Cheating wife - not mine

[WildGingerBrewing]

So here's the deal, my wife and have another couple that we are sort of friends with. We don't hang out much but we know them very well. Anyway, she's been cheating on him for about 2 years and lately he has been really depressed. Almost to the point that I'm starting to think he knows. For the record, if he doesn't know, he's an idiot! Everyday I see him and ask how it's going, he says, "I've had better years." So today i ask him if he wanted to talk about anything and he said he wishes he could. I told him let's have a few beers and talk about whats bothering him. And since I'm pretty sure I know what's bothering him, I'm starting to think maybe I should tell him. Again, I'm pretty sure he already knows. My wife says I can't tell him because, technically, I don't know for sure, but the whole neighborhood knows! Anyway, just thought I'd share and see what the forum thinks.

 

[Yooper]

Don't tell him. Repeat- do NOT tell him. Why? Well, if "everyone" knows, he does too. And he'll feel so stupid thinking that people are talking about him.

If he knows, he probably doesn't want to know.

Just encourage him to talk about his feelings- if he says he suspects, tell him to go talk to her immediately. If he feels that everybody in the world knows except him (true or not), he'll feel even worse.

Unless you've personally seen his wife ****ing someone else, you don't know either. Rumors may abound, but that doesn't mean it's true.

 

[WildGingerBrewing]

Damn Yoop, that's what my wife says! They have been going to counseling, which I think is making it worse. Half the time he goes by himself! I probably shouldn't tell him. You (and my wife) are probably right. And since I haven't "seen" her do it, I technically don't know!

 

[Laughing_Gnome_Invisible]

Whatever you do will be wrong eventually...........Unless you just don't know about the gossip. If I were you, I would do my best to come up with a scenario in which you can convincingly say that you had no idea, or not enough evidence apart from vague gossip.

Walk away from the bomb. Do not cut any wires, it's a ****y trap!

 

[Yooper]

Damn Yoop, that's what my wife says! They have been going to counseling, which I think is making it worse. Half the time he goes by himself! I probably shouldn't tell him. You (and my wife) are probably right. And since I haven't "seen" her do it, I technically don't know!

Hate to say it, but he really doesn't want to know. Of if he does want to know, he doesn't want to hear it from YOU. If he's thinking she's cheating, encourage him to confront her. As in, "Oh, man, if you think something is going on, you need to confront her right now!" That way, he saves face and has to deal with it himself. If you tell him, "Oh, yeah, she's been shtupping this guy behind your back", he'll be mad at you for not telling him sooner!

Trust me. I know people. They will shoot the messenger. If you really care about him, DON'T tell him. Tell him to confront his wife if he wants to know.

 

[WildGingerBrewing]

My first wife cheated on me and I found out because a friend told me. I think it's a double edge sword. I was glad to know, but felt ashamed and embarrassed that everyone knew but me. But gnome is right, whatever I do will be wrong eventually, so I should probably just RDWHAHB!

 

[Ricand]

Is she hot? Did she ever come on to you? jk

I'm conflicted right now, if I were in his shoes, would I want a friend to tell me? If you were REALLY a friend, isn't there some kind of responsibility here? Is it a man card thing?

The safest and sanest response is to lie to your friend and pretend nothing is happening, even though he's the joke of the neighborhood. I guess it depends on your relationship with him. If it is just casual and not tight, then I absolutely agree with Yooper and the consensus so far.

 

[WildGingerBrewing]

Has she ever come on to me??? Well, that's a whole nother story! But I digress...

Since it is just pretty much a casual frienship, I'm thinking the same thing. They have really wierd relationship anyway. He's kind of a p**sy and she's a bitch. He answers her every beacon call. He won't stand up to her, although he seems like is starting to, and that just pisses her off! ha

 

[Laughing_Gnome_Invisible]

Beacon call? You mean beck and call.......Sorry, but you clearly do not have enough grasp of the language to tackle such a sensitive subject......Sorry, just kiddin' with ya.

 

[WildGingerBrewing]

Beacon call? You mean beck and call.......Sorry, but you clearly do not have enough grasp of the language to tackle such a sensitive subject......Sorry, just kiddin' with ya.

True, but I've been RDWHAHB so my grasp of the English language is a little off right now! haha

 

[strat_thru_marshall]

Maybe if you get him drunk enough you can get him to spill whats bothering him. Im thinking edge of blackout drunk. Hopefully you have a keg of something he likes on tap!

He needs to tell you though, you shouldnt tell him.

 

[Airborneguy]

Damn I thought he said BACON call!

How do you "know"? I think that makes a difference. There are ways to "know" without actually catching her in the act. Did someone who she did tell you? Do you know through good sources? You see what I am getting at?

Honestly though, it seems that you don't have any responsibility here anyway. You stated that you're not even really good friends with him.

 

[Laughing_Gnome_Invisible]

That's the get out clause for when the poo hits the fan. "Buddy, I thought you knew already so i kept my mouth shut until you wanted to talk about it"

 

[WildGingerBrewing]

Oh goodie, another BACON thread! haha

I love everyone's input on this and you all have confirmed what I have been thinking, don't tell him. Just get him drunk and let him tell me. Of course since his wife is always out effing another guy and he has to watch the kids that may be easier said than done too!

 

[JNye]

i would tell my good friends if i suspected something was up. his good frineds should do the same. sounds like that ain't you.

 

[WildGingerBrewing]

Unfortunately, he really doesn't have many friends. She won't let him. Since she is s busy running around and never home, he has to stay home with the kids. I have tried numerous times to get him to go out with my friends and me or just go grab a beer and it's always the same, "can't, gotta watch the kids".

 

[jpc]

So here's the deal, my wife and have another couple that we are sort of friends with. We don't hang out much but we know them very well. Anyway, she's been cheating on him for about 2 years and lately he has been really depressed. Almost to the point that I'm starting to think he knows. For the record, if he doesn't know, he's an idiot! Everyday I see him and ask how it's going, he says, "I've had better years." So today i ask him if he wanted to talk about anything and he said he wishes he could. I told him let's have a few beers and talk about whats bothering him. And since I'm pretty sure I know what's bothering him, I'm starting to think maybe I should tell him. Again, I'm pretty sure he already knows. My wife says I can't tell him because, technically, I don't know for sure, but the whole neighborhood knows! Anyway, just thought I'd share and see what the forum thinks.

Let me guess... Your job is waxing poetic about "propane and propane accessories" and your friend is a paranoid whack-job named "Rusty Shackleford". Say hi to John Redcorn for me, please...

Well, you ARE from Texas...

 

[WildGingerBrewing]

I only cook with charcoal and wood. Gas is for girls haha

 

[Beerrific]

Taste the meat not the heat.

 

[Yuri_Rage]

Taste the meat not the heat.

Yup, I think that's exactly what she's doing.

 

[KCBrewer]

For some reason the song Self Esteem by Offspring is stuck in my head.

Damn I thought he said BACON call!

How do you "know"? I think that makes a difference. There are ways to "know" without actually catching her in the act. Did someone who she did tell you? Do you know through good sources? You see what I am getting at?

Honestly though, it seems that you don't have any responsibility here anyway. You stated that you're not even really good friends with him.

That hits the nail on the head. First is: Are you sure? Secondly, how good of a friend is it? I have close friends that I wouldn't hesitate to let know that their wife was cheating on them. (For sure, that's why "Are you sure?" is first). I have others that are not as close, and wouldn't feel comfortable being the person that tells them something like that.

 

[Ringmaster]

I've known a few girls that do this kinda stuff to guys. Usually it's a girl with kids and she gets other guys to watch them, pay for their home and the guy tends to have no self esteem and more money then they know what to do with.

Just saying, the guys probably done it to himself.

 

[FrFtr28]

Unfortunately, he really doesn't have many friends. She won't let him. Since she is s busy running around and never home, he has to stay home with the kids. I have tried numerous times to get him to go out with my friends and me or just go grab a beer and it's always the same, "can't, gotta watch the kids".

Can he get a babysitter for a few hours? If he doesn't have any friends to tell him whats going on and he is getting more and more depressed, then I would probably just let him know that I thought something might be going on. If it got to the point where he did something to harm himself then I would feel pretty crappy that I didn't say anything. Even if you do clue him in on what's going on, he might not want to confront her about it.

He might be ashamed in the beginning, but in the long run he would be a much happier person which is better for the kids.

 

[WildGingerBrewing]

Update...When he dropped his kids off at my house this morning, he told my wife that his wife was taking the kids and going to her (suspected) boyfriends house for the weekend so they can have a "break". He then said that he fully expects to receive "papers" next week. At least he won't have kids to watch this weekend so maybe now I can get him to go have a beer and talk.

I don't think he would harm himself. He is depressed or at least very upset about the situation he's in. I think he realizes that he did a lot of it to himself, but I'm not blaming him for her cheating. He's kind of a nerd, a giant computer geek. She's pretty hot. He feels like he will never have anything as "prized" as she is so he does whatever she tells him to do. She has told me that he is a big p**sy and she needs a real man. Now that he is starting to stand up for himself, she's getting pissed. That is apparently why she is taking the kids away for a weekend break. If nothing else, I may just show up at his house this weekend with a few beers and tell him to get it off his chest!

 

[Laughing_Gnome_Invisible]

If nothing else, I may just show up at his house this weekend with a few beers and tell him to get it off his chest!

Perfect! You really should try to do that.

 

[Homercidal]

As "Hot" as she is, he will be better off not having her as a "prize". Apparently she is not interested in what we call a relationship, just having a man. It sucks when what we thought was love when we were younger turns out to be something different. In this material, have it now society we live in, it seems nobody is satisfied with what they have. And nobody understand what they really need. Wants and self-satisfaction triumph over a sharing, caring, understanding, and loving relationship.

Nobody wants to give or forgive,
or concede it's just greed
It's always whatcha doin' for me
It's not hard to see
when the push comes to shove
we need to rise above
it's all about love
it's all about love

 

[WildGingerBrewing]

Homer...tru dat my brutha!

 

[celticcolorado]

IMO he knows that she is cheating and is also aware that you and everyone else know. This is why he is keeping you at arms length, he is embarrassed already and doesn't want to talk about it. All you can do is be there for him when is ready to talk to someone.

 

[ericd]

People shoot the messenger, and best friends will turn on you when things start going bad for them since you're the easiest person for them to take things out on.

If he's still fun to be around, hang out with him. If he's not leave him be and find some new friends.

Sadly, more often than not, people don't want to be helped so don't even try.

 

[jmendez29]

Damn. That really sucks, man. I was going to suggest that you go hang out with him while he's watching the kids and after they get to sleep, see if you could get it out of him. So much for that...

Otherwise, if you knew for sure that she was cheating, then I would approach her, and let her know that you know. Then put it up to her to tell him by letting her know that she has one chance to make it right by admitting it to him or you will. See if she'll call your bluff.

But for now, I'd go spend some time with him. As much as he may not want company, he doesn't want to be alone either. But he also doesn't want to be a burden on anyone. But be prepared to talk about it for hours on end if you do. But if you can, get him out of his house. There are way too many reminders of the life that just left him. Maybe get him into a new hobby, like homebrewing, if he doesn't already. Invite him over for a brew day if he seems interested. If she left him because he's not "man enough" for her, then give him an outlet to feel like more of a man. Not so much for her sake, but for the next woman to come around.

Good luck and I hope this turns out well.