Orpheus
Well-Known Member
Here's a bevy of jokes from across the pond...
Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says 'dam'
Two peanuts walk into a bar
One was a salted
A jump lead walks into a bar
The barman says, 'i'll serve you but don't start anything'
A sandwich walks into a bar
The barman says, 'sorry we don't serve food in here'
A dyslexic man walks into a bra
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, 'a
beer please, and one for the road.'
Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married.
The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant
Two cannibals are eating a clown
One says to the other, 'does this taste funny to you?'
Doc, I can't stop singing 'the green green grass of home'
'that sounds like tom jones syndrome'
'Is it common?'
'It's not unusual.'
Two cows standing next to each other in a field, daisy says to dolly 'I
was artificially inseminated this morning.' 'I don't believe you,' says
dolly 'It's true, no bull!'
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Glad Wrap shorts. The
shrink says, 'Well I can clearly see you're nuts.'
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar
One says, 'I've lost my electron.'
The other one says, 'Are you sure?'
The first replies, 'Yes I'm positive?'
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull**** before
A man takes his Rottweiler to the Vet and says, 'My dog's cross eyed,
is there anything you can do for him?' 'Well,' says the Vet, 'let's have
a look at him.' So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then
checks his teeth. Finally he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.'
'What? Because he's cross eyed?' 'No, because he's really heavy'
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or
dad, or maybe my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I'm pretty sure it's Colin.
I went to buy some comouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find
any.
I went to the butcher the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, 'no, the steaks are
too high.'
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli
He was pulled in by a strong currant.
A man walks into the doctor's office.
'What seems to be the problem?' asks the doc. 'It's, um, well, I have
five penises', replied the man. 'Blimey!' says the doctor, 'how do your
trousers fit?' 'Like a glove.'
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with
nuts and hundred and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh
Two fish are in a tank.
One says to the other, 'I'll man the guns, you drive.'
Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says 'dam'
Two peanuts walk into a bar
One was a salted
A jump lead walks into a bar
The barman says, 'i'll serve you but don't start anything'
A sandwich walks into a bar
The barman says, 'sorry we don't serve food in here'
A dyslexic man walks into a bra
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, 'a
beer please, and one for the road.'
Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married.
The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant
Two cannibals are eating a clown
One says to the other, 'does this taste funny to you?'
Doc, I can't stop singing 'the green green grass of home'
'that sounds like tom jones syndrome'
'Is it common?'
'It's not unusual.'
Two cows standing next to each other in a field, daisy says to dolly 'I
was artificially inseminated this morning.' 'I don't believe you,' says
dolly 'It's true, no bull!'
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Glad Wrap shorts. The
shrink says, 'Well I can clearly see you're nuts.'
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar
One says, 'I've lost my electron.'
The other one says, 'Are you sure?'
The first replies, 'Yes I'm positive?'
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull**** before
A man takes his Rottweiler to the Vet and says, 'My dog's cross eyed,
is there anything you can do for him?' 'Well,' says the Vet, 'let's have
a look at him.' So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then
checks his teeth. Finally he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.'
'What? Because he's cross eyed?' 'No, because he's really heavy'
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or
dad, or maybe my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I'm pretty sure it's Colin.
I went to buy some comouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find
any.
I went to the butcher the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, 'no, the steaks are
too high.'
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli
He was pulled in by a strong currant.
A man walks into the doctor's office.
'What seems to be the problem?' asks the doc. 'It's, um, well, I have
five penises', replied the man. 'Blimey!' says the doctor, 'how do your
trousers fit?' 'Like a glove.'
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with
nuts and hundred and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh
Two fish are in a tank.
One says to the other, 'I'll man the guns, you drive.'
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