How to dolphin-proof my bird table?

[Laughing_Gnome_Invisible]

Wifey came back from garage sale shopping with a very nice bird table. It has a canti-lever operated squirrel confusing device that is fairly, if no completely awesome.....If I actually ever had a squirrel problem, this would be the device to beat those little bastards!

It soon occurred to me, that the person capable of devising such a mechanism would obviously posess a brain larger than than that of a squirrel. It the also occurred to me, after watching the discovery channel, that dolphins have much larger brains than squirrels......This led me to wonder how big was the brain of the squirrel-proof bird feeder inventor!? If his brain was lager than a squirrel's, yet smaller than a dolphin's, what is the level of protection for my bird seed? I am getting increasingly worried that dolphins will steal food intended for the birds.

I know, I hear some you saying "But dolphins only eat fish" Well, the problem is, that I feed ALL wild birds regardless of cuteness. Among the regular seeds and stuff, I always include some herring for the gannets, and sometimes some squashed raccoon for the crows......This is the point, I ONLY want this food for the birds! NO fooking dolphins!

I had thought of some kind of laser device that could maybe slice the heads off dolphins, but I searched on the internet, and, apparently, Amazon does not provide such a device. I even emailed Steven Hawking about my dilemma, and he just replied with a phone call using some kind of impersonal computer generated answering service (I had expected better of him)

All tips on stopping the dolphins getting my bird food are greatly appreciated. Any tips on how to get semen out of an electrical outlet would be useful too.

 

[dataz722]

You need sharks with frickin lasers mounted on their fricken heads.

 

[shecky]

I'm gonna guess that dolphins are smart enough not to go to Ohio in the first place. Your worries are unfounded.

 

[Laughing_Gnome_Invisible]

I'm gonna guess that dolphins are smart enough not to go to Ohio in the first place. Your worries are unfounded.

There have to be stupid dolphins as well as smart ones. Yeah, I know that all the smart dolphins are in NY......You are simply compounding my fears now!


How do I guard my bird seed from retarded dolphins?

 

[dataz722]

How retarded? Their brains might then be smaller than the person that invented the table so it would protect against them too.

 

[Laughing_Gnome_Invisible]

How retarded? Their brains might then be smaller than the person that invented the table so it would protect against them too.

That's just a possibility. Frankly, data, I was hoping that you would be the guy to tell me how to remove semen from an electrical outlet. I'm dissapointed in you!

 

[dataz722]

That's just a possibility. Frankly, data, I was hoping that you would be the guy to tell me how to remove semen from an electrical outlet. I'm dissapointed in you!

Well you never asked.

 

[Boerderij_Kabouter]

I think we can solve both your problems with one simple addition to your front lawn.

All you need is a sign for your front lawn that says:

Free fish paste
Dolphins welcome
inquire within
p.s.- children on lawn will be kidnapped for ransom

Then kindly show the dolphins to your semen filled outlets... In my experience it takes at least 4-5 dolphins to clean out a wall outlet filled with semen. Also, you can feed your fish with the dead dolphins.

I know it is a temporary fix, but you could always fill more outlets...

 

[HBHoss]

I think you're on to something here. I could never prove it but I know it's the dolphins stealing the bird seed and your suspicion just proves I'm on the right track. I can hear the dolphins at night (only when watching Discovery channel) but I've yet to catch them in the act. Once you figure out a way to stop them, let me know because I haven't found a way yet.
As for your giz and friz issue with the electrical socket, your on your own mate!

 

[Laughing_Gnome_Invisible]

Along the lines of "I never expected the Spanish inquisition!'

May I just say "Hell, I never expected the entire Tap Room!"

 

[lschiavo]

For the dolphins, I would try surrounding the bird area with a tuna net.

For the outlets, get some of this:

 

[bob1852]

well, how can I bird-proof my dolphin pool?????

 

[Laughing_Gnome_Invisible]

For the dolphins, I would try surrounding the bird area with a tuna net.

For the outlets, get some of this:

Finally!! Someone is being helpful! I was trying to avoid the Japanese dolphin bloodbaths, but choking the bastards slowly sits fine with me.

 

[HBHoss]

Finally!! Someone is being helpful! I was trying to avoid the Japanese dolphin bloodbaths, but choking the bastards slowly sits fine with me.

I tried the nets but then the Platypuseseses, Platypusies, them four legged billed things, kept getting caught in it.

 

[Boerderij_Kabouter]

Platypuseseses, Platypusies

plati****s?

 

[Laughing_Gnome_Invisible]

I tried the nets but then the Platypuseseses, Platypusies, them four legged billed things, kept getting caught in it.[/QUOTE

Us people in showbiz call that entertainment.


PETA calls it cruelty, but they have no idea how funny it is when Daffy Duck gets his bill knocked around to the other side of his head.

 

[conpewter]

Perhaps a letter to Flipper for advice? He has turned against his own kind.

So long, and thanks for all the fish!

 

[Julohan]

You could contract some Japanese fishermen.

 

[Fyxen]

Strategically placed cans of albacore tuna might do it as a scare tactic...I'm pretty sure they have a least some dolphin in them.

Of course, if you're only getting retarded dolphins, they're illiterate and couldn't read the labels anyway. Foiled again!

 

[Josh]

Obviously, you need to dig a large hole and bury the table. THEN, you leave bird-sized shovels laying around. The dolphins will never think to bring shovels, and the bird-sized shovel will do them no good. The birds, in turn (tern), CAN retrieve the food and learn a life lesson (all good things require digging...the squirrels already know this, of course, but that's where the squirrel-repelling aspect of the table comes back in to play)

 

[gratus fermentatio]

Cover the whole thing in crude oil, they really hate that stuff... And maybe pee in a circle all round it, that'll mark it as "your" territory, but the birds will ignore it since they can fly over it; the dolphins have to smell it cuz they have to flop along on the ground to get there in the 1st place. And put up a little sign saying that the squirrelproofing is sponsored by dolphins, that way even the squirrels will be hostile towards them.

 

[conpewter]

Cover the whole thing in crude oil, they really hate that stuff... And maybe pee in a circle all round it, that'll mark it as "your" territory, but the birds will ignore it since they can fly over it; the dolphins have to smell it cuz they have to flop along on the ground to get there in the 1st place. And put up a little sign saying that the squirrelproofing is sponsored by dolphins, that way even the squirrels will be hostile towards them.

Ah I really like turning the squirrels against the dolphins, perhaps the table could spray any large mammals with peanut butter as they come close, thus being devoured by squirrels.

 

[texmedic49]

Sounds like someone needs more to keep them busy...