"Saying it in your outside voice" Tips for new members/venting and/or entertainment for regular HBTers

[Broken Crow]

I was inspired by wsmith1625 's thread; Share a tip and wanted to type quite a few things there as it seemed a great place for new users and old pros alike. Thinking about it though, I didn't want to pollute such a useful thread with some things I'd really like to say on here, so I decided to try something related where we can post the less polite but probably still useful advice.
I'll start:
New community members welcome! If someone bought you a Coopers or Mr Beer kit for your 17th birthday and you made it without cocking it up and have found your way here to learn how to increase your skills and knowledge, definitely register as a user but please DO NOT chose a username such as "UberBeerMeister-God of All Things Beer" and then ask things like "Is secondary fermentation a good idea?" or "I pee'd in my beer..is it still good?" without first searching the 1000 times it has been asked and answered already. Also; Do not tell us that after one beer kit, you need business advice cause you're gonna scale up and open your own brewery that'll be the bestest and most successful ever. If you have more money than brains and buy $50K worth of boutique brewing equipment, do not post a ton of HD pics of all of it (Except for the fittings that connect it together that you didn't know it needed) and then ask for recommendations on a good "How to Brew" book.
Just sayin.

 

[wsmith1625]

Difference between a guage and an airlock. Guages measure things and airlocks are one way valves. Airlocks do not measure when fermentation has started, finished, or anything else. They don't measure anything at all. They just keep your beer sanitary and allow co2 to escape without blowing up your fermenter.

Next lesson, hydrometers.

 

[lumpher]

And if the 3 billion posts already on the internet about all this stuff don't make the point, maybe the 3,000,000,001th will make a difference.

 

[BrewnWKopperKat]

If you don't have enough beer to take a hydrometer sample, brew a slightly larger batch.

The idea that 'every drop of beer is precious' apparently started with those who fermented in 1 gal carboys. With a 1 gal carboy, brew a six pack and have enough beer for hydrometer samples. Or brew a 12 pack with a slightly larger fermenter.

 

[DBhomebrew]

If you don't have enough beer to take a hydrometer sample, brew a slightly larger batch.

The idea that 'every drop of beer is precious' apparently started with those who fermented in 1 gal carboys. With a 1 gal carboy, brew a six pack and have enough beer for hydrometer samples. Or brew a 12 pack with a slightly larger fermenter.

If you don't have enough beer to take a hydrometer sample, learn to use a refractometer to achieve perfectly accurate enough pre-  and post-pitch SG data.

 

[Zambezi Special]

If you don't have enough beer to take a hydrometer sample, learn to use a refractometer to achieve perfectly accurate enough pre-  and post-pitch SG data.

Agree 100 %

 

[monkeymath]

Just to keep things interesting, I'll write some advice that kinda-sorta goes against what has been said in the last couple of posts:

- don't take a hundred hydrometer samples from your fermentor unless you can keep all valves etc 100% sanitary and can keep oxygen out (e.g. by pressurising the vessel)
- airlocks don't measure fermentation, yes, very true, but still they kinda-sorta do. So instead of taking hydrometer samples every fifteen minutes and asking "is my fermentation done yet?!" on HBT, just wait for airlock activity to die down entirely and then three more days before packaging. This assumes that you had previously seen airlock activity during fermentation, indicating a tight seal, which you did not mess with by opening your fermentor repeatedly.

 

[seatazzz]

Yeast rafts. So many photos of yeast rafts, with the accompanying question, "Is this infected???" There a literally hundreds of photos on the internetz showing what a healthy fermentation looks like, as well as what infections can look like. Google Images is your friend.

And one of my personal favorites: don't ask What Did I Do Wrong without giving at least SOME details of your process. We can't tell you what you did wrong if we don't know what you did in the first place.

And everyone's favorite: Don't Ask A Question, then disappear forever!!!!!!!

 

[seatazzz]

OMG this thread is just what we needed!!!!!

 

[bracconiere]

If you have more money than brains and buy $50K worth of boutique brewing equipment, do not post a ton of HD pics of all of it

speak for yourself! i love beer porn....

If you don't have enough beer to take a hydrometer sample, brew a slightly larger batch.

The idea that 'every drop of beer is precious' apparently started with those who fermented in 1 gal carboys. With a 1 gal carboy, brew a six pack and have enough beer for hydrometer samples. Or brew a 12 pack with a slightly larger fermenter.

i found out they make a little it's bitsy hydro for aquarium water testing salinity....

 

[wsmith1625]

- airlocks don't measure fermentation, yes, very true, but still they kinda-sorta do. So instead of taking hydrometer samples every fifteen minutes and asking "is my fermentation done yet?!" on HBT, just wait for airlock activity to die down entirely and then three more days before packaging. This assumes that you had previously seen airlock activity during fermentation, indicating a tight seal, which you did not mess with by opening your fermentor repeatedly.

Exactly!!! But how many beginner threads have you read where they are having a panic attack about the airlock not bubbling. Either they're concerned about fermentation not starting or is it done. Typically after asking, they get the idea and let it ride out a week or 2 and take hydrometer readings.

 

[Gilbert Spinning Horse]

If someone asks advice about something bottling related, don't tell them to start kegging.

And...

Don't insist that you can't measure FG with a refractometer, you can do this perfectly well with the aid of the Brewers Friend online calculator. How acurate do you really need to be?

 

[bracconiere]

How acurate do you really need to be?

well for cell counting aparently 0.0025mm2? so i'd say at least within 0.0000001 of a gravity point?

and if you're using an optical refrac, you'd be lucky to guess within at least 0.5 BRIX between the lines!

edit: and it's always my fg is 1.022 or something...and "you need to use a calc if you're using a refrac" actually

 

[bracconiere]

If someone asks advice about something bottling related, don't tell them to start kegging.

how else are we suppose motivate the kiddos?

 

[BrewnWKopperKat]

If someone asks advice about something bottling related, don't tell them to start kegging.

how else are we suppose motivate the kiddos?

Do the simplest thing possible - help them with bottling.

 

[BrewnWKopperKat]

you can do this perfectly well with the aid of [adjustment software]

That idea is repeated here so often that it is doubtful that any evidence to the contrary would be presented here.

 

[BrewnWKopperKat]

But how many beginner threads have you read where they are having a panic attack about ...

Over time, those threads may be more interesting to watch than to participate in (there are plenty of people here, transitioning to 'intermediate' brewers, who can help that threads OP).

There are some interesting numbers one can collect while watching those topics: 1) first reply that answered the question; 2) first reply that answered the question without guessing; 3) first reply that recommends How to Brew; 4) first reply that goes off topic; 5) first reply that goes off topic using humor.

For #3, there was a recent topic that made it to all the way to reply #37. Is that a good number or a bad number?

 

[bracconiere]

Do the simplest thing possible - help them with bottling.

that's why i wouldn't chime in, i only bottled once, hated it, went straight to kegs....that was back in 1996..

of course i was still living at home, and my mom bought me my first kegging kit when i was 18...so i didn't think much about it other then, damn this is so much better....hooked up with a fridge on an odd job i was doing...basicly, it was just take it away otherwise i have to haul it to the dump and pay the freon fee....

 

[bracconiere]

4) first reply that goes off topic; 5) first reply that goes off topic using humor.

now you're just smack talking!

 

[Big_D]

If you have more money than brains and buy $50K worth of boutique brewing equipment, do not post a ton of HD pics of all of it (Except for the fittings that connect it together that you didn't know it needed) and then ask for recommendations on a good "How to Brew" book.

Ok.. it wasn’t $50K worth, and I didn’t post a TON of pics!

And, I know this won’t be popular… but I HATE reading books! If I sit still long enough to read a book, I’ll fall asleep. Unfortunately, it’s just not in my nature. It’s obvious that this is a rare trait in this hobby though, because that’s the first thing everyone throws at you when you start looking for help. I get it, there’s a plethora of great info out there published in books, but thankfully that’s not the only medium available.

I won’t speak for every noob that comes here looking for advice, but I found the forum probably the same way most do.. researching. I had a pretty good idea of what I needed to do to brew my first batch, I really just needed a good nudge (or kick in the ass) to get me going. Thankfully, there were a lot of great folks that jumped in and helped me out!

To be clear though, I’m definitely not one of those that would just ask for help without trying to help myself first! I know that can get old really quick. One thing I would ask of folks though, is to remember what it was like when they were the new guy asking for advice. I feel as though most on here already do, but there are some that come off as the "UberBeerMeister-God of All Things Beer".


-D

 

[bracconiere]

Unfortunately, it’s just not in my nature. It’s obvious that this is a rare trait in this hobby though, because that’s the first thing everyone throws at you when you start looking for help.

maybe try while drinking your failed batch posting a joke about it in drunken ramblings?

 

[BrewnWKopperKat]

now you're just smack talking!

Yes and no.

Ancedotally (my perspective), topics appear to drift 'off topic' around reply #10. Same for humor. If the original topic is "strong enough", it will continue in parallel with the side-topics and humor. And sometimes, the best ideas (on topic, off topic, humor) are on page 2 or 3.

 

[Yesfan]

...........And everyone's favorite: Don't Ask A Question, then disappear forever!!!!!!!

Those are bad, but the necromancer posts are my biggest peeve. Why? Because I've (more than once) replied thinking it was a new topic. It's like being suckered into a really bad Rick Roll.

Search function really is your friend. If you raised a dead thread with "I know this is an old post, but" well, I'll give you a pass and maybe a beer for the warning. Can't blame someone for trying.

This thread is going to be like the home brew version of "bad drivers" isn't it?

 

[Broken Crow]

Yes and no.

Ancedotally (my perspective), topics appear to drift 'off topic' around reply #10. Same for humor. If the original topic is "strong enough", it will continue in parallel with the side-topics and humor. And sometimes, the best ideas (on topic, off topic, humor) are on page 2 or 3.

A lot of the time it depends on the question.. If to OP is asking about wiring their control panel but just happens to mention something like "I can't wait to be splashing that wort into my fermenter!" .. they're likely to ignite 3 pages, possibly with heated arguments about oxidation.

 

[Yesfan]

A lot of the time it depends on the question.. If to OP is asking about wiring their control panel but just happens to mention something like "I can't wait to be splashing that wort into my fermenter!" .. they're likely to ignite 3 pages, possibly with heated arguments about oxidation.

Either that or some really bad porn analogies.

Oh wow......Dexys Midnight Riders is on the radio............

 

[bracconiere]

Yes and no.

damn...i was just talking about H+ and H-.....and how they can be different per molecule...it WAS on topic! g'dam it!

and @seatazzz those are just the most revived zombies!

OMG this thread is just what we needed!!!!!

the hell it is, talkin smack about people they're trying to make money off will get it locked!

 

[Big_D]

maybe try while drinking your failed batch posting a joke about it in drunken ramblings?

Accepted! When the day comes that I have my first failed batch (and I’m sure it’ll be soon), I give @bracconiere my word that I’ll drink enough of it and come on here and make an ass of myself! Hell, I‘m good at that!

The way I look at it, if I screw up a batch.. that means I‘m working at figuring this all out. And from my limited experience, I’ve found the process is pretty forgiving. I hate it that one of my three taps is dry right now, but the other two are still pouring sweet nectar that I’m amazed I was able to create! I can’t buy beer this good.. I’ve tried! What I brew fits what I like to drink, and I think that’s one of the beauties of this hobby.

I’ve said it before, and it still reigns true.. I wish I had started this years ago! Maybe then I’d be able to talk mash efficiencies, chemistry, water profiles, yeast cell counts, etc. with the best on here, but I’m still SOOOO glad I’ve found the hobby and this site!

Yeah, I know @BrewnWKopperKat, this is post #27 and guess what.. it’s way off topic now. But wait a minute… judging by the title of the thread, I don’t think this can go off topic! Given that, here’s what I’m enjoying now.. my Dr.T’s red. It’s amazing!

 

[Big_D]

And here’s a gratuitous equipment shot just for the hell of it!!

I love this place!

 

[bracconiere]

I give @bracconiere my word that I’ll drink enough of it and come on here and make an ass of myself! Hell, I‘m good at that!

Hey i don't need competition!

i was just making the statement, it's just fermented food, and have a good time! not like we are ALL trying to win awards, that to me seem like online IQ tests....

 

[bracconiere]

And here’s a gratuitous equipment shot just for the hell of it!!

I love this place!


View attachment 771441

m'fr cock blocking is against the forum rules, or should be!

 

[Big_D]

Hey i don't need competition!

i was just making the statement, it's just fermented food, and have a good time! not like we are ALL trying to win awards, that to me seem like online IQ tests....

I know brother.. and you’re one of the reasons I love this place! You keep it real!!

And that’s the exact thought I have when I read some posts. I’m not looking to win any awards other than amazing my taste buds!

 

[bracconiere]

your one of the reasons I love this place! You keep it real!!

hey man, your's might be bigger but i still got my milk pail!

and if anyone has recomendations on how to mop that floor i'm all ears....

 

[Big_D]

hey man, your's might be bigger but i still got my milk pail!


and if anyone has recomendations on how to mop that floor i'm all ears....

That is f‘kin awesome!

You prove that you can make it work with just about anything. If it weren’t for that mentality, there’s no telling where we’d be. That’s how they did it back in the day.. made it work!

As far as the floor, you shouldn’t have said anything.. at first glance I thought it was some kind of Italian marble.

 

[bracconiere]

You prove that you can make it work with just about anything. If it weren’t for that mentality, there’s no telling where we’d be.

we'd still be sucking, wait...finished reading your post...

Italian marbles.

was that al capone?

 

[Big_D]

we'd still be sucking

Exactly!!

 

[Broken Crow]

Accepted! When the day comes that I have my first failed batch (and I’m sure it’ll be soon), I give @bracconiere my word that I’ll drink enough of it and come on here and make an ass of myself! Hell, I‘m good at that!

The way I look at it, if I screw up a batch.. that means I‘m working at figuring this all out. And from my limited experience, I’ve found the process is pretty forgiving. I hate it that one of my three taps is dry right now, but the other two are still pouring sweet nectar that I’m amazed I was able to create! I can’t buy beer this good.. I’ve tried! What I brew fits what I like to drink, and I think that’s one of the beauties of this hobby.

I’ve said it before, and it still reigns true.. I wish I had started this years ago! Maybe then I’d be able to talk mash efficiencies, chemistry, water profiles, yeast cell counts, etc. with the best on here, but I’m still SOOOO glad I’ve found the hobby and this site!

Yeah, I know @BrewnWKopperKat, this is post #27 and guess what.. it’s way off topic now. Wait a minute though… judging by the title of the thread, I don’t think this can go off topic! Given that, here’s what I’m enjoying now.. my Dr.T’s red. It’s amazing!




View attachment 771439

YAY! BEER PORN!!

And here’s a gratuitous equipment shot just for the hell of it!!

I love this place!


View attachment 771441

hey man, your's might be bigger but i still got my milk pail!

View attachment 771442


and if anyone has recomendations on how to mop that floor i'm all ears....

YAY! GEAR PORN!!
The floor looks Well-Loved. If you really feel like cleaning it though, I found a quick shortcut by accident once when handling hot PBW while under the influence.

 

[bracconiere]

hot PBW while under the influence.

hmmm, so when i wet my towel to scootch acrost it with my feet...i should try adding some PBW to the water?

 

[Broken Crow]

I had to take a break after brewing, but before cleaning out my keggle....I was quite sore and siezed up so it was an extended break with beers. I like to recirculate PBW at about 130° through it but when I plugged in my CFC, I forgot to turn my 3-way valve from the 'out' to fermenter to the recirculate position. My slippers were thouroughly soaked anyway so I just swooshed it as evenly as I could around the floor since it had some deep dirt anyway and went off for another beer to let it soak. Came back with a bunch of dry towels to clean up the lake and discovered a brilliant shining floor I hadn't seen for quite some time.

 

[bracconiere]

My slippers were thouroughly soaked anyway so I just swooshed it as evenly as I could around the floor since it had some deep dirt

my god man! you're a genious! fuzzy slippers! and just rinse them in a bucket of PBW! i'm ordering some now!

 

[bracconiere]

haven't pulled the trigger but think i'm getting closer...

https://www.ebay.com/itm/2740654762...AAHO0sJeCGniOp+qo6cl1/DyXd1r|tkp:BFBMiqGlkqpg