Favorite Comedians - Favorite Jokes

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SmokeNbrew

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Mitch Hedberg--

- I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait."
- My girl works at Hooters, in the kitchen.

Zach Galifianakis--

- Hello, my name is Zach Galifianakis, and I hope I'm saying that right.
- My brother has ADD, which is weird because he drives a Ford Focus. I told my brother that joke but he didn't laugh because he got distracted by my shoe strings.
- Four years ago on this very day I tried to take my own life. And I said, "Zach, do it in front of your co-workers and end the misery." I don't know how many of you ever tried to jump off of a Pizza Hut, but you'll just get a sprained ankle out of the deal. Then you'll have to go back inside, and serve crazy bread.
- Do you remember that kid that had sex with his high school teacher? I was reading online that he died today. He died from hi-fiveing.
- You know you're an alcoholic when the bartender knows your name... and you've never been to that bar before.
 
Louie CK right now has got to take it for me. Old, fat, divorced, hilarious. Stand up is out of this world funny, was the best SNL host in recent memory and killed it on Leno.

Pretty much killed it for me

And the more social commentary [ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=derzWWYf3-w"]like on the Leno interview [/ame]is also great.
 
Last edited by a moderator:
I like the Zach Galifianakis joke:

"When you look like me it's really difficult to get a table for one at Chucky Cheese"
 
Mitch Hedberg is probably my favorite. 2 of my favorite jokes of his

"An escalator can never break--it can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience. We apologize for the fact that you can still get up there.""

"I angered the clerk in a clothing shop today. She asked me what size I was and I said actual, because I am not to scale."

I'm also a big fan of Demetri Martin,

“Saying ‘I’m sorry’ is the same as saying ‘I apologize.’ Except at a funeral.”

"A quick way to start a conversation is to say something like ‘What’s your favorite color?’ A quick way to end a conversation is to say something like, ‘What’s your favorite color…person?’”

Also a big fan of Louis CK who's been mentioned a lot

"There's a reason it's called 'girls gone wild' and not 'women gone wild'. When girls go wild, they show their tits. When women go wild, they kill men and drown their kids in a tub."

"I'm buying a Cinnabon...at the airport...I arrived at. You understand why that's extra disgusting, right?. Because when you're at the airport you're leaving from you can say "Oh, I gotta eat. I need some food, because I might be trapped in the sky forever so I should eat right now." But I've landed. The trip is over. I'm 20 minutes from my house where I got bananas and apples and ****. And I'm sitting on my luggage just ****in eating a Cinnabon with a fork and knife.""

Also a fan of others like Kat Williams, Kevin Hart, Ron White, and many more but they're not my favorites, I just like catching their specials.
 
Both Mitch and Demitri are freaking awesome. I have a couple Mitch Hedberg CD's. From Mitch's first CD:

"The only way I could get one of my CD's into a store before was to bring it in and leave it there". Of course it's always funnier when you read it the way Mitch would have said it. Brian Regan's "I walked on the Moon" sketch is really funny. I saw Brian live once and it was totally hilarious.
 
This thread made me youtube some George Carlin and drink a home brew.

A master of words and F'ing hilarious - despite his political affiliation.
 
Right now I'm totally digging some stand up. But I'm at work. :(

I loved Eddie Murphy, Rodney Dangerfield, Richard Pryor. I grew up in the 80s...

One of my favorites is Emo Philips.

I should write myself a note to queue up some of these other guys you've mentioned. I've only seen bits and pieces of their stuff.
 
Mitch is hilarious. One of my favorites: "This shirt is dry clean only, which means it's dirty."
 
Some others I like but haven't been mentioned. I'm obviously leaving out what I'd consider the legends, liek Pryor, Carlin, etc. Plus the ones I've mentioned before

Lewis Black


" In my lifetime, we've gone from Eisenhower to George W. Bush. We've gone from John F. Kennedy to Al Gore. If this is evolution, I believe that in 12 years, we'll be voting for plants."

" There’s no such thing as soy milk. It’s soy juice. But they couldn’t sell soy juice, so they called it soy milk. Because anytime you say soy juice, you actually start to gag… We all know there’s no soy milk? Because there’s no soy titty, is there?"

Denis Leary (though you wouldn't realize it since he's almost always in serious movies now)

"Not eating meat is a decision, eating meat is an instinct."

"Racism isn't born, folks, it's taught. I have a two-year-old son. You know what he hates? Naps! End of list."

Bill Hicks

"A lot of Christians wear crosses around their necks. Do you think when Jesus comes back he ever wants to see a ****in' cross? It's kind of like going up to Jackie Onassis with a rifle pendant on."

“If you don't think drugs have done good things for us, then take all of your records, tapes and CDs and burn them. Cause you know what? The musicians that made all that great music that's enhanced your lives throughout the years? Real ****ing high on drugs. The Beatles were so ****in' high they let Ringo sing a few songs."

And of course I can't believe I forgot Greg Giraldo. He'll always be known for his roasts but his standup was golden.

"The Virgin Mary...We have a whole religion based on a woman who really stuck to her story."

" Look at the insane things the Jews believe. The Jews believe that Barbra Streisand is worth $1,000 bucks a ticket."

"Terrorism is obviously on everybody's mind. The other day my son says to me, 'Daddy, how come the bad men hate us?' How sad is that? I actually got tears in my eyes -- because he's 18. What kind of a moron am I raising?"

" Even before the kids are born, you've go to make these decisions. If it's a boy, do we get him circumcised? If it's a girl, do we keep her?"

"I read recently that 50% of American adults don't know who Madeleine Albright is. Can you believe that? She was so good on 'Murder, She Wrote.'"

"I saw one of those giant Hummer cars with handicapped tags on it. I thought, 'Wow, I never realized that being an a**hole was technically a handicap.'"

"The Japanese scientists just found a 25,000-year-old mammoth in the ice in Siberia, and they're about to clone it... You think the Japanese of all people would want nothing to do with prehistoric animals after what happened with Godzilla."

"'The internet's a creepy thing, especially if you have kids. It says something very creepy about the fact that I use the same machine to masturbate with as I use to teach my kid the alphabet."

It's sad he's gone, he never got the recognition he deserved as a comic.
 
Mitch is great

I had a parrot, the parrot talked but it did not say I'm hungry, so it died.

I have a koala infestation, it is the cutest infestation ever.

And of course no one will ever be better that George Carlin, especially his pointless expressions.

There's too much of this prefix pre-. pre the pre that place the pizza in a preheated oven. There are only two states an oven can be in, hatred out untreated. Pre heated is a meaningless F***ing term
 
Eddie Murphy Delirious was sooo funny! I'll also put in a word for a lesser known comic named Gary Gulman. His sketches on grapes and one on cookies is hilarious!

Another Mitch quote:
"P.S....this is how the alphabet would look if Q and R were eliminated!"
 
What happens if you put the batteries in the Energizer rabbit in backwards? He keeps coming and coming and coming.
 
Tacky joke of the day: ask a person of the gender you find attractive and ask them, "Do you know the difference between oral sex and a Chef's salad?" When they respond, "No", say "Great, let's do lunch."
 
Kyle Kinane is great. More 5-10 minute stories, than one liners.

Christopher Titus is also hilarious.
 
Rodney Dangerfield - My doctor's got me on the Viagra and prune juice diet. I don't know if I'm coming or going.



Whenever I hear about someone naming their son Kyptyn or something, I think of George Carlin's "Guys named Todd" bit - "Where the f*** are all these goofy f***ing boys' names coming from?! ... I bet you anything that ten times out of ten Nicky, Vinnie and Tony would beat the s*** out of Todd, Kyle and Tucker."


ETA: just noticed this is a necrothread. [emoji51]
 
Galek said:
Kyle Kinane is great. More 5-10 minute stories, than one liners.

Christopher Titus is also hilarious.
Click to expand...

Titus is one of my favorites. He's IMHO one of the best storytellers since Cosby. And Titus is one of those who will tell stories that are real, and tragic, or maybe even depressing, and you're sitting there laughing your *** off...

I'm a big Doug Stanhope fan too...
 

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