Popping the question

[half_whit]

The actual act of proposing doesn't scare me at all. In fact, considering who it involves, it makes total sense to me. Today I attended a family party where she found out the sex of her sister's up and coming (a girl). Since her dad also only had girls, he turned to me and said "Well Whit, looks like it's up to you!"
With comments like that, it seems his blessing is kinda in the bag. Still, I was raised old-school, and I plan to ask his permission before I ask hers. That is the one conversation that terrifies me.

Anyone have some advice on this?

 

[meltroha]

He's expecting it with comments like that. If her Mom is also around, I'd make sure they are both there, and bring flowers for her Mom. Don't worry about it, what's the worst that can happen, it's not like he's going to eat you! Good luck, and wait a couple years before kids, let your relationship develop and strengthen first, and travel to places like Vegas, can't go there with kids and have fun!

 

[GuldTuborg]

While I understand where you're coming from in terms of following etiquette, consider as well how it might come off to them. Maybe they will appreciate your following the perhaps "old-fashioned" ways, or maybe it will smack them of a time when women were given away, complete with dowry and not unlike property. Maybe they will differ on the matter. I'm sure you know best, I guess I'm just suggesting you think it through from what all three of you want out of this process.

If you do approach him first, I don't imagine you have much to worry about. Like you said, you practically have his blessing already. So long as you have a good relationship, I'd just be open about what you're asking and why, and I'm sure things will go well from there.

Whatever happens, congrats on your soon to be engagement. Enjoy it while you can, as the wedding planning will start at some point not too long after. That's where things get challenging. I'll give you one guess as to how I know.

 

[Melana]

Maybe tell the parents the date you're going to propose and surprise her with a nice dinner out with her parents so she can share her awesome news?

 

[mrphillips]

Bring Beer I'm not saying get him drunk so he says yes...but this is certainly a conversation to have over a couple micro-brews.

Congratulations!

 

[Homercidal]

Ask him. I think it's romantic and I don't see how it hurts to know how he sees you in the family picture, and I'm sure he would appreciate the thoughtfulness. It's a sign of respect towards him.

 

[half_whit]

Oh I'm asking, no doubt. I have a lot of respect for her family and always have. I know how to ask her. It's asking him that is somehow making me nervous. He's a no-nonsense no-filter kind of guy (part of what I like about him). I'll definitely bring beer for it!

Oh, and he used to be a homebrewer!

 

[savannahbrew]

Going to the conversation was much worse than actually having the conversation. I was so nervous until it started then the conversation started flowing. It ended up being the first time my now father-in-law ever gave me a hug! I agree have a gift in hand for both (flowers and a sixer). Good luck!

 

[BinghamtonEd]

I invited my now father-in-law golfing. Asked him after about 7 holes. Then proceeded to shoot a 6 on a par 3 (very out of the norm for me) and he said "Jesus, I already said you could marry her, relax."

I say ask. If he's not expecting it, who cares, he'll probably at least feel respected. If he was expecting it and you don't do it, that's a bad way to start off the rest of your life.

 

[butterpants]

Called mine on the phone as they lived 12 hours away. His response was 'it's about time!'

 

[bsjracing]

I had to phone it in as well, luckily at the time he was helping my brother in law do some work on his house, so he' had a couple or three beers...pretty easy deal.

 

[drainbamage]

Sounds like he already expects it and approves, you might as well make it official!

 

[Cyclman]

Confession- I regret that I didn't ask my now father-in-law. It wasn't fear- I am in Sales, but I thought it sort of tied into the old fashioned "they pay for the wedding" tradition. I knew they couldn't afford a wedding, so I didn't want to have them feel any obligation.

Then, they insisted on paying for everything, we had a beautiful wedding. BIG REGRET

We get along super great, no looking back.

I really like the idea of doing it over a special homebrew, it personalizes the occasion (assuming he drinks beer).

Congrats and good luck.

 

[FatsSchindee]

Yeah, you should get down on one knee and present him a homebrew... that'll be good practice for the real thing!

Seriously, though... it was nerve-wracking for me when I asked my in-laws (they were both there, so I figured it was less old-fashioned to ask them both as opposed to just him), but was a relief and uplifting to get the yes (also got the "We were wondering when you were going to!") from them. And it does sound like he won't say no... so just do it. You can be as formal or casual as you like about it, he'll just be impressed you asked.

Congrats!

 

[Sammy86]

IMO, you have to ask...that's his daughter and its a sign of respect for not only him but for her as well.

I asked my now FIL at his law office, he knew it was coming his exact line was, "You never come to visit me, what? are you here to ask for her hand? You didn't have to do that!"

It was a special moment for us as well and we have a great relationship, so I say go for it...and don't forget her mom either!

My MIL made me say please it was a little awkward...

 

[adiochiro3]

I can give perspective from both sides of the question.

Like others, I was really nervous to ask my FIL. He had a great sense of humor and let me twist in the wind just a little. When I finally asked, he told me to give it some more thought and come back in 2 weeks and ask again (this whole proposal-thing was no surprise as we had been dating 2 years and I got along really well with the whole family). I didn't know what to say until he slapped his hand down on the table and told me he thought this was great. Talk about a roller coaster. Glad I did it; George deserved the respect.

A bonus came out of that conversation: he asked me what I wanted to call them. He confessed that he had spent his entire married life never directly addressing his FIL because he never knew what was appropriate. I chose to call them mom & dad.

Fast-forward 27 years: I get the phone call (he lived 7 hours away) from my future SIL -- again, no great surprise, but their relationship needed a little more time to develop. However, he doesn't ask in any sort of traditional way. He says, "I think you know I plan to ask your daughter to marry me. I want to know what you think about that."

My first thought was, "Go ahead, tell him what you think! He ASKED!" But I knew this was a tough call for him to make, so I went a little easy on him. I asked him to give things a little more time and then they would have my blessing. They were both irritated with me, but I didn't care because I knew I was right.

I did very much appreciate the respect of a conversation before announcing the engagement. Meant a lot to me, even though it wasn't traditional. I hoped that my kids' spouses would call us mom and dad, but so far were 0-1. Maybe the other 2 will when they join the family...

 

[BinghamtonEd]

That would be another interesting thread, what do you call your in-laws?

Personally, I thought about it, and decided I could never bring myself to call my in-laws anything other than by their first names. I felt like the normal parental titles of Mom, Dad, etc were reserved for my parents who spent the better part of their lives putting up with me. My decision was out of respect for my own parents. That is in no way to say that other people choosing to call their in-laws by Mom and Dad (or something similar) is disrespecting their parents.

Then again, I'm not an overtly mushy guy, I've been married 4 years now, and still when we leave the in-laws and my MIL says "Love you both!", my wife responds with "Love you too!" and I respond with a mumble. Don't get me wrong, I love them, they're fantastic people, it's just weird to me.

 

[half_whit]

That would be another interesting thread, what do you call your in-laws?

Personally, I thought about it, and decided I could never bring myself to call my in-laws anything other than by their first names. I felt like the normal parental titles of Mom, Dad, etc were reserved for my parents who spent the better part of their lives putting up with me. My decision was out of respect for my own parents. That is in no way to say that other people choosing to call their in-laws by Mom and Dad (or something similar) is disrespecting their parents.

Then again, I'm not an overtly mushy guy, I've been married 4 years now, and still when we leave the in-laws and my MIL says "Love you both!", my wife responds with "Love you too!" and I respond with a mumble. Don't get me wrong, I love them, they're fantastic people, it's just weird to me.

I've always just called her mom "Ma!" and she loves it. I never go the full "mom" sound out of respect (both for her and my own mom). Her dad on the other hand...I generally avoid situations where I would need to address him with a name. "Dad" is out; again, because I have one already (well, had. He was actually there to help me out a lot when mine passed away). His other son-in-law has always just calls him Dave, which I also have a hard time with. That day we went fishing I called him by name, but in normal situations he's still the "adult" and I'm still the "kid" in my eyes. I usually stick to eye contact and firm handshakes

 

[jbaysurfer]

I've always just called her mom "Ma!" and she loves it. I never go the full "mom" sound out of respect (both for her and my own mom). Her dad on the other hand...I generally avoid situations where I would need to address him with a name. "Dad" is out; again, because I have one already (well, had. He was actually there to help me out a lot when mine passed away). His other son-in-law has always just calls him Dave, which I also have a hard time with. That day we went fishing I called him by name, but in normal situations he's still the "adult" and I'm still the "kid" in my eyes. I usually stick to eye contact and firm handshakes

I called my father in law Tom until we had our Daughter. She calls him "Pappa"..so now he's "Pappa Tom" to me. I get the dilemma, I think the eye contact and handshake go a long ways. We also hug on occasion. What can I say, Kalifornia hippys.

 

[MyNameIsPaul]

Maybe tell the parents the date you're going to propose and surprise her with a nice dinner out with her parents so she can share her awesome news?

I asked for permission over a dinner with both of my now in-laws. They were ecstatic and saw it coming as well. One of my now brother-in-laws didn't ask, and let's just say that that relationship is strained, to put it nicely. It's a respect thing, old-fashioned or not.

After I proposed (with a homebrew with a special label on it) we met up with them for a dinner cruise out in the Gulf. It was a lot of fun to share the news with them. Needless to say, I have a great relationship with them and actually look forward to hanging out with them.

 

[firerat]

Just ask him. Don't over think it, just go for it.

 

[Xpertskir]

While I understand where you're coming from in terms of following etiquette, consider as well how it might come off to them. Maybe they will appreciate your following the perhaps "old-fashioned" ways, or maybe it will smack them of a time when women were given away, complete with dowry and not unlike property. Maybe they will differ on the matter. I'm sure you know best, I guess I'm just suggesting you think it through from what all three of you want out of this process.

If you do approach him first, I don't imagine you have much to worry about. Like you said, you practically have his blessing already. So long as you have a good relationship, I'd just be open about what you're asking and why, and I'm sure things will go well from there.
.

What?


Im about to have this conversation....Here is the deal, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

If you don't ask him first he may resent it for a long time, even if he likes you and would have said yes.

If you do ask and he says yes(95% he is going to, you got to be a ******* for a dad not to give you permisson) you are golden.


If he says no, then your are going to marry her anyways, and the relationship with her family was already in a poor state, it's not going to get worse.

 

[GuldTuborg]

What?

Don't get me wrong, I don't think there's anything wrong with it in general. I have heard, from several women, that asking the father first would be anything from unnecessary to strange to slightly insulting, hence the urging to consider what the other party might think. These are probably a minority of women (especially amongst those that are of typical marrying age), but you know what they say about assuming...

I think it's helpful to remember it isn't anything one has to do. The important thing is to consider what everyone want/expects, and go with that. I have a very good relationship with my soon to be FIL, but I didn't ask him first. Different strokes for different folks, and all.

 

[adiochiro3]

That would be another interesting thread, what do you call your in-laws?

To their face, or behind their back???

 

[Subsailor]

My wife was previously married.
We dated for 2 weeks and decided to get married.
I went the very next day and took her Dad to coffee.
I asked for her hand and asked are you sure?
I said yes, I am sure, he said good, because we like you sooo much better than that a-hole she was married to.
He explained that he and his wife dated for 2 months before he asked to marry her. They have been together 50 years.
I told him about my parents, 3 days and they were married. They were together 53 years before cancer took my mother.
My Wife and I have been together 14 years now.
Her dad and I went to coffee every Saturday until they moved outside 2 years ago.

I call him Dad and my mil is Mom. Neither my parents nor they, have a problem with it. If both dads are present (an extremely rare situation due to distance) one is Poppa Wright and the other is Poppa Haines.

Congratulations! Live, Love and Like each other!

 

[half_whit]

Her parents said hellz yes! Tomorrow we find out what she says!

 

[Melana]

Her parents said hellz yes! Tomorrow we find out what she says!

Woot!

 

[half_whit]

And she said yes too happy thanksgiving!

 

[HefeHood]

be looking for my invite soon...hahaha...Congrats Half Whit!

 

[brewingmeister]

Congrats.

Different strokes for different folks though as this concept never crossed my mind, nor was it important to my wife.

 

[estricklin]

Good deal, no worries in asking.

I always say "They can make ya sweat but they can't burn you alive".

 

[Roadie]

Congrats man!!

 

[mrphillips]

Very cool! Happy Thanksgiving in deed.

 

[Rich_F]

I remember how nervous I was when I was going to ask my father in-laws permission. I had a stomach ache all day and in the end everything went great! It's just a matter of not getting yourself psyched up too much before. Just be polite and to the point I guess. I was 19 when I asked permission which seems crazy to some people I guess, but here we are 2 1/2 years later with an extremely happy 9 month old baby girl. You'll be fine man, you got this!

edit, I see I was a little late in posting this, but congrats!