So I bottled my first batch 2 weeks ago and primed it using 5 oz of priming sugar (desolved in 8 oz of warm water). Last week I opened one of the bottles and there was zero carbination. I realized it was only 59 degrees in my closet so i shook the bottles a bit, rapped them in a banket and used a heating pad getting the temp up to 70. So yesterday i opened a bottle and still after week at 70 degrees ZERO carbination (not even a "pfft" when opened)... could the yeast be dead? Shouldnt i atleast be getting a "pfft" after 2 weeks of conditioning? Its a black ipa with an og of 1.059 and a fg of 1.018.
You beer really has only been carbing as long as it's been above 70, if your beer was in the 50's more than likely your yeast was close to dormancy, or at least pretty sluggish, so technically you beer has only been carbing for a week. That means for most normal beers, it needs 2 more weeks before it will be carbed.
In fact it may need an extra week, because the beer, and the yeast probably needed some time to even get to 70 degrees, so the yeast probably took awhile to get going anyway.
The
3 weeks at 70 degrees, that we recommend is the
minimum time it takes for average gravity beers to carbonate and condition. Higher grav beers take longer.
Stouts and porters have taken me between 6 and 8 weeks to carb up..
I have a 1.090 Belgian strong that took three months to carb up.
Temp and gravity are the two factors that contribute to the time it takes to carb beer. But if a beer's not ready yet, or seems low carbed, and you added the right amount of sugar to it, then it's not stalled,
it's just not time yet.
Everything you need to know about carbing and conditioning, can be found here
Of Patience and Bottle Conditioning. With emphasis on the word,
"patience." 
If a beer isn't carbed by "x number of weeks" you just have to give them more time. If you added your sugar, then the beer will carb up eventually, it's really a foolroof process. All beers will carb up eventually. A lot of new brewers think they have to "troubleshoot" a bottling issue, when there really is none, the beer knows how to carb itself. In fact if you run beersmiths carbing calculator, some lower grav beers don't even require additional sugar to reach their minimum level of carbonation. Just time.
I've carbed hundreds of gallons of beer, and never had a beer that wasn't carbed, or under carbed or anything of the sort (Except for a batch where I accidently mixed up lactose or Maltodextrine for priming sugar). Some took awhile, (as I said up to six months) but they ALL eventually carbed.
