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I'm reading "Oh Crap! Potty Training" in prep to train my little girl. Also, wrangling my little girl while the wife attempts to work from home, making client calls and attend virtual meetings with a loud toddler in the background.

You could have a bad seal on your bucket lid. I'd just take a look inside to see what's happening.

I'm so confused

I use a giant whisk. It's awesome.

If you tell us your recipe and such maybe we can help better but since you added fruit puree you've got some unfermented or unfermentable sugars that are keeping the gravity high. It probably needs more time to ferment out further but I wouldn't expect much. A starting gravity of 8 Brix isn't...

Did you use an online calculator to figure that out? What were the original and final Brix that you measured?

I know White Labs and Wyeast both add notes to yeast descriptions when they need a good diacetyl rest but for most traditional strains of yeast a short rest is commonly used. Kveik strains as a whole do not usually produce any diacetyl or much else and don't usually need the same resting time.

Brewed 2.5 gallons of what I've dubbed "Quarantine Kolsch" in honor of my family's self-quarantine.

I suspect excess glycerol production. I think your Voss may have either mutated or some fermenting condition is causing excess production. I'd go back to your 2nd-gen slurry or just buy a new pack and try again to see if it goes away.

You won't regret it. There's a reason the Cereal Killer is so popular.

Just to throw a child-sized wrench in the discussion, I'm resisting the urge to keg for two reasons: I have a small adorable child who I parent full-time and go to the gym regularly. This has made me a light-weight drinker who limits himself to one bottle of beer a day. Add on my fragile...

+1 for the cereal killer. Best bang for your buck.

Bottled some beer just so I would stop looking at the news today. Ended up spilling 1/3 of my fermenter on the floor so I guess it's just bad everywhere!

I'm pretty sure if StarSan was effective, it would be on this list of effective disinfectants. A 2% chlorine bleach solution is recommended if you don't have access to disinfectants such as those on the list or anything labeled and effective against rhinovirus or human coronavirus...

Lol, same here. Crisper drawer full of vials of yeast and agar plates/slants and wife complaining about hops and occupying freezer space. At least I no longer have mason jars of yeast taking up half a shelf!

Another vote for kolsch. I prefer Wyeast 2565, some prefer using White Labs 029. Either way, if you can keep your beer at 65°F you'll have some super tasty pseudo-lager.

If you end up OVERchilling your wort, (assuming it's hooked up to a sink) you can also run some hot water through the immersion chiller it to bring it back up to pitching temp!

Using quality malt, learning about malt flavors and gaining more solid knowledge of recipe design made my beers sooooooooo much better.

As mentioned, How to Brew, 4th edition is a must-read for all new brewers. For a lot of SOLID recipes to start brewing with to get a handle on different styles and whatnot, Brewing Classic Styles is very hard to beat. All recipes are in both extract and all-grain so anyone can brew them...