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Since you are short in base malt I would probably go Marris Otter for the bulk of it but mix in some Vienna as well

It is pretty straightforward but still might be confusing to someone with little background knowledge.

You are likely thinking wrong. Yeast have a lag phase where they build themselves up to handle the wort they are in. Lager yeasts, being at colder temperatures, may take longer to start. Does not mean they were unhealthy. You should have enough yeast left in the wort to carbonate the beer. Good...

Bottle caps yes. Capper no.

If you are putting an object into the beer sanitize it. It will not affect taste. Unless you are pulling a very very small sample, like a teaspoonful.

Barkeepers Friend is your friend when cleaning stainless steel. Especially the first cleaning prior to use.

I do not think any software can predict final gravity accurately. It is really a guesstimate at best based on percentages of attenuation of the yeast used. Plus all the other factors of your process.

Do you usually use chalk in your mash? You seem to have a lot of additions in your mash. Maybe the chalk is not fully dissolving. Just a SWAG.

Maybe T45 versus T90 pellets.

I brewed a Hefeweizen that ultimately turned into a Krystalweizen in a few months.

You mentioned “aging”. How long was that?

They are one of oldest and respected brewers in the world. After you learn a bit more about styles you will find that out. Helles is hard to brew well as any faults will show in such a pale beer. We don’t usually get bottles over here that are that fresh. Check the dates. I also had to chuckle...

Kolsch is an ale yeast so your temperature may be a bit low.

Brewhardware.com will also sell you ounces. They have a good selection of grains and will basically let you assemble a recipe. That is @BobbyM in the previous post.

You basically made hard seltzer. It will not have a flavor.

For low bitterness many are abandoning a 60 minute altogether. Maybe try it at 30 minutes. Not familiar with Evergreen hops so not much to add.

You can put the fermenter in a tub and some ice cubes if necessary. Fermentation is exothermic so trying to keep the temperature in the yeast proper range is important.

Yes. Get it out of the light and somewhere you can control the temperature.

http://www.williamsbrewing.com/pdfs/X86.pdf

When did you take your OG reading? Was it before adding the water?