Stupid Joke Thread!

[balrog]

My friend works for the FBI.
He spends all day online pretending to be a 12 yr old girl, chatting with predators.

I have no idea what he does for the FBI.

 

[balrog]

 

[balrog]

I was in the bathroom the other day and my wife stepped out of shower. She was right there, naked, in front of me. And as she bent down to dry her feet, I said, "Oh yeah....I sure wish I could still bend over like that."

 

[balrog]

Teenager Xmas texts.

What's the shed with the Jesus action figures called?

Can you buy some more Christmas milk?

When is Festivus?

 

[BongoYodeler]

 

[homebeerbrewer]

What’s the difference between me and Superman?

Superman has super vision.
I require supervision.

 

[balrog]

When Googling his name, the most important letter to remember to use is the "R"
in Gary Oldman.

 

[homebeerbrewer]

When life gives you lemons, eat them all so you don’t get scurvy.

 

[balrog]

How to cook crack and clean crab:

Step one: Use commas.

 

[balrog]

Astronauts use Linux.

You can’t open windows in space.

 

[balrog]

Not to brag or anything, but I just entered a room and remembered why I went in there.


It’s just the bathroom, but I’m counting it as a win.

 

[Broothru]

Not to brag or anything, but I just entered a room and remembered why I went in there.


It’s just the bathroom, but I’m counting it as a win.

I’m makin’ it to the bathroom, but sometimes I’m still there after :15 minutes. Haven’t forgotten why I’m there, but sometimes things take a bit more time than they used to.

Gettin’ old ain’t for wimps! As long as you remember the sequence, “zippers down, then zippers up,” you’ve won half the battle.

 

[BongoYodeler]

As long as you remember the sequence, “zippers down, then zippers up,” you’ve won half the battle.

I think you left out one important step!!

 

[Closet Fermenter]

I think you left out one important step!!

I would say TWO important steps: 1) take it out, and the very most important step before zipping up, put it back in!

 

[Agent]

Not to brag or anything, but I just entered a room and remembered why I went in there.


It’s just the bathroom, but I’m counting it as a win.

Old man goes to the hospital. He's complaining about his regularity.

Doctor asks how often he goes.

"Every morning around 6" says the old man

Doctor says "That certainly doesn't seem like a problem!"

Old man replies "It is when I wake up at 7!"

 

[BongoYodeler]

I would say TWO important steps: 1) take it out, and the very most important step before zipping up, put it back in!

Fair point.

 

[balrog]

 

[balrog]

How much space do you need for growing fungi?

As mushroom as possible.

 

[Broken Crow]

How much space do you need for growing fungi?

As mushroom as possible.

 

[balrog]

Made the woodworker in me chuckle.

 

[Broothru]

Where’s the chimney? Party Foul!

 

[doug293cz]

Where’s the chimney? Party Foul!

Looks like it's on the far end of the house, but the picture is not sharp enough to be sure.

Brew on

 

[homebeerbrewer]

What rock group has 4 men who don’t sing?

Mount Rushmore.

 

[ba-brewer]

^The true founding fathers of rock.

 

[balrog]

 

[BongoYodeler]

I used to work as a dolphin interpreter. The pay wasn't good but I eeeked out a living.

 

[BongoYodeler]

Years ago I heard that a banana a day helps cleanse the colon, so I made that part of my daily routine. I was shocked recently to find out you're supposed to eat the banana!!

 

[balrog]

 

[Agent]

 

[homebeerbrewer]

We decided we should put a big electric fence around our property.

Our neighbor is dead against it.

 

[homebeerbrewer]

How do you know if Santa Clause is epileptic?

He seizures when you’re sleeping.

 

[homebeerbrewer]

What’s the most depressing thing for a lover to get on Christmas morning?

A sweater, instead of a screamer or a moaner.

 

[homebeerbrewer]

What do you call a fly when you cut it’s wings off?

A walk.

 

[homebeerbrewer]

What do you call Teddy Swims if you cut his arms off?

Teddy Sinks.

 

[Agent]

What do you call an armless, legless man tossed into the sea?

Bob.

 

[scrap iron]

How do you get a one armed man out of a tree. Wave at him. [sorry, old dad joke]

 

[homebeerbrewer]

What do you call a guy who lost his right hand?

Lefty.

Where do you get Lefty a Christmas present?

A second hand store.

 

[Closet Fermenter]

What do you call a fly when you cut it’s wings off?

A walk.

…and remember, “a bird can fly, but a fly can’t bird!”

 

[Closet Fermenter]

“ Time flies like an arrow.”

“Fruit flies like a banana.”

 

[balrog]

“ Time flies like an arrow.”

“Fruit flies like a banana.”

And "Time keeps on slippin slippin slippin, into the future"