Mistakes in Parenting

[agrazela]

My oldest daughter was such an awful, horrible, terrible baby that I had to use all my restraint on many an occasion to keep from strangling her just so I could get some sleep.

I felt kinda bad about that until one night my wife admitted she felt like strangling her, too.

Girl just got into Berkeley going for pre-med, so I guess keeping her alive just might pay off.

 

[Tin4]

I had to stop fighting my son at home. He keeps screaming "I keeel you!" at school.

 

[Billy-Klubb]

our oldest has been calling everyone "sissy". my bad. still though, kids need to harden the flocc up. our neighbors 10 y/o had a screaming fit where she was flopping around the ground like a fish out of water covered in bees that were on fire while having a seizure over a pair of roller blades. when I confronted her about it she just giggled like she was getting away with something. our 4 y/o knows better than to try crap like that with us.

 

[1977Brewer]

My boy got in a fight at pre k last week. I asked him what went down and it turns out the kid was just being a bully, to everyone. Slow clap.

 

[Hoppity]

You have only one chance raising children:

1. Do your best with moral tales and retribution teachings until they are 10-12
2. Monitor your temper and pray like Hell until they finish High School
3. Restrict College Funds based on performance
4. Revisit the relationship with a rational human being post-graduation

 

[ChemEng]

My 1 year old wanted to drink from my beer bottle so I put some beer on my finger (an IPA) thinking he would hate it and that would be the end... well he loved it and now he is obsessed with beer bottles. He will yank a bottle right out of your hand and cram it in his mouth before you know what is happening. He hasn't managed to upend one yet but it's just a matter of time until he ends up with a mouth/face/outfit full of beer.

My wife is not pleased.

 

[k1ngl1ves]

1. After I dry off my 4 year old son from his tubby, I taught him to run around the house naked and tell anyone who'll listen "Don't act like you're not impressed." He's to say it whenever he's naked. It's pretty damn funny!

2. Whenever he hears the words "tattle" or "tattle tale" he yells "Snitches get stiches."

3. My son's middle name is Danger.




At some point, this is all going to backfire on me...

 

[k1ngl1ves]

My 1 year old wanted to drink from my beer bottle so I put some beer on my finger (an IPA) thinking he would hate it and that would be the end... well he loved it and now he is obsessed with beer bottles. He will yank a bottle right out of your hand and cram it in his mouth before you know what is happening. He hasn't managed to upend one yet but it's just a matter of time until he ends up with a mouth/face/outfit full of beer.

My wife is not pleased.

Mine too. He says "Beer is tasty!" at what seems to be the most inopportune times...

 

[cyberbrew]

Both my kids (5 and almost 3) "brew beer" in the shower with the soap foam, I'm a bit surprised that one hasn't come back to me from preschool...

 

[SupervisingChildren]

My 5 yr old daughter came to me the other day and said- "I know the L word".
Me- what'?
Her- Hell!
Her- I know the eck word. "Heck" hehehe
Me- Ok hunny.
Her- I know the f word. ****!
Me-


****. I curse all the time, but not around my kids, my extended family, and my clients. I can sensor myself pretty well and don't think it came from me. Either way, ****.

 

[Hoppity]

My 1 year old wanted to drink from my beer bottle so I put some beer on my finger (an IPA) thinking he would hate it and that would be the end... well he loved it and now he is obsessed with beer bottles. He will yank a bottle right out of your hand and cram it in his mouth before you know what is happening. He hasn't managed to upend one yet but it's just a matter of time until he ends up with a mouth/face/outfit full of beer.

My wife is not pleased.

My eldest was drinking O'Doule's with me when I came home from the train for dinner at 3-4 years old. We thought it was cute.

When he drinks now, his nickname is "Scotch". Not quite the progression we were hoping for, but at that time we didn't know any better. Beware of early influences on your children. It has a lasting impression.

 

[kirbcheck]

I was carrying my 1 Year Old son to bed just the other night and just as I was standing in the threshold my wife said something behind me so I turned my whole body to look at her and banged his head on the doorway. Not only did he wake up bawling, but I felt like the worlds worst father.

Also, my wife took him outside to play after all the snow melted and she did a meticulous job picking up dog turds out of the back yard. The dog dropped a fresh bomb and within my seconds my son was there playing with it in his hands... I wish I could say we didn't have to call poison control over this incident...

 

[Hoppity]

I was carrying my 1 Year Old son to bed just the other night and just as I was standing in the threshold my wife said something behind me so I turned my whole body to look at her and banged his head on the doorway. Not only did he wake up bawling, but I felt like the worlds worst father.

Also, my wife took him outside to play after all the snow melted and she did a meticulous job picking up dog turds out of the back yard. The dog dropped a fresh bomb and within my seconds my son was there playing with it in his hands... I wish I could say we didn't have to call poison control over this incident...

My youngest was nicknamed "Rat-Boy" because he was digging in the woodpile as a 3 Year old, hugging his new doll: a dead rat. Certainly freaked me out when I first saw it, as I wasn't sure it was dead yet. Lots of washing of clothes and promises from the older brothers to not tell "Grammy". Mommy was on the list of informants and I never lived that one down.

 

[CB_in_Tokyo]

My son and I were playing when he was about 2.5 years old. He was against the wall and I did a somersault (ukemi actually) towards him. As I was in mid roll he launched himself from the wall towards me and as I righted we banged heads so hard I saw stars.

I still feel bad about that one to this day.

 

[watermelon83]

Boy, where to start? My three or four year old son wandering around our one year old and supposedly childproofed house, found a bottle of tire shine and decided it looked like water. Luckily, it tasted like crap and he spat it all over the carpet.

My three year old daughter in response to my five year old son constantly blowing the whistle on the train under the Christmas tree "I hate that flargging thing!"

One night I was slightly drunk and changing in front of my daughter, we don't stress hiding the body in this house, not nudists but you know. She pointed at the package and asked what's that. I thought she wasn't listening, I thought she would never remember when I said "Mommy's lollipop". Three weeks later, mommy and her were in the laundry room while I shed my work clothes, my daughter pointed at my junk and said "lollipop!". Yeah explain that one to the wife.

My boy, now 12, has taken to saying "mother beeper" as opposed to dad's version. One day he was playing some Xbox shot crap game and I happened to be close to the stairs. I heard the real deal, full daddy, worked in a steel mill for 21 years, curse like a sailor language out of his mouth. I shot down the stairs, grabbed him by the shirt and pulled him into the service room. I told him EXACTLY what would happen if I ever heard those words out of his mouth in my home again. Then I reminded him what his mother and grandmother would do... have never heard a curse since.

 

[Hoppity]

"Mommy's lollipop"

Heck of a legacy. How merciless will your children be 20 years hence at the Thanksgiving table?

 

[andrewmaixner]

My 1 year old wanted to drink from my beer bottle so I put some beer on my finger (an IPA) thinking he would hate it and that would be the end... well he loved it and now he is obsessed with beer bottles. He will yank a bottle right out of your hand and cram it in his mouth before you know what is happening. He hasn't managed to upend one yet but it's just a matter of time until he ends up with a mouth/face/outfit full of beer.

My wife is not pleased.

I tried that with my coffee. Now the 2 year old asks for coffee Wife similarly not amused.

Last night, 2YO opened a beer faucet while watching me do some hardware mods on the keggerator. That resulted in a pointed discussion about why that was a bad idea, why daddy was mad, and what (aside from making a mess) happens if he touches it again. His takeaway was "beer come out hole bad choice daddy make mess clean it up"
I really need to get around to making some kind of basic tap handle lock.

 

[CreamyGoodness]

Hey I started drinking coffee at age 10.

What was I saying again?

 

[Psylocide]

My 2 year old thinks everything I drink is "beer."


She's right about 98% of the time.

 

[pointcity-homebrew]

When my son was ~10 months old he was gifted this dancing hulk doll. He was so terrified of it that he would not go anywhere near it. I would put him in the living room and place the doll in the doorway and he would be confined to the living room.

Now he is 7 and still not a fan of dolls, especially ones with black eyes. We watched that old 80's movie Dolls.

 

[Cheesy_Goodness]

1. After I dry off my 4 year old son from his tubby, I taught him to run around the house naked and tell anyone who'll listen "Don't act like you're not impressed." He's to say it whenever he's naked. It's pretty damn funny!

2. Whenever he hears the words "tattle" or "tattle tale" he yells "Snitches get stiches."

3. My son's middle name is Danger.




At some point, this is all going to backfire on me...

I don't have a kid but I'll be sure to remember that one for a rainy day.
Parenting win.

 

[ArkotRamathorn]

I am getting so many good ideas from this thread when I become an uncle (no plans to have children, SWMBO is much more anti-child-bearing than I am). Since I have no children I shall regale you with a story about the shenanigans my brother and I would get into due to mom/dad.

One day my father was playing air plane or whatever with my younger brother, throwing him up into the air and catching him. Wasn't paying attention to the ceiling fan that was running in the bedroom. My brother was like 1 or 2 maybe, head first into the ceiling fan.

One game my brother and I played was with these big rubber tubing things you'll see people use in the gym, basically a HUGE rubber band with handles on either end. My mom used these for working out and stuff. My brother and I figured out a *fantastic* game to play. 1. each person grabs a handle and we see how far we can stretch it 2. first person to let go loses

Naturally this lead to plastic handles flying across the room and smacking people in the face.

Moral of the story if you are a parent: if its something that could be used to cause any damage at all, its probably something that should be locked up and hidden.

 

[Owly055]

The first mistake most people make in parenting is in the bedroom when they failed to or decided not to use birth control.......... After that it's down hill.


H.W.

 

[beernbourbon]

if its something that could be used to cause any damage at all, its probably something that should be locked up and hidden.

Or given as a present when hanging out with their favorite Uncle Ark, and definitely taken home with them when they leave.

 

[watermelon83]

Heck of a legacy. How merciless will your children be 20 years hence at the Thanksgiving table?

I have, and will continue to, pray daily they forget.

 

[SnakeRidge]

1. After I dry off my 4 year old son from his tubby, I taught him to run around the house naked and tell anyone who'll listen "Don't act like you're not impressed." He's to say it whenever he's naked. It's pretty damn funny!

2. Whenever he hears the words "tattle" or "tattle tale" he yells "Snitches get stiches."

3. My son's middle name is Danger.




At some point, this is all going to backfire on me...

I taught my 3 yo niece to say "no pants, no problem!" Yeah, sis in law didn't appreciate it much

 

[Billy-Klubb]

at the beginning of our 7 y/o's first grade year, they were talking about different jobs. the teacher asked the class if they knew what police officers do. my boy said loud & proud, "Nothing. They just eat doughnuts." now that's a thing when we see cops driving: they're going for doughnuts.

 

[ButcherBoy]

I have, and will continue to, pray daily they forget.

My youngest is 22, oldest 33. My guess is they won't forget, but lots of prayer certainly can't hurt!

 

[myelo]

When my oldest was a toddler there were a lot of fun games we would play. One was "human cannonball". I don't need to go into details other than to say we only did this when mom wasn't home. One time we had a substantial elevation miscalculation involving a ceiling fan.

Another fun game: I would lift up her shirt, start rubbing her belly and say "Fat belly! Fat belly!" She would crack up.

One day her and mom were in line at the grocery store check out. Behind them was this really fat guy with a T-shirt that came only about 2/3 the way down his enormous gut. My 3-year-old daughter turned around and started rubbing his belly, laughing and saying "Fat belly! Fat belly!"

 

[gratus fermentatio]

Another fun game: I would lift up her shirt, start rubbing her belly and say "Fat belly! Fat belly!" She would crack up.

One day her and mom were in line at the grocery store check out. Behind them was this really fat guy with a T-shirt that came only about 2/3 the way down his enormous gut. My 3-year-old daughter turned around and started rubbing his belly, laughing and saying "Fat belly! Fat belly!"

Now that's funny!
Regards, GF.