Making friends as an adult SUCKS!

I'm a social bloke, a bit quiet when you don't really know me, incapable of shutting up when you do. I've never had a problem making friends in the past, but since moving to California, both my wife and I are completely stumped.

I work from home, and my workmates are 3,000 miles away in DC. My wife works in an office where, quite literally, everyone is 20 years older than her. We live in a neighborhood where, just like my wife's workplace, most people are considerably older than us, and never seem to leave their houses. Many of the local bars that have the few people in our age group are empty by 9:00pm, as people head home to their kids.

I tellya, my wife actually suggested last week that we pop out a couple of kids, just so we can fit in!

Have you contacted any local hbt'ers? I spent about a year and a half really isolated while both my parents were going through major health challenges, shortly after that I took up homebrewing and started to meet some of the michigan folks on here. Some of us have really close over the last few years. (I'm even doing one of our member's weddings this coming summer.)


Another good resource is http://www.meetup.com/ you can find groups all around the world based on your interests. In fact I found a craft beer meetup group that would meet once a month at a brewpub. So there's all sorts of ways to make friends these days.

I think I have more now, than when I was younger.

Definitely no reason to have kids.

But if you do, you'll be way too busy to care about freinds. Or lack of.

Join a homebrew club! I joined my first club late last year and have made a ton of new friends that way. Not that I am in the same situation as you with everything else, but I still met tons of new friends through the club.

Having a common interest goes a long way in new friendships.

A ditto for Meet Up. Don't use it myself, as nothing happens down here, but I have several friends who love it.

I second joining a homebrew club.

Or really any sports or other activities you enjoy doing or even have an interest in..go find a club.

i just work more over time to numb the emptiness.

I actually did make not just a friend but a welding instructor and brewing mentor on here, who lives an hour up the road in Sebastapol. So woohoo for HBT right there.

We're actually not completely sans friends. We do get out and meet folks, it's just that we're at an age where we're the complete exception to the rule in that we don't have kids. So everyone we meet, their kids are completely (and understandably) the priority. And it's not that we're averse to kids, we like 'em, we're just not at a place in our lives where we want them, and as such we always feel utterly out of place when meeting up. And it's nigh on impossible for the impromptu phone call of "wanna go grab a beer?" or "where are you watching the game?" kinda thing, and instead of the "Let's meet up Friday night for happy hour and grab some dinner" it tends to be "You guys come over for dinner, our youngest will scream the house down, one of us will spend the entire evening with the kids, and by 9:00pm it's time to call it a night."

I'll have to check out meetup - my wife used it when we first moved here to find a book club without too much success, but that was three years ago... hmm.

your situation sounds awfully close to mine. I moved to Cali after spending the first 27 years of my life in washington and having life long friends up there. Now I am here with people I have not known that long and I feel like a boy trying to get the girl, you don't wan to seem to anxious and come on too strong but dang I just want to hang out and drink beer, watch a game etc.....

Maybe it's time to setup a brew session in the SF Bay Area. Beer & BBQ always help to make friends!

GilaMinumBeer said:

Definitely no reason to have kids.

But if you do, you'll be way too busy to care about freinds. Or lack of.

Click to expand...

Ain't that the truth.

also, if it is any consultation, if I was closer, I'd be your friend.

On the other hand, I know someone who will be moving to santa rosa in about a month who is a HUGE good beer fan.

Convert to a religion and go to a church/synagogue/temple/mosque. Those places still seem to be the centers of most communities social circles.

A Bay Area brew day wouldn't be a bad idea at some point. Of course, I would have to work out a schedule around my wife and kids, tee hee!!!

I agree about finding a brew club. I've been going to one for a few months and it's nice to have a few folks to chat about beer with. I moved down to this area from Washington about 13 years ago and, after a few years, made a handful of friends. Now we all have kids or have gone separate ways and, while still in the area, we don't get to see each other that often.

Sniff, now I'm thinkin' I might be needin' a friend!!!

Nearest one to me is the Sonoma Beerocrats, an hour each way. And I've got absolutely no problem driving, but driving to something beer-related, and the potential DUI situations makes me leery. (Hah, as if I wouldn't have to drive if there was a brew club in Marin...)

ubermick said:

Nearest one to me is the Sonoma Beerocrats, an hour each way. And I've got absolutely no problem driving, but driving to something beer-related, and the potential DUI situations makes me leery. (Hah, as if I wouldn't have to drive if there was a brew club in Marin...)

Click to expand...

No reason you have to drink if you don't want to. I've been to several meetings with people abstaining for various reasons and it's never a big deal.

Here's where you can go find a list of clubs in California ( I know big list but you'll have to sift through and find the ones close to you ):

http://www.homebrewersassociation.org/pages/directories/find-a-club

humann_brewing said:

also, if it is any consultation, if I was closer, I'd be your friend.

Click to expand...

Aww, I just got all warm and fuzzy!

humann_brewing said:

On the other hand, I know someone who will be moving to santa rosa in about a month who is a HUGE good beer fan.

Click to expand...

I know a few people up there (there seems to be a much bigger brewing population there than Marin) but as I mentioned above, it's an hour each way, which is a long way to go after a few beers, and CHP lining the 101 all the way south. But have him drop me a line when he gets here, and I'll at the very least point him towards some excellent breweries and a few local brewers.

Marin truly seems like the social wasteground of the Bay Area. All the cool kids live in San Francisco, all the cool kids that can't afford San Francisco live in Sonoma. Everyone who's a working professional aged 40 and up with at least one kid lives in Marin, haha.

There is actaully a Child Free group near me on the meetups website. I'm in a podunk town. I'm sure you could find one similar.

ubermick said:

Marin truly seems like the social wasteground of the Bay Area. All the cool kids live in San Francisco, all the cool kids that can't afford San Francisco live in Sonoma. Everyone who's a working professional aged 40 and up with at least one kid lives in Marin, haha.

Click to expand...

You should try living in unincorporated Hayward, talk about a hot spot!!!

I miss the days when me and SWMBO lived in San Francisco and could spend Saturdays walking the city, hitting up a movie, dinner at a local joint, maybe slip into our favorite bar for a drink or two afterwards. Sigh...

Brewing Clamper said:

Maybe it's time to setup a brew session in the SF Bay Area. Beer & BBQ always help to make friends!

Click to expand...

Sign me up! I agree about the kids thing. All of our friends have kids as well and seem to be content just watching them for hours on end. I'm sorry but I'm just not that in to other people's kids.

Shooter said:

I miss the days when me and SWMBO lived in San Francisco and could spend Saturdays walking the city, hitting up a movie, dinner at a local joint, maybe slip into our favorite bar for a drink or two afterwards. Sigh...

Click to expand...

Amen to that. Before we moved out to California, we lived in downtown Washington DC, where absolutely any social nighttime activity was right there. When we got here, we thought about renting in the City for a year or two before we bought a house, but my wife got a job in San Rafael, didn't want to handle the commute, and now here we are...

Not that I'm knocking it - there's no way I'd be brewing like I brew if we had a tiny TIC in the City. Love me my garage!

Open a medical marijuana dispensary... you'll meet lots of new and interesting people.

You know, as I got a little older and remained childless, I found that my call-ya-up-anytime friend pool changed. Now, it consists of older folks with kids who are older or even grown. Typically, they're kinda the grown-up hippie sort who know how to do lots of stuff that I don't and have interests that are a little more odd than the typical suburbuanite fare. They are kind of older folks with young hearts/minds. I can hang out with them and learn stuff. It works. Or maybe I just have an old soul. Or just that I became a curmudgeon early?

Well, I'd say let's hang, but I've got a wee one at home, too. (Kid, that is.) But I still try to get out at least once in a while. Like, I spend last Saturday night getting sh*tfaced at Zeitgeist. Great times. If you want, I could PM you next time I head out...


Oh, and yeah, Marin. Safe, beautiful. Boring.

BTW, I don't know any of these dudes, but if you're looking for other HBers, here might be a place to start: http://beerandnosh.com/2010/06/clara-st-brewing-collective/

JonK331 said:

.... and seem to be content just watching them for hours on end.

Click to expand...

Not really a content thing so much as a choice. As parents, you either choose to watch your children or allow them to become the un-regulated hoodlums we so admire in this society.

It's not that we necessarily don't "want" to "hang out" so much as the lifestyle doesn't really afford it. So, after children you take on another mindset. If the fact that I have children is burdensome to my "friends" then they aren't much of a "friend" anymore.

GilaMinumBeer said:

If the fact that I have children is burdensome to my "friends" then they aren't much of a "friend" anymore.

Click to expand...

+1! I've lost some semi-friends after the kids. For the most part, my two rascals can join us in most things and they behave themselves... the know better! But it is nice to be able to do stuff without them on occasion. Anyway, there is a social live after children...

Brewing Clamper said:

+1! I've lost some semi-friends after the kids. For the most part, my two rascals can join us in most things and they behave themselves... the know better! But it is nice to be able to do stuff without them on occasion. Anyway, there is a social live after children...

Click to expand...

Yup. Not meant offensively. You just choose to re-evaluate your needs and priorities. If your friends can hang with that then they really are your friends. If not, move aside, I got enough to worry about trying to keep my spawn alive and regulated.

Friends?

Who needs 'em.

I fill the emptiness with beer.

JVD_X said:

Open a medical marijuana dispensary... you'll meet lots of new and interesting people.

Click to expand...

Haha this made me laugh...Slug down a couple brews and look at your wife, (Best Friend)

I really don't have any good advise for you other than knowing that there are others out there in your situation. I have no kids and new to a small town. My neighbors are all much older than my wife and I and work is no help for either of us. If you find something that works, let me know!

We don't have/want kids either and my wife and I are approaching 40. We have a close pool of friends and do find it hard to meet new people. It's tough but we are discovering we don't need a massive amount of friends to be happy. Just a few solids. Recently we have had some friends drop off the face of the earth after having kids. So the world goes.

JVD_X said:

Open a medical marijuana dispensary... you'll meet lots of new and interesting people.

Click to expand...

I can relate, making friends once you get out of school sucks. Both my wife and I aren't native Texans, we're not graduates of the local university, we don't have kids and we don't go to church. We're 0 for 4 in terms of fitting in around here. I've made a few friends through work, but I'm a lawyer and lets face it, who wants to hang out with more lawyers? It's bad enough I have to live with myself.

I tried going to a few meetings of the local homebrew club, but there's way too many beer snobs, as opposed to beer geeks. Look, I like drinking Tecate on a hot Texas summer day. Screw you.

ubermick said:

all the cool kids that can't afford San Francisco live in Sonoma

Click to expand...

I guess I'm flattered...? (It's not really true, I'm not cool and SoCo is boring as eff.)

/subscribed

Having difficulty finding adult friends? Perhaps there's a website for that, an "adult friend finder," so to speak.

the_bird said:

Having difficulty finding adult friends? Perhaps there's a website for that, an "adult friend finder," so to speak.

Click to expand...

http://rentafriend.com/

"GoDaddy"

I would have to say that I'm pretty lucky. First off I'm 29. My 2 best friends live in the same apt complex that I do. ! is a homebrewer (that I got started). I have 3 different HBing circles that I hang with. 2 official clubs that I attend once a month each and the other is a just a group of HBT guys that get together periodically. I work with 98% women, 2 of which I live with. (1 SWMBO and the other her friend going through seperation). I am definitely an exception here, but my brew buddies and I brew pretty regularly and have a good time with it. Bottom line, I have enough brewing circles to fill in the gaps between when I'm brewing solo. Things aren't too bad here.
As an aside, this is a great beer location as of late. Just saying.

We have a couple friends that are just "kid friends". You know, people you hang with only because they also have kids. Not that they aren't nice or anything, but 90% of them are people I wouldn't hang out with normally because we don't share common interests. The point being that having kids doesn't mean you'll have meaningful friendships with people. If anything, I sometimes dread seeing them and having to pretend to be someone I'm not just so conversation isn't awkward. One couple is LDS, so I can't even tell them I brew.