Beer Jokes

Post your favorite beer related jokes!

I off-the-cuffed this one in a PM the other day and I thought I'd parlay it into a joke:

Q: What does an IPA have in common with a person?
A: Shouldn't sit too long before being drunk.

Another one:
Q: What kind of beer is the NBA's James Harden?
A: Biere de Garde (Beardy Guard, in case it's too subtle)

Another one:
A good woman is like a good stout: dark, bitter, and highly alcoholic!

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender says “For you, no charge.”

LabRatBrewer said:

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender says “For you, no charge.”

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Dude, that's a chemistry / particle physics joke. Just because it mentions beer doesn't make it a beer joke!

A linguist walks into a bar and asks for a beer recommendation.
The bartender says "Hmm, beer. IPA?"
The linguist takes a napkin and writes: "bɪər"

(not sure if the characters will show up)

Rule: if any beer word or the word "beer" itself could be substituted with a mixed drink in your joke, it's not a beer joke.

A newb brewer visits the doctor. The doctor says: "Hey, you've got a nasty wart. Want me to remove it?" The newb says, "Hey, it's my first brew. Cut me some slack!"

(Yes, I know it's pronounced "wert". But I didn't when I was a newb!)

I am on a roll and I demand to be given credit for all these amazing jokes which I have invented myself (well, the dark & bitter one is kind of an adaptation of an old coffee joke. But the rest are my own!) I'll be here all week, people.

the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.

The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 schooners of beer within a one (1) hour period.

It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% of all these men:
1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally, and
8) Had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary!

A chemist takes up homebrewing. Soon after, he goes on HBT and announces he's started a nano-brewery. Supportive members flock to the thread to ask where they can grab a pint.

He replies: "Well, so far I've only got the .000000001 gallons. But if that goes well I'll expand to a micro-brewery!"

Molly opens the door to an urgent knock to find Seamus, her husband's co worker at the brewery with a distraught look on his face. "Molly" he says "I've terrible news about Paddy. He fell into a vat of stout and drowned". "Saints persairve us" says Molly "Could ye do nothing for him?"

"Aye we could've but we didn't. We thought he was OK"

"Are ye daft man? How could ye think that?"

"Well, he got out three times to go pee before he went down for the last time."

ajdelange said:

Molly opens the door to an urgent knock to find Seamus, her husband's co worker at the brewery with a distraught look on his face. "Molly" he says "I've terrible news about Paddy. He fell into a vat of stout and drowned". "Saints persairve us" says Molly "Could ye do nothing for him?"

"Aye we could've but we didn't. We thought he was OK"

"Are ye daft man? How could ye think that?"

"Well, he got out three times to go pee before he went down for the last time."

Click to expand...

Too bad he got out of the tank to do his business - add a little vinegar to that piss and you'd have yourself an authentic Irish stout!

What do blondes and beer bottles have in common?




Empty from the neck up...

chocotaco said:

Too bad he got out of the tank to do his business - add a little vinegar to that piss and you'd have yourself an authentic Irish stout!

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Reminds me from that scene in Beerfest...

There is a clip of the guys from Beerfest talking about it at a comedy club one night, the guy who played Landfill said by the end of the take he was peeing in the tub of "beer" to keep warm...

Me and the wife were going over expenses and decided I had to give up homebrewing beer.

A couple weeks later found a receipt $45 for makeup.

"Wait a minute!" I said to my wife. "I gave up beer; you haven't given up anything!"

"I buy makeup so I look pretty for you," she replied.

I told her, "Hell, that's what the beer was for!" ...

I don't think she'll be back.

A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and asks, "bartender, got any specials today?"

Bartender answers, "yes, as a matter of fact we have a new drink invented by a gynecologist patron of ours.

It's a mix of Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer and Smirnoff Vodka."

The guy asks, "Good grief, what do you call that?"

The bartender replied, "It's a "Pabst Smir."

A gorilla walks into a pub, pulls up a stool, and orders beer.

The bartender gives him a mug and says, "that'll be five bucks."

As the gorilla reaches for his pocket, the bartender adds, "you know, we don't usually get many gorilla customers in here."

The gorilla shrugged and replies, "at five bucks a beer, it's no wonder . . ."

LabRatBrewer said:

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender says “For you, no charge.”

Click to expand...

I like this one.......but alas I am a science geek

A soccer ball goes into a bar and the bartender kicks him out.

A baseball goes into a bar and the bartender throws him out

A car battery goes into a bar and the bartender says, "I don't want you starting any trouble."

Three vampires walk into a bar. Two men and a woman vampire. The bartender comes over to take their orders. The first vampire man orders a blood. The second man orders a blood light. The woman vampire orders a hot cup of water and a saucer. The bartender returns with the orders and puzzled by the female vampire's order asks, "Not drinking tonight, miss?" The female vampire responds,
"Oh, I am." She continues to reach down inside her skirt, pull out a tampon, and she dips it in the water. "I'm making tea."

Q: Why don't more homebrewers try winemaking?
A: Because decant!

I see what you did there


Sent from my iPhone using Home Brew

chocotaco said:

(Yes, I know it's pronounced "wert". But I didn't when I was a newb!)

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Some dictionaries say either pronunciation is acceptable.

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/wort