I need help. Seiously!!

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That sucks man. I would start lawyer shopping.

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Ouch! I'm very sorry man. I have heard something similar once but that was from a girlfriend so the solution there was simple...

How long were you together before you were married and how long have you been married?

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Talk to her- now! Tell you what you told us, that you love her and are shocked to hear her feelings. Ask her to go to counseling with you so she can express whatever it is she needs to express while you listen.

Yeah, I know it sucks. But if you want to save this relationship, you have to work this out and the only way to do it is with professional help.

That's hard.

Is your wife open to discuss why she is feeling this way?

Did you do something, or was this completely out of the blue?

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Can you recall what/when started her down this path of resentment? Were there any big changes in your life once you got married like moving away from friends/family?

Going out on a limb here but is she a stay at home wife/mother?

IXVolt said:

That's hard.

Is your wife open to discuss why she is feeling this way?

Did you do something, or was this completely out of the blue?

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No nothing specific. I was caught off guard but I knew she had been upset lately

H-ost said:

Can you recall what/when started her down this path of resentment? Were there any big changes in your life once you got married like moving away from friends/family?

Going out on a limb here but is she a stay at home wife/mother?

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No she works and makes more than I do. That may be part of the resentment unfortunately. She wanted to be a stay at home mom. I'm trying to make enough. I'm just not there yet

Wow. I don't normally recommend being sober, but this time, you may want to get straight and then have a sit down with her. I'm sure you know that has to and want that to be done.

The two of you will have to find out why she feels that way, when it started, why she stayed, what's stopping her from leaving and if you can or want to change things to change that. You can love her to death, but you can't live as someone else for someone else indefinitely. That mask is gonna melt right off one day.

I don't want to offer false hope. That's worse than acknowledging hopelessness. But maybe, maybe, she doesn't feel like she said. There may be something else going on here. You need to be the one who goes at this open pattern shotgun style to get to the bottom of it.

PS
Don't reely use a shotgun. Not yet, anyway.

Ha thanks for the advice. I thinking right now and feeling like I married her because I loved her. She married me just because we were together for so long. I'm going to gather the courage to talk to get soon but just not quite there yet. I already feel defeated

Talk to her now. It wont get better until you do After 20 years, my wife and I finally figured it out and the last few months have been great.

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I would agree that talking to her while you are drunk and she is sober might not be the best idea, just more fuel against you. However, while you are sobering up take some time to jot down things you think you might want to say to her.

My 2c.

Stop drinking for the rest of today.
Take a walk to clear your head.
Talk to her, tell her how shocked you were and genuinely apologize.
Ask her if you can meet with a counselor.

Keep in mind you need to at least confront these feelings today, because to her... not addressing them can be interpreted in unbelievably numerous ways. None of which I'm certain are to your benefit.

Well I talked to her now and I was a drunken mess but I told her how I feel and how what she said was really extreme. I'm smoking now so will see how it goes once I go back in

I guess the drinking for courage really worked out for you (never works for me). I hope you can post from your phone to update us, incase she's thrown the PC out the door by now.

lol

Sorry, but you need to sober up before you confront her any more. And sober up now. You being drunk at this time is not going to help. Its going to be hard, but can be done. However, it is a 2 way street and it takes 2. So you need to figure out what happened and talk it over. AND be sober when it happens. In fact I would not recommend drinking any again until this gets sorted out. It could even be the drinking that is causing it. But you need to figure it out and figure it out soon.

Ok so it looks like a lack of attention and to much brewing talk has done me in. Well I think we definitely need some counseling but at least I broke the ice

Glad to hear she is open to counseling! That means there is still hope!

This might be obvious, but it is time to start "husbanding" your marriage as you would your garden. Make a point of regularly spending time with her a few hours a night hanging out watching her shows with her, as well as trying to reconnect by finding your common interests and investing some time in them regularly: going for a walk, making a point of going out to eat together once or twice a month as a couple (leave the kids home if you have any), going yard sale-ing... what ever those activities are, make a point of doing them together on a regular basis!

Also, I don't know how house hold labor breaks down in your house, but make sure to pitch in with the dishes, laundry and cooking, etc...

Don't make a big deal of it, don't expect it to change things immediately, don't expect recognition for it. Just do it causally, and regularly. Make a habit of it.

And if there are any little things she likes (mine likes nut buster paraits, for instance) just grab one at random every once and awhile and bring it home for her.

It will take some effort, but if you love her and want to restore your relationship, you need to invest in it.

I'm not saying do these things all at once all the time, but start making a point of working them into your routine.

Best of luck, I hope you can work it out.

Edit: I read this and it looks like I'm suggesting giving up all your free time and everything you might like and bending over backwards for her. I'm not, but it sounds like you need to give up some of it and spend more of it on the marriage.

just my 2 cents

She thinks you spend too much time talking about brewing??

Dump her.

Check out the "Show Me Your SWMBO" thread and see all of the really hot supportive SWMBOS other brewers have!


Or you could take D0ugs advice above. Either way.

It sounds like there's really two levels of counseling that need to occur. On one level, there's obviously a problem in the marriage that needs to be dealt with. On a second level, there is obviously a communication problem between you two. You can't have a serious conversation without drinking and she has some problem communicating with you. Either she thinks it's ok to talk to you like she did (which is a communication problem) or she thought it was appropriate to bring up a serious subject by trying to provoke a reaction out of you (also a communication problem). Although I'm not much of a fan of psychology, you two definitely need to find a counselor who can work on both issues, whether it's a psychologist or somebody else qualified to engage in marriage counseling. If you just deal with the underlying problem and not the communication issues, you'll probably end up in the same place where something isn't right, it doesn't get talked about and then there's a huge blow up. You'll either spend your life miserable or get divorced.

Man up and fight for her. You wooed her once, do it again. Feelings are fickle; love is "more than a feeling"...it's a choice and commitment. It's worth fighting for. I'm preaching to the choir, I think, just hoping to encourage.

Seen the movie Fireproof? It's a bit hokey, but underlying is powerful.

Keep posting here as much as you need. This community is with you

Any updates?

Wow, that text is harsh on many levels. I would probably start crying if my wife sent me something like that.

I rarely give advice on things like this, but I had some ideas here. It has been a few days since the OP's last update so maybe things have changed, but based on the text it looks like things need to change immediately before they get any worse. She said that you brew too much so what's the underlying issue here? Does the brewing just take away time that she wants to spend with you? Do you get sloppy drunk and embarrass yourself whenever you brew? Maybe it's something else. While you try to get to the bottom of this issue I would recommend cutting back or even stopping the brewing until it's figured out. Sometimes with a partner it's not "the brewing" that is the real problem.

I can't really comment much on the attention/communication part, but it is strange that she would send a text that could have such a huge impact on the rest of your lives. The fact that she couldn't tell you in person shows her communication issues, but maybe she thought you wouldn't pay enough attention if it wasn't written down in front of you. Either way, texting that message instead of telling you is not right.

Hope you can get things back on track.

If she feels that way after 10 yrs together, you're probably past the "sit down and talk together".
It'll fix things for a couple of months but the situation will come back.
I'd go with couple counseling ASAP.

I sincerely hope you two guys will find what is needed to get thing fixed.

She said she was tired of his constant talking about brewing.

I been there. They think it's a phase you're going through. They put up with it for a bit.

Then they start to worry about "obsession". They start to resent your preoccupation with brewing.

The sex life goes downhill. TV becomes a way for them to cope while you spend every evening in the brewhouse, or online with your new "Beer Friends".

The last straw is when they walk in on you fondling your equipment.

Homercidal said:

The last straw is when they walk in on you fondling your equipment.

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For me, it was when she caught me sniffing my air locks.

Homercidal said:

The sex life goes downhill.

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Hah, that's what a 90min mash is for! You got time to kill anyway!

There is no way I can mash for 90 minutes. Full conversion usually takes about 10 for me.

Homercidal said:

There is no way I can mash for 90 minutes. Full conversion usually takes about 10 for me.

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Throw a protein rest in here and there!

Did the OP's wife throw down the ban hammer on his HBT usage?

neko said:

Did the OP's wife throw down the ban hammer on his HBT usage?

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Hopefully he made a conscious decision to quit the drinking and brewing and HBT until things get sorted out. Only issue is we are the ones trying to support the guy and he cut us off.

Or his wife put an Adult Lock on the computer with only the keywords Beer and Brew and didn't tell him the password.

Maybe he just recognized the type of help he was getting on here and did himself a favor!

Well thank you for everyone's input and advice. It was definitely harsh what my wife said and I believe she meant it in some ways but I think it was more of a plea to really get my attention. Definitely not the best way to handle it but I got my attention. We did alot of talking and some counseling is probably in order. We just decided to spend more time actually together just not in the same room. Hopefully things get better. I'm still pretty upset about what she said but I will just have to work through. I don't know if she just settled down by the time I talked to her and still feels the same way but all I can do is try my hardest regardless. Now I just need to cut back a little on the brewing obsession which will be hard

Also no I'm not a drunkard and do not get wasted on my brew days ha

Mknox4354 said:

We just decided to spend more time actually together just not in the same room.

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This confuses me. Not in the same room? How is that spending time together?

Sorry for the text. That is brutal. But you also need to look at the other side of this. Sometimes it's just over. And if that's the case, you need to start looking at your options. Kids? House? Cars? Get a lawyer and ask some questions. Don't mean to be harsh, but I've been there too and sometimes you just need to protect yourself.

I think he meant spend time interacting with each other, not just being in the same room together and being in their own worlds.