What not to say on a first date!

Laughing_Gnome said:

I had three sh!ts today!.....Wait there, I'll be back soon.

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That's the FUNNIEST thing I've heard all day!

This rubber has only been used a couple of times..........

My best friend told me fat chicks give good head so I'm hoping this date turns out well

Nice legs... when do they open?

"They DONT take AMEX???? ,Do You have any Money?"

"Ow!! sorry I had an abcess drained today,guess I'll stick to the beer"

"That fish there cooking smells Really bad!!,almost like my bank tellers p**sy"

"Wow, You almost sound educated!!"

"Excuse me......"Hello,....No honey,Im stuck at the office,I'll see you tomorrow........Yes before dinner I Promise......ok....yeah.....Love you too"


"Do you play D&D?"

Wanna Play beer pong at my buddies after we get out of here?"

Didnt Joe Rodgers f*&k you in seventh grade?

"It rubs the lotion on it's skin or it gets the hose again."

"Can I get you a roofy colada?"

"So the Swiss Guard arrested me for pulling out my c*** at the Vatican."

"So, after I left the rest area, I never heard from Big John again."

"I'm a level 29 Paladin."

...or my personal favorite...only speak using quotes from Pulp Fiction.

"I'm a level 29 Paladin."

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Srsly. One must be at least lvl 77.

I'm so hungry, I could eat a puppy.

My mommy bought me new socks for our date!

I work at the humane society... I like to microwave the kittens.

I'm out of rubbers but I brought this snack bag.

That tattoo will look great all dried and stretched out!

I must have been drunk when I agreed to go on a date with you.

You want to see my human skull collection?

Would you wear this paper bag?

You have nice teeth. I bet they would make a great necklace.

You look so hot, I want to pee on you right now.

I want to watch you bleed.

How long does human skin keep in a fridge?

Oh good, you will just fit in the gunny sack that I brought!

Don't worry, I made sure to dig the hole big enough for you!

You can scream all you want. There's nobody around to hear you now.

Your eyes will go well in my collection.

Have no fear, they make great prosthetics nowadays.

I stitched you up pretty good. Every time you find an organ, I'll put it back in!

I cut off my ear for you.

You have tasty smelling blood.

A human eye pops like a grape when you chew it.

Hello Clarisse.

I want to watch you suffocate.

Guess which serial killer I'm copying!

The human head can live for up to twenty seconds after being cut off. Let's see how long yours goes!

Domminigan said:

You have nice teeth. I bet they would make a great necklace.

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Perfection.

"Does this smell like chloroform to you?"

"So they have this thread on a web forum I read about 'What not to say on a first date'. Lemme run a few of the better ones by you to give you an idea of the kind of people I associate with."

"Hi. I'm Curtis."


There! I win!

Are those real?

Have you met my wife?

shecky said:

Have you met my wife?

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He. He. I can do better.

"Have you met my wives?"

Yes, I'll respect you in the morning. It's me I won't respect for sleeping with a pig like you.

No those pants don't make your ass look too big. Really, you shouldn't be blaming the pants.

We might as well have sex, cause I'm going to drop a load in your presence even if I have to follow you up your driveway jerking off.

Where's my ointment?

The itching is almost gone.

Wanna see my warts?

I got a pair of hip waders, a Lone Ranger mask & some maple syrup in the car.

Mommy, I've been very bad.

You kiss way better than my sister.

Got any KY? I forgot mine.

You're my first date, since I got out.

(for those in the UK, NZ & AU) Hi, I'm Chavvy T. Minger.

Wow, you're pretty big, I'm going to need two roofies for you!

Alternatively...

That's a thick neck. Glad I brought the heavy gauge piano wire!

"does this look infected to you?"

"dont worry, the doctor said it isn't contagious as long as I keep taking the pills"

"the voice in my head said to tell you that you are pretty."

jgln said:

A bit off topic but I was always awkward around girls for many years and no too smooth a talker. Anyway, my first job was washing dishes at a restaurant. One of my coworkers told me one of the waitresses wanted me to ask her out. I got up my nerve and approached her and said. "Hey Hi, I heard you wanted to go out with me". She almost dropped her tray and quickly fled embarrassed. I quickly realized what an ass I was. She never said hi to me again. My friend couldn't believe I said that and screwed up a sure thing. I should have tried to apologize but had no clue how to so it ended like that. She was hot, never forget that.

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Hi, I'm sorry I was such an ass the other day, it's just that I was nervous and didn't know what to say. Can you forgive me and let me start over?

If she was worth knowing she would say yes, if she said no she was not work knowing.

Heard this from a comedian:

Excuse me; I was hoping you could help me out. My co*k just died, would you mind if I buried it in your a$$?

bluehouse said:

Hi, I'm sorry I was such an ass the other day, it's just that I was nervous and didn't know what to say. Can you forgive me and let me start over?

If she was worth knowing she would say yes, if she said no she was not work knowing.

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Interesting, I am just seeing this reply now. Yeah, I am sure I could have patched it up but like I said I was about as smooth as a pile of boulders and didn't have the nerve to even try. Yeah I was a very shy kid, too shy but I have gotten over that somewhat but it is difficult when that is just how you are. I would probably do a lot of things differently if I could but you can’t and that is what makes us what we are. I am glad I am not a loudmouth though.

boulders can be very smooth

Bah, let your smart phone do the talking. Everyone needs their own version of the Buffalo Bill Dance just in case. Tuck rule.



(not me )

DesertBrew said:

Bah, let your smart phone do the talking. Everyone needs their own version of the Buffalo Bill Dance just in case. Tuck rule.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GFJU1ioVS00&feature=related

(not me )

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Yeah, your behind the mask right??