Let's torture this analogy some more. I guess if you wanted to age with some fruit, you could pour it over yourself while laying in your detritus, however it seems cleaner to do that in clean sheets.
Seriously though, I do not buy at all the fear-mongering that gets tossed around anytime secondaries come up about introducing "bugs". First, primary fermentation is by far the easiest place to introduce "bugs" as there is not yet a yeast foothold, and there is no alcohol, leaving hops apparently as your only defense against the Dark Arts. Essentially, if you are capable of preparing a primary, you are more than capable of preparing a secondary, where there is either an active yeast fermentation or a plethera of alcohol protecting from minor infections.
Additionally there is always a second vessel, with the same risk of infection, no matter whether it is an intermediate device such as a keg, carboy, bucket or cask, or if it is a serving device, such as a keg, cask, brite tank or bottle. You can however get into all these arguments over O2, which I won't because they always devolve, but there is nothing intrinsicly wrong with a intermediate, second fermenting/condition vessel.
They are just very rarely needed.