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Old 12-18-2008, 10:42 PM   #1
KingBrianI
 
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When last we left off, the beer had chased me through the straw and through an edible landscape. Once thought to have stopped there, it is now remembered that the beer was not done with me.

Through the desert I ran, the beer in hot pursuit. Over dunes of sand, clumps of dry brush and the ocassional lizard I ran. I needed a drink bad. It was hot in that desert (unlike that one in memphis, you know, the one with the slide) and I was sweating something awful. At least I was until I ran out of juice. I'd drink the beer of course, even if it was chasing me, but someone had thrown a bunch of salt in it! Or somebody's wife, rather. I think he cheated on her but he never did say. But that's not important. What's important is I was damn thirsty. I'd left the nalgene at home with that big moth I found in the back fluttering inside of it or I would have pissed in there and drank that bear grylls style. That was when I was still badass. Too bad there aren't trout in the desert, you can bite their neck and suck out fish juice.

Just as I ws contemplating stopping and letting the beer catch me and do with me what it would, I came across a camel merchant. I gave him my nikes and he gave me his camel and off I went again. God be good man! You didn't tell me this thing lurched like this! My but is near to falling off! What matter, though, we were to the edge of the desert. I jumped off the camel and jumped in the pool of jello two young women were playing in. It was cool so I ate it. Of limes and salt and feet it tasted. Must be margarita flavored. I jumped out and ran out to the street. If you can believe it, a stretched yellow hummer taxi was there and so I jumped in. "Home, driver!" I shouted, and the beer was nowhere to be seen.
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Old 12-18-2008, 10:50 PM   #2
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wha?


10 char
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Old 12-19-2008, 12:43 AM   #3
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Sounds like some of my peyote trips....
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Old 12-19-2008, 12:45 AM   #4
shecky
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Laughing Gnome's influence is far too large around here.

 
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Old 12-19-2008, 12:45 AM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by shecky View Post
Laughing Gnome's influence is far too large around here.
I was thinking the same thing.
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Old 12-19-2008, 12:47 AM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by shecky View Post
Laughing Gnome's influence is far too large around here.
I don't know about that, this rambling is almost coherent.

 
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Old 12-19-2008, 01:11 AM   #7
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I think the imagery in this post is a type that LG doesn't employ. Notice the line,

"Too bad there aren't trout in the desert, you can bite their neck and suck out fish juice."

Trout, desert, neck, fish juice; all in the same sentence. This is something different.
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Old 12-19-2008, 01:18 AM   #8
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I know what you all must be thinking. That guy is crazy! You may not believe this but it wasn't that long ago I would have scoffed at such a fantastical story too. "He Lies!" I would yell. But there it is.

I don't have dreadlocks. I'm not even black. Not even a little. But when I woke up last easter I looked like a motherlovin' rastafarian. Scared the skeet out of me when I looked in the mirror. And the damn cramp in my neck from the locks and how I was laying on them! I didn't have time to contemplate the overnight transformation though, I had a staff meeting to attend and I was late. I walked into my kitchen and called the staff to assemble. Rosa, the housekeeper was first to come to attention on the line. Old Grover, the landscaper, was next. His lazy ass is always in the kitchen. Last was Ellington, the butler. He dragged in looking as dolorous as ever. "Staff," said I, "Today is an important day. Today is Easter." "Who the <censored> <censored> are you?" Grover exclaimed in his dusty voice. Rosa said some damn thing in spanish, I never could tell what the hell she was saying. Ellington stood there looking as though he had misplaced his pet chinchilla, though he didn't have one. Rather than explain to them that I was Brian and that some sorcery had befallen me during the night, I ran the hell out of there. It wasn't until I was standing in the street that I realized I was in naught but shorts. And I wasn't about to go back in the house looking like some stranger. Grover was like to stab me with his pitchfork! So I did what any rastafarian looking man in naught but shorts would do -- I walked down to the souvenir shop and bought a rastafarian hat, complete with fake hair. Well, not having a lack of hair, I tore the dirty knots out of the hat and stuck it on my head, as jaunty as I dared. The rainbow weave looked amazing on my new facade, so far as I could tell by the reflection in the used electronics store window. Hey, that radio looks sweet. I'll have to stop by and get that once I have a shirt.

Thats all I remember about that Easter. But the one before I found 8 eggs and won a slap bracelet!
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Old 12-19-2008, 02:28 AM   #9
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Quote:
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let me tell you about the last time a christian tried to email me:

LEAVE ME BE! i yelled as i tried to run away. but the beer had no ears for me as it chased me up the straw and into my mouth (i didn't realize until later that it was weird i was running up a straw and into my mouth)(i also didn't realize until later that it was weird that i was drinking beer with a straw but then it hit me, i wasn't drinking the beer on purpose, it was making me)(also, hemmorhoids). as i fell from the straw i could feel the beer on my tail, gaining with every step. suddenly i found myself naked and alone. i was blind! oh wait, my eyes were just closed. that's strange. why am i in that willy wonka everything is edible place? it was at that moment, that very particular singular moment that i decided, "who cares!" and jumped into a vanilla icing filled toadstool. i spent hours there, nay, days. days wandering from plant to plant, lawn to sidewalk, eating whatever i happened to stumble upon. and what a delight it was. well, except for when i ate that oompah loompah -- they are much less tasty than their small stature and orangish complexion would lead you to believe. somehow, i had found my way into the top of a gumdrop tree, just bursting with juicy ripe gumdrops. do try the purple ones next time you are in willy wonkas eat whatever you see place! anyway, so i was in the tree and trying to have a bit of a nap, but the sugar pains in my stomach were intent of fighting back. out of seemingly nowhere, a marshmallow sparrow landed on my face and near scared me to death! backwards i fell from the tree. down and down i went. surely i should have hit the ground by now yet still i fell. how strange, i mused, as i found a bit of toffee in the tread of my shoes and popped it in my mouth. mayhaps the ground was further than i thought? no, it only took me a minute to climb up. and that was when the christian sent me an email. i hit my computer because i was mad at the christian but it did no good. and that is why im trying to invent e-smacking.

For those who are curious, I haven't invented e-smacking yet. I did invent e-kicking one night though. But between being drunk and it not being what I intended, I proceeded to erase it all. The next morning I realized what an idiot I was. For e-kicking would be much more useful than e-smacking. That's why I only invent when mostly sober now. Partially, at least. Well I'm not passed out anyway.
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Old 12-19-2008, 03:16 AM   #10
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wait...did you say you were drinking beer out of a straw?
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