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Bring out the GIMP! Good work my man. You are a true inspiration to the garage brewers of the world.

Buy a 5 gal. starter kit, use it to brew the beer and then give it to one of your brothers in law as a gift. Equipment problem solved!

http://www.wmse.org/archive/new.php?dow=Fri&hour=180 is the link to JonM's Friday night jams...even if it isn't Friday night! Thank you Interwebs. Y'all need to give http://turntable.fm a try. We could DJ at one another all day long in the HomeBrew room.

How do you chill your wort? Getting to a cold break quickly is a great step towards clarity because the floating particulates that cause cloudiness will drop to the bottom (even more so with the irish moss or gelatin)

I had a yeast issue on my first batch (it said "re-hydrate" and I cooked the darn thing during the process...probably killing all yeast cells). My symptoms were similar to yours in the airlock...just condensation and nothing else. I hadn't taken a gravity reading, so I figured I'd hedge my bet...