Stupid Joke Thread!

[3 Dawg Night]

My son's favorite:

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl using the bathroom?

The pee is silent.

 

[BongoYodeler]

 

[Sailingeric]

The doctor told me my wife didn’t make it and handed me a newborn baby…​

I gave it back and told him to give me the one my wife did make.

 

[balrog]

Police officer pulls over a speeding car. The Officer says, " Our patrol helicopter clocked you at 80 mph. sir."
The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says sweetly, "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Dammit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut."
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says," Now dear you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU SHUT THE HELL UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
"Oh heavens no, officer. Only when he's been drinking."

 

[balrog]

Did you know that people eat more bananas than monkeys?


Oh yeah. When's the last time you saw a person eat a monkey?


[except of course: monkey meat is common in bush meat stalls in the Democratic Republic of the Congo and Central Africa in general, with red-tailed and crowned guenons, baboons and agile mangabeys being the most common]

 

[ncbrewer]

[except of course: monkey meat is common in bush meat stalls in the Democratic Republic of the Congo and Central Africa in general, with red-tailed and crowned guenons, baboons and agile mangabeys being the most common]

Thanks for inserting something educational into the Stupid Joke Thread. I can rationalize that I'm not wasting my time here.

 

[day_trippr]

That'll pass...

 

[soccerdad]

Bush meat stalls ... hmmm, don't the goats look like dogs ???

 

[balrog]

Someone ripped the 5th month from my calendar.




I'm dismayed.

 

[bracconiere]

Someone ripped the 5th month from my calendar.




I'm dismayed.

at least they were nice, and didn't leave you with a missing member!

 

[Sailingeric]

So there I was this afternoon, sitting and drinking beer in my slippers, and I thought to myself..​

I'll have to start cleaning a few glasses around here..

 

[day_trippr]

 

[3 Dawg Night]

View attachment 811607

May I direct you to "how about a meme generator thread"?

 

[day_trippr]

"Why not both?"

Cheers!

 

[pvtpublic]

"Why not both?"

Cheers!

A stupid meme joke generator thread

 

[bracconiere]

A stupid meme joke generator thread

well there's already enough of those! how about a serious life lesson, share it as a meme thread? lol

 

[ehall]

somehow I get the feeling you would dominate that one...

 

[bracconiere]

somehow I get the feeling you would dominate that one...

all i know how to do is balance a check book, eat right, and make my own drugs.....

 

[BongoYodeler]

I opened the overhead kitchen cabinet and a large jar of high strength Omega 3 capsules fell on my head..Luckily i only sustained super fish oil injuries!

 

[BongoYodeler]

Me in the restaurant: I can't decide what to have.

Waiter: What about the duck?

Duck: I'll have the lasagna.

 

[BongoYodeler]

Guy walks into a bar dressed quite nicely and orders three shots of whiskey. He drinks each separately and leaves.

Next week the guy comes back in at the same time and orders three shots of whiskey. The bartender asks him why he doesn’t just get one large drink. The guy says his two brothers are in the military and he was drinking for them too.

A week later the same guy comes in and orders two shots. The bartender hesitates and then says he’s sorry to ask but he hopes something didn’t happen to one of his brothers. The guy replies, “No my brothers are fine, I just quit drinking.”

 

[balrog]

My neighbor is a lovely 90 yr old man, suffering a little Alzheimers. Trouble is, he knocks on my door every single day at 9am asking where his wife is. I have to explain, every single day, that she died years ago. Every day this goes on. I've thought about not answering the door. I've thought about moving.

But it's worth it just to see the big ole smile on his face when he finds out she's gone.

 

[Brooothru]

My neighbor is a lovely 90 yr old man, suffering a little Alzheimers. Trouble is, he knocks on my door every single day at 9am asking where his wife is. I have to explain, every single day, that she died years ago. Every day this goes on. I've thought about not answering the door. I've thought about moving.

But it's worth it just to see the big ole smile on his face when he finds out she's gone.

”I’m sure gonna’ miss her, when I get home…”

 

[bleme]

 

[betarhoalphadelta]

The Detroit Lions had put together what they felt like was a great team with all the pieces in place to win a championship the next season. They only lacked a quarterback that could lead them to victory. After failing to find anyone to sign or trade for, one of the scouts set out to travel the world to find a diamond in the rough who could be their guy.

He finally found himself in Afghanistan where he came across a young freedom fighter with impressive physical traits and leadership qualities. He watched as the young man pulled the pin from a grenade and threw it, and thought to himself "Wow, this guy has an amazing arm.....this is our guy." So he signed the young man to be the Detroit Lions new quarterback.

The following season, the Lions did indeed win the SuperBowl, and the young man called up his mother and said "Mom, aren't you proud of me? I won a SuperBowl!"

His mother bitterly responded "No, I'm not proud of you, and I don't care anything about that."

He said "But mom, what we've done is a great accomplishment. Why aren't you happy for me?"

She said "Because your father was injured by the constant violence. My sons are afraid to go out because of all the shooting and stabbing. My daughters can't go out for fear of being accosted. There is crime, poverty, disease, and corruption everywhere." She paused, and then said, "I will never, ever forgive you for moving us to Detroit."

 

[balrog]

There's a article about how hugging someone for longer than 20 seconds really reduces your stress levels.

Turns out, only if you know them.

 

[ncbrewer]

She paused, and then said, "I will never, ever forgive you for moving us to Detroit."

A friend who had his career in the auto industry told me "You know the best view of Detroit? ... in your rear view mirror."

 

[Brooothru]

A friend who had his career in the auto industry told me "You know the best view of Detroit? ... in your rear view mirror."

“Lions and Tigers and Bears. Oh My!”

Well, maybe not bears. In the industry we used to call it “De Toilet”, or “ the Mistake by the Lake.” But actually Motown has a lot to offer in the surrounding ’burbs. Ann Arbor and U. of M are nearby. And anyone interested in Industry and Technology owes it to themselves to visit the Ford Museum. The ‘Ford’ can take on a bit of a theme park atmosphere, but the museum itself has many interesting and unique exhibits. Well worth the trip.

 

[BongoYodeler]

Late, but a little Valentine's Day humor

A guy walks to the post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on pink envelopes with hearts. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over.

His curiosity, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he doing.

Says, "I'm sending out one thousand Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies

 

[balrog]

If Freddie Mercury only knew the timeliness of his lyrics...

 

[balrog]

 

[balrog]

Recent studies have shown that cats who carry around a bit of extra weight last longer than

the vets who mention it.

 

[balrog]

 

[bleme]

 

[balrog]

My ex had a parakeet. That thing never shut up.


Neither did the bird.

 

[balrog]

Dalmatians can never play hide and seek.


They’re always spotted.

 

[balrog]

I went to the paint store today to get thinner.


It didn't work.

 

[Sailingeric]

I made a couple of guys at Starbucks mad today because I called them hipsters.​

Apparently “conjoined twins” is the proper thing to say.

 

[balrog]

I just found out there's a clinical name for when you cannot sleep, but just stay up eating.


Insom-nom-nom-nom-nia

 

[balrog]

My penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records.


But then the Librarian asked me to take it out.