Search results

Old age is a real thing... Last night I was in bed for 20 minutes when I heard the pizza guy cough. Then I remembered I came to my room for my wallet.

I'm so thankful they taught us about parallelograms in school instead of teaching us how to do taxes. It's coming in super handy this parallelogram season.

I just fired myself from cleaning my house. I don't like my attitude, and I caught myself drinking on the job.

I like to think that I am a good person, but the way I react to people driving slowly in the left lane would definitely suggest otherwise.

Her: I was up with the baby until 4 am last night. Him: It's probably not a good idea to keep the baby up that late.

When the cashier called out my order #867, I yelled out 5309. Nobody laughed. Then I felt old and ate my burger alone.

Beer & Math... Mike drinks 2 beers. He then drinks another 2 beers. What does Mike have now? HAPPINESS! Mike has freakin' happiness.

Age 12: fell off bike at high speed onto gravel road and still biked 5 miles home. Age 50: used wrong pillow and back was out for 2 days.

Mentally I am 26, humor wise I am 12, but physically I'm pretty sure I fought in the Civil War.

Today I would have been 2 years sober... ...if I had quit drinking 2 years ago today. But hey, cheers to knowing what could've been!

If you lose your Khakis in Texas, it means you can't find your pants. If you lose your Khakis in Boston, it means you can't start your car.

If you wait long enough to cook dinner, everyone will eat cereal. Follow me for more recipes.

Wife: Sarcasm doesn't get you anywhere. Me: Well, it got me to the Sarcasm World Championship in Peru in '98. Wife: Really? Me: No.

Gonna give this a shot soon and looking for advice. I can put together a good oatmeal stout recipe but curious if anyone has direct experience getting a good apple pie flavor in there. I'v read thru numerous posts and looked at bunches of recipes but so far non where the poster said if it was...

Any time I use AI, I always say thank you at the end. When the robots take over the world, I want to be remembered as one of the nice humans.

Is it wrong to ask someone with an eye patch, "Was it all fun and games up to that point?"

The fact that there's a Highway to Hell but only a Stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipate traffic numbers.

Me: Hi, my name is Matt. AAA: Sir, this is triple A. Me: I know. I'm here to explain why my car is in the lake.

We do not throw away perfectly good food in our house. We put it in a Tupperware container until it goes bad - then we throw it away.

I accidentally used my wife's fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here.