Stupid Joke Thread!

[scrap iron]

“An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a pub in Belfast. Each man orders a pint of Guinness.

After the pints have been poured and placed on the bar, the men notice that each has a fly floating inside.

The Englishman gags and leaves the pub. The Scot reaches in and picks the wasp out.

The Irishman reaches in, picks the fly out, holds it up close to his face and shouts, “Spit it out you thieving bastard.””

 

[Brooothru]

Jokes and such for St. Patrick's Day
Bring them on we Irish can take it.

One Irish village had a new resident move in. He stopped into the local pub and ordered three beers, and subsequently had the same order every time he visited. Finally, the bartender asked him why he kept making that particular order. The man explained that he has two brothers, one of whom moved to America and the other to Australia, and that they agreed that every time they ordered a beer, they would make it three, as a way of keeping up the family bond.



That answer was delightfully received, and he became known throughout town as "the man who orders three beers".



After a few months, he stops into the same pub and orders... two beers. A hush immediately came over the place. The bartender, collecting himself, brought himself to sadly pour the beers, served them to the man, and offered his condolences.



"Condolences?" the man queried.



"Well, when you only ordered two beers, I kind of feared..."



The man takes a sip and replies, "You'll be happy to know that me brothers are alive and well. It's just that I meself have decided to give up drinking for Lent."

True story. A decade or two ago, I decided that for the discipline of Lent I would forego the consumption of cereal malt beverages after hearing this humorous story.

Now I grew up in a family of four children, three of which were female. After a few weeks of alcohol abstinence, it occurred to me that somewhere in this universe (or perhaps some parallel one) I too might have a long lost brother. So, remembering this story, I found solace in toasting my missing male sibling. Since that day, it has helped me through the annual forty days of sacrifice.

 

[BongoYodeler]

 

[Brooothru]

Can’t get this song outta’ my head today. Seems appropriate for the day. You’ll thank (or like my wife) hate me later.

https://www.google.com/gasearch?q=Irish Rovers The Unicorn Song&source=sh/x/gs/m2/5

 

[balrog]

 

[BongoYodeler]

 

[balrog]

I surveyed 1100 women about what their favorite shampoo was.

I got nearly 100% response of

“Get the *#@$* out of my shower!”

 

[balrog]

The number of bottles of whiskey I purchase is nothing in comparison to the number of bottles of whiskey I do not purchase.

Let’s keep some perspective, mm-kay?

 

[balrog]

I recently did some financial planning, and it turns out that I can retire at age 97 and live comfortably for about 11 minutes.

 

[BongoYodeler]

 

[balrog]

Once you lick the frosting off a cupcake, it becomes a muffin, and muffins are healthy.

Follow me for more health tips.

 

[balrog]

 

[BongoYodeler]

 

[balrog]

My new book "The Clock" has finally been published.

It's about time.

 

[balrog]

 

[Brooothru]

View attachment 844969

You’re missing the soundtrack CD to the movie, “Honeysuckle Rose”, with Willie Nelson singing “On the Road Again.”

 

[tracer bullet]

There's a movie that could be incorporated as well. Maybe the books are on a road in a scene from it.

 

[BeerAndTele]

Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar.

You can't tell me that's just a coincidence.

 

[BeerAndTele]

Over the weekend, I told my wife that I wanted to be cremated.

She made an appointment for Thursday.

 

[balrog]

 

[BeerAndTele]

A buddy of mine at work is diabetic. He recently lost a few toes on his right foot. It was sad.
Worse yet, his wife threatened to divorce him. I asked why, and he said, "she's lack-toes intolerant."

 

[balrog]

A buddy of mine at work is diabetic. He recently lost a few toes on his right foot. It was sad.
Worse yet, his wife threatened to divorce him. I asked why, and he said, "she's lack-toes intolerant."

Oh God!

 

[BongoYodeler]

 

[Brooothru]

View attachment 846023

Now THAT’S funny!

 

[homebeerbrewer]

They used to say you can look at the eclipse through a colander. I tried it, but all I did was strain my eyes.

 

[Rish]

What is the best way to secure your bagels?

Put lox on them.

 

[BongoYodeler]

Who Said Cemeteries Aren't Funny! Many are hilarious!
Old Tombstone Inscriptions: some great ones!


Harry Edsel Smith of Albany , New York :
Born 1903--Died 1942.
"Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down.
It was."

In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
"Here lies an Atheist, all dressed up....
and no place to go."

On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:
"Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102.
Only the good die young."

In a London cemetery:
"Here lies Ann Mann, who lived an old maid...
but died an old Mann. Dec. 8, 1767

In a Ribbesford, England cemetery:
" Anna Wallace...
The children of Israel wanted bread,
And the Lord sent them manna.
Clark Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.

In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:
"Here lies Johnny Yeast.
Pardon him for not rising."

In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania cemetery:
"Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake,
Stepped on the gas instead of the brake.."

In a Silver City, Nevada cemetery:
"Here lays The Kid,
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger,
But slow on the draw."

A lawyer's epitaph in England :
"Sir John Strange.
Here lies an honest lawyer,
and that is Strange."

John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne,
England cemetery:
"Reader, if cash thou art in want of any,....
Dig 6 feet deep and thou wilt find a Penny."

In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England :
On the 22nd of June,... "Jonathan Fiddle went out of tune."

Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont:
"Here lies the body of our Anna,
Done to death by a banana.
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,
But the skin of the thing that made her go."

On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket, Massachusetts:
"Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod,
Pease shelled out and went to God."

In a cemetery in England :
"Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I.
As I am now, so shall you be,
Remember this and follow me."
To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:
"To follow you I'll not consent,
Until I know which way you went."

 

[balrog]

Tickles my grammar nazi bone—

My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.

 

[balrog]

As a Joseph, I approve this message.

 

[Rish]

The female iguana never laid any fertilized eggs. Apparently, her mate is suffering from a reptile dysfunction.

 

[homebeerbrewer]

Why would someone steal the batteries out of my calculator? It doesn’t add up.

 

[balrog]

 

[day_trippr]

Being out in the boonies a long way from Dot Ave it took me a minute to sound that one out

 

[pvtpublic]

That's wicked awesome kid