Stupid Quotes by your Stupid Boss (or co-worker)

[trigger]

Marine corps classics:
A high rate of speed
Conversate
Quick, fast, and efficient
Irregardless

 

[jfr1111]

I have a coworker who had gotten into trouble with unpaid parking tickets. He learned that I was in Law School and decided to inquire as to the proper course of action (pay them, duh).

15 minutes later, he came back and asked me if I had graduated High School.

 

[Baja_Brewer]

That being said, I have a Professor who teaches us upper level math (ODEs, PDEs, Fourier Analysis, etc) who is impossible to understand because he is way too smart (higher level of understanding) and he's had a freakin' STROKE- writes like a 3rd grader and has massive speech impediments. Anyway, kids have started keeping track of how often he says/asks/confirms "okay" in each lecture. I think his record stands at 200+ times in one 1.25 hour lecture.

He sounds like Mr. Mackey when he says mmmk?:

 

[Flomaster]

I have a secretary the precedes most sentences with "Like I said....." even though she hasn't said anything at all yet. Sometimes I can't help but laugh.

ahh my worthless boss, *I do his job plus mine, but he gets paid more* always says "like I said" it hits a nerve with me I want to punch him square in the neck.

-=Jason=-

 

[scrambledegg81]

"Let me see what I can do."



Translation:

"It's going on the back burner, and probably won't see the light of day. Now get the hell back to work."

 

[curlyfat]

My boss is obsessed with saying "opportunities" instead of "things we suck at".

Example: "What do you think your opportunities were today?"

Just say, "What do you think you could do better?" or something like that.

 

[iggie]

Now I have one that likes to make it look like he actually does something. Whenever we get a mass email he forwards the email back to everyone with "see attached".

This is common practice amongst the more worthless "E-7" and above in my command. I'll get 15 emails that all say "See attached" seconds after receiving the original.

 

[jmendez29]

Not a boss, but a former co-worker. We have a truck at work with a spotlight on the roof. One evening, while driving through fog (with the spotlight on), he turns to the guy driving and says,

"I'm surprised the headlights don't work better at this speed"

at this speed?

 

[cblack85]

When referring to doing a favor for a customer, my boss always says that we are going to "trade a cracker for a ham"...

This same boss also says that "we are going to cut a fat hog" on projects that have a potential for a high profit margin

 

[CreamyGoodness]

As an assistant, I wont work for anyone that refers to me as a secretary. Its actually one of a very few things where my sense of humor completely shuts off.

I've had managers over-use almost completely meaningless terms such as:

value-added (blech)
bio-break
hawk-eyes
you need to have a thick skin (code word for "we are insufferable a-holes here. we neither like nor respect each other, and after about a week here the idea of me being hit by train will give you an erection")
and my least favorite words of all time:
detail-oriented (basically a code word for "sometimes I freak out over stupid crap")

Also, when I finally get my lunar colony set up, anyone who ends a nasty email with a passive-agressive "thx" will be shot directly into the sun.

 

[TxBrew]

you need to have a thick skin (code word for "we are insufferable a-holes here. we neither like nor respect each other, and after about a week here the idea of me being hit by train will give you an erection")

Been there.

 

[mccumath]

Im work as an RN and I hear the word "disorientated" and "orientated" a lot. Way more than anyone should. Its terrible.

"patient is disorientated to person, place and time"...

 

[JonM]

http://www.theonion.com/articles/manager-achieves-full-mastery-of-pointless-manager,2622/

 

[The_Dog_42]

I work in hydraulic generating stations. I once got a work order from a guy who had 20 years of experience telling me to fix the equipment going into the 'squirrel cage'. The bottom area of a generator is the 'scroll case'.

I wonder if your boss came from the motor world...a squirrel cage can relate to the design of the rotor in a generator / electric motor but yeah not the same as the scroll case in hydro.

 

[Billybrewer09]

I had a supervisor who was addressing the shift and said " there is no I in team, its T-E-E-M."

 

[JonM]

I had a supervisor who was addressing the shift and said " there is no I in team, its T-E-E-M."

My favorite response to that is "But there is a "u" in..." well, a word that rhymes with punt.

 

[IrregularPulse]

Now I have one that likes to make it look like he actually does something. Whenever we get a mass email he forwards the email back to everyone with "see attached".

y old boss was bad about that. Um, yeah, that email address that brought it to your inbox, takes it to all our inboxes.

It's not Rocket Surgery!

Oh C'mon. I love that one. Its so hard it's like combining rocket science and brain surgery!

 

[SharonaZamboni]

My previous supervisor always said the wrong thing. She'd regress when going off-topic, and if someone lost some abilities, they had digressed. One of my evaluations said that I was "detrimental" to the overhauling of a poorly-run program.
I was comforted when she complained to me that her supervisor routinely returned her reports with red circles and spelling corrections.

 

[bengerman]

I had a coworker who had the habit of saying "this ain't my first rodeo" didn't bug me at all.
Until
Another coworker at the same job (hardware store) is about to make a big mistake in the paint dept (MY dept ) and I call him out on it, politely and quietly, and show him the right way to do it. He says "as Troy would say 'this ain't my first rodeo'"

Then proceeds to screw up 5 gallons of stain, and the customer leaves with the wrong product made the wrong way.
The customer came back a week or two later looking for more, and the same guy couldn't replicate it.

This ain't my first rodeo is now my least favorite phrase.

 

[beersteiner2345]

Co-Worker calls me yesterday (apparently I am not just a Paralegal, but also an IT Extraordinaire): "Hey Ryan, I am trying to print a pidif file from my YooHoo email account but it won't let me. Can you help me? What am I doing wrong?"

Me: ***pause***, ***mute phone to bang head into wall***, ***unmute***, "Why sure, I would be happy to help you open your YooHoo pidif. Does your computer have Adrocat?"

She said seriously "pidif" and "YooHoo". No joke.

 

[McBrewskie]

Someone at my work says "pacific" instead of "specific"

Dude, stop being a racist.

 

[WhineinAlbany]

More of annoyance, but when my boss explains something, she always says "in essence ..." I hear this about 20 times a day when she's on the phone. She also says "my god!" at least 10 times a day like something just blew her mind. I guess her mind in blown a lot over menial tasks.

 

[jjv329]

"if today were yesterday my answer would be different" my boss makes you think before he pisses you off

 

[McBrewskie]

In all honesty my boss is great. She's ridiculously smart and just a good person.

 

[Tex]

"I'm not looking for perfection" is a line my boss uses frequently. He is ALWAYS looking for perfection.

 

[GoldMiner]

In all honesty my boss is great. She's ridiculously smart and just a good person.

Do you find it hard to breathe?

 

[Tex]

In all honesty my boss is great. She's ridiculously smart and just a good person.

She's either his wife or also on HBT

 

[Skagdog]

I've heard lots of talk recently about our budget for the next "physical" year.....smh...

 

[pksmitty]

I used to take notes in meetings of the absolute moronic things that would come out of my bosses mouth. A couple of the ones I can remember:

"That would be like cutting off our thumbs to spite our faces"

"What you say is true, but there is no truth to it"

One time, while searching for a new office building, he claimed that many buildings were being ruled out because they were too old, and the glass in the windows only had a limited life expectancy.

When I left, I gave 2 weeks notice. On my last day, after passing me in the office at least 2 -3 times a day, and not even acknowledging my existence, he called me into his office. He made some stupid comment about this being the first time he had seen me since receiving my notice. He then said "Congratulations, and may your success continue to endeavor".

It was all I could do to not simply stand up and walk out.

 

[CreamyGoodness]

"I want you to stay late so I can mentor you"

I can't even begin to describe the rage I am still feeling just typing that one out.