One Liner Jokes

[joejaz]

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

 

[FireNightFly]

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

 

[FireNightFly]

The biggest oxymoron .....

Microsoft Works

 

[joejaz]

The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust".

 

[joejaz]

Two potatoes in the refrigerator, which one is the prostitute? The one with the little label, " Idaho"

 

[dutch-brew]

Anybody know what 80 year old pu$$y smells like?








Depends

 

[joejaz]

How do you get an 80 year old women to say c##k sucker? Yell Bingo!

 

[wild]

You go to a restaurant and the waitress only has one leg, whats her name? Ilean

At a Chinese restaurant, her name is Irene.

 

[jmendez29]

There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand binary, and those who don't.

 

[ISLAGI]

Two guys walk into a bar. You'd think one of them would have seen it.

 

[Mantis]

Paper routes: 350 houses or 2 dumpsters.
-Mitch Hedberg (Best one liner stand up comedian that ever walked the earth)

 

[MeatyPortion]

A Colonel without a Sergeant Major is like a dick with no balls.

 

[Freezeblade]

more mitch hedberg:

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said "No, but I want a regular banana later, so ... yeah".

On a stop light green means go, red means stop and yellow means slow down, but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means 'hold on,' yellow means 'go ahead,' and red means, 'where the **** did you get that banana at?'

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

 

[IrregularPulse]

more mitch hedberg:

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said "No, but I want a regular banana later, so ... yeah".

On a stop light green means go, red means stop and yellow means slow down, but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means 'hold on,' yellow means 'go ahead,' and red means, 'where the **** did you get that banana at?'

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

Those are all great

 

[jmendez29]

more mitch hedberg:

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said "No, but I want a regular banana later, so ... yeah".

On a stop light green means go, red means stop and yellow means slow down, but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means 'hold on,' yellow means 'go ahead,' and red means, 'where the **** did you get that banana at?'

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

Man, I wish that guy was still around.

 

[ChshreCat]

Man, I wish that guy was still around.

He still is. You can go see him, but you need a shovel and a lookout.

 

[Freezeblade]

more:

I got an ant farm; them fellas didn't grow ****.

I just bought a 2-bedroom house, but I think I get to decide how many bedrooms there are, don't you? "**** you, real estate lady! This bedroom has an oven in it! This bedroom's got a lot of people sitting around watching TV. This bedroom's over in that guy's house! Sir, you have one of my bedrooms, are you aware? Don't decorate it!"

I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait."

A burrito is a sleeping bag for ground beef.

I like rice. Rice is great when you're hungry and you want 2,000 of something.

I find a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.

 

[Reno_eNVy]

He still is. You can go see him, but you need a shovel and a lookout.

You know, I would call that tacky but it's kinda funny and would probably be right up his alley. The man was way too funny... even better live (no pun intended.)


When I shave I like to assume someone else on the planet is also shaving. So when I go into the bathroom I say, "I'm gonna go shave... too"

 

[ChshreCat]

You know, I would call that tacky but it's kinda funny and would probably be right up his alley. The man was way too funny... even better live (no pun intended.)

Exactly why I said it. Plus, it's a good one-liner, I think.

 

[bernerbrau]

Johnny was a chemist's son
But now he is no more
For what he thought was H2O
Was H2SO4

 

[Cap'n Jewbeard]

Even though this is not a one-liner, I did come up with the first post-modern/existential joke:

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face?"

...

The horse says "Well, I just got laid off, I gambled away my savings at the track, my wife wants a divorce, and to top it all off I stubbed my hoof on the dresser this morning."

The bartender says "Yeah, things are tough all over. Here's a beer on the house."

 

[FireNightFly]

If I marry two dwarfs is that bigamy?

 

[FireNightFly]

Acording to Health Officials Sars can live on a toilet seat for 4 days ... beating out Elvis by 3.

 

[JohnnyO]

RIP Mitch.

I didn't go to college. But if I did, I'd take all of my tests in a restaurant because the customer is always right.

 

[FireNightFly]

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

 

[dutch-brew]

Why is it that jimmy cracked corn, and no-one cared.. then why did they write a damn song about it?

 

[Ceedubya]

The only thing better than a cold bud is a warm bush

Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfreind??
A: wiped his ass

 

[FireNightFly]

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes

 

[yummybeer]

boss's are like dirty diapers-- they're always full of crap and they're always on your @$$. :rockin:

 

[yummybeer]

analogies from larry the cable guy:

-as frusturated as an amish electrician
-madder than a three-legged dog trying to bury a turd on an icy lake
-as ridiculous as a one-legged brewer making hops
-more frusturated than christopher reeves doing the hoky-poky