bitch is cheating, cut her loose.

My ex (married 10 years) was cheating. I suspected it long before catching her, eventually found her trail. I did much as you and lied to myself, telling myself it was ok.

Cut her loose and move on. There's no one sided to this - you found flirty texts and she let another guy in her pants... that's what you know about. There's more you don't know about.

Get a good lawyer, don't play nice. Cut her effing heart out. Playing nice will cost you time and money - again, what I did...

 

[CGVT]

Fahk fixing it. The bitch is cheating, cut her loose.

My ex (married 10 years) was cheating. I suspected it long before catching her, eventually found her trail. I did much as you and lied to myself, telling myself it was ok.

Cut her loose and move on. There's no one sided to this - you found flirty texts and she let another guy in her pants... that's what you know about. There's more you don't know about.

Get a good lawyer, don't play nice. Cut her effing heart out. Playing nice will cost you time and money - again, what I did...

This^^^


OP knows what's up, he just doesn't really want to face it.

Life is too short to deal with this kind of crap.

There is no good end to this other than a clean break

 

[Mackster]

My 2 cents. People are going to be be who they want to be. I am not sure if talking about the problem of her sneaking around will change her character. From my experience the evidence you get to see is the tip of an iceberg. She may be letting it show through so she can have an easy way out of the marriage, making you end it instead of her bring up the idea. Either way, you should probably start finding a way to move around/hide joint assets. $200 dollars from an ATM into a shoe box frequently. Sell your brother your Jeep.

 

[Pkrd]

One thing we can all agree on... If she is out drinking at night you need to improve your brewing. Maybe a new brew rig will save your relationship! You'll never find a better excuse to upgrade.

 

[Aristotelian]

I don't know, if the guy is sending her overtly sexual texts, there's a big difference between "I'm just going to put up with it to keep my job" (which she shouldn't have to do under any circumstances) and responding/playing along/encouraging the behavior.

I don't get what the vegetarian thing shows, and we don't know the content of the picture. People get sore throats while traveling for all sorts of reasons other than giving out BJs.

If she is cheating, I don't get why she would deny it and try to stay in the relationship when confronted. Usually cheating is a symptom of a marriage that is already in trouble and an excuse to get out of it, but OP says that is not the case.

However, if she isn't cheating, I don't get why she would lie about who Steve is. That is the most incriminating thing, in my opinion. Maybe she doesn't want to worry her husband? She is ashamed of putting up with lewd behavior?

Another possibility is that we are getting trolled and that is why this whole thing makes no sense.

 

[tim_c7]

One thing we can all agree on... If she is out drinking at night you need to improve your brewing. Maybe a new brew rig will save your relationship! You'll never find a better excuse to upgrade.

Totally agreed. I also think this is one of those times where racking to a secondary is necessary.

 

[drainbamage]

I don't get what the vegetarian thing shows, and we don't know the content of the picture. People get sore throats while traveling for all sorts of reasons other than giving out BJs.

Yeah, the sore throat does not really prove anything. The vegetarian thing? Yeah, maybe she got drunk and decided she really craved a cheeseburger at 4am. It's plausible, but there are also a lot of dirtier connotations that can taken from the limited context. The "keeper" pic? Sure, could be a funny meme.

The guy talking about being [certain race] from the waist down? How is that not overtly sexual? Does he have extensive skin grafts over the lower half of his body and felt like sharing the news with a friend?

If she is cheating, I don't get why she would deny it and try to stay in the relationship when confronted. Usually cheating is a symptom of a marriage that is already in trouble and an excuse to get out of it, but OP says that is not the case.

Kids, money, wanting the excitement of secretly sleeping around while maintaining the status quo at home.

Another possibility is that we are getting trolled and that is why this whole thing makes no sense.

Also plausible, but it only seems like trolling if OP is getting everyone all up in arms and fighting over it, which isn't happening.

 

[broadbill]

I don't get what the vegetarian thing shows, and we don't know the content of the picture. People get sore throats while traveling for all sorts of reasons other than giving out BJs.

If she is cheating, I don't get why she would deny it and try to stay in the relationship when confronted. Usually cheating is a symptom of a marriage that is already in trouble and an excuse to get out of it, but OP says that is not the case.

However, if she isn't cheating, I don't get why she would lie about who Steve is. That is the most incriminating thing, in my opinion. Maybe she doesn't want to worry her husband? She is ashamed of putting up with lewd behavior?

Another possibility is that we are getting trolled and that is why this whole thing makes no sense.

She may deny cheating when confronted because she has financial trouble or cannot make it financially without his money.

Call me a cynic, but if 99% of a divorce is about the money, than it stands to reason that a large share of the marriage is as well.