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Patriots' Season Perfect for Rest of Nation

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Evan!

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From a well-respected, entirely-serious news outlet:




FOXBOROUGH, MA—As the once-invincible, still-insufferable Patriots attempt to come to grips with their 17-14 Super Bowl loss to the Giants, the death of their dream to go undefeated, and the possible end of their dynasty, almost every other person in America is reveling in what they consider the perfect ending to New England's season.

"I just couldn't imagine a better ending to the Patriots odyssey," said Simon Williams, a Kansas City-area football fan who usually watches the college game but found himself caught up in the Patriots' sheer loathsomeness during the season. "The utter lack of humility they displayed alongside an equal lack of any joy in the game, that toad of a coach, and that cologne-ad quarterback… If they have to act that badly while playing that well, you really want to see them fail in the biggest way possible. Thank God almighty, that's what we got."

There is general agreement that the Super Bowl, despite the low score, was one of the finest in recent memory, due in part to the fearsome performance by the Giants and a cool, courageous display of quarterbacking by Eli Manning.

However, when asked about their favorite parts of the game, most fans chose the Patriots' cocky decision to begin the game with a trick play, which the Giants stopped handily; Bill Belichick's smug third-quarter attempt at a fourth-and-13 conversion, which blew up in his face, instead of trying a field goal; and New England's offensive line, which featured three Pro Bowlers, allowing high-cheekboned, doe-eyed, supermodel-impregnating passer Tom Brady to be hit over 20 times during the course of the game.

"Did you see [Giants defensive tackle Jay] Alford smack Brady right in the face on that last drive?" said Bellvue, WA newsstand operator Christian Dansby. "Brady was almost offended. I think he forgot for a few months there that he was a football player. It was just perfect."

"God, seeing Randy Moss do his weird chicken-wing crowd taunt when they scored to go ahead in the fourth was awful," said Jeff Lafferty, who watched the Super Bowl with rabid New England fans despite having known them for years. "What's worse is that the Pats fans ate it up. Of course, when Burress made that catch to win… Perfection. That's the only word for the Pats now. Perfection."

However, most fans gave responses that had little to do with the game itself and more with the almost flawless joy of seeing the Patriots lose, as a team that has been insufferable and unappealing in victory instantly became inconsolable and self-pitying in defeat.

Frequently mentioned examples of instances which, upon reflection, sweetened the Patriots' utter failure included the team's propensity to complain about unfair officiating after their victories; their habit of gleefully running up the score, which also resulted in Brady and Moss earning NFL single-season scoring records in blowouts; and of course, the players' and coaches' hateful attitude.

"Come on, that cheating scandal to open the season and all they say is 'Everybody does it?' They could have at least acted a little bit sorry," said Milwaukee architect and sports fan David Engel. "They acted like a bunch of third-graders, just the way Belichick did when he ran off the field with time left on the clock. At least he shook the other coach's hand this time. That's a first for the big baby."

"The worst part for me is that none of them seem to enjoy playing football," said Lexington, KY-area mechanic Jack Colgrave. "Even when they were winning, all they did was taunt—Randy Moss taunting crowds, Wes Welker telling people they sucked, Brady sneering at the very idea they might get beat someday. What a bunch of absolutely perfect assholes."

"Did their team plane land safely back in Foxborough?" Colgrave asked. "It didn't happen to lose altitude over Boston, burst into a cartwheel of flames, throwing players like Roman candles across New England, and then slam into few dozen loudmouth Patriots' fans houses? It didn't? Well, I guess no football season is perfect."
 

blacklab

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gotta love the onion. excellent. no one is safe!

They had another good one on the Pats awhile back: "Belichick ices own kicker"
 

bigjohnmilford

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This is the first time I can remember the losing team getting more attention than the winner. Football season is over move on there's nothing to see here.
 

Klainmeister

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That satire was barely satirical, i am unconvinced that those might not be real quotes!
 

TheJadedDog

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Okay so I get why everyone hates Belichick, he is totally arrogant (yes, I'm from NE and I think he is arrogant), but why all the hate directed at the players? I've never heard Brady say anything disrespectful about anyone, and as for the commercials, America's QB (the hated Payton Manning) is in at least one commercial during every flipping commercial break during any sporting event!

Seriously, I get why the rest of the country hates the team as a whole (everyone always hates the team at the top) and the coach, but why the individual players?
 

Wheat King

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TheJadedDog said:
but why the individual players?
Randy Moss has been hated his entire career. i think in Brady's case, people are just jealous of his super-model humping ass :p
 

Bobby_M

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The one insult I don't quite get is about Brady's looks. Is there some kind of rule that a quarterback has to look like a boxer at the end of a long career in order to be respected?
 
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Evan!

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Bobby_M said:
The one insult I don't quite get is about Brady's looks. Is there some kind of rule that a quarterback has to look like a boxer at the end of a long career in order to be respected?
Alas, subtlety is lost on yous guys. There's a subtle but present nod in the article towards the very real fact that people wanted the pats to lose partly based on jealousy. His looks are just one more part of that. Many people have a general disdain for utter perfection---and a QB who is on an undefeated team, is banging supermodels, making millions, breaking records, and is a "pretty boy" is the target of much ire for that reason alone.
 

jzal8

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TheJadedDog said:
but why all the hate directed at the players?
I have heard alot over the course of the season about their trash talking on the field. It seems like a majority of NFL players felt like they are a team with poor sportsmanship. Brady laughing at burress for saying they would only score 14 pts I thought was fine, but then Brady has his smug little comment "Is burress playing defense?".

Bruschi is the worst. I can't stand to see him constantly walking around with this over-inflated ego. Marvin Harrisson is notorious for being the dirtiest and has an ego to match. Seymour was inviting the giants offense to his celebration party during the game. Moss has never been had respectable character at any point in his career. Wilfork is dirty.

That's what I can think of off the top of my head.

Otherwise, I like em :mug:
 

blacklab

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Evan! said:
Alas, subtlety is lost on yous guys. There's a subtle but present nod in the article towards the very real fact that people wanted the pats to lose partly based on jealousy. His looks are just one more part of that. Many people have a general disdain for utter perfection---and a QB who is on an undefeated team, is banging supermodels, making millions, breaking records, and is a "pretty boy" is the target of much ire for that reason alone.
well put. In America we love to build up our heroes, then tear them down. This is just the back end of the bell curve.

I know I'm jealous of that muggerfugger!
 

Short Drive

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TheJadedDog said:
but why all the hate directed at the players? I've never heard Brady say anything disrespectful about anyone
Its because every time I watch him speak, all I can see is Clint Howard (Ron Howard's brother) in Gentle Ben. Drives me nuts.
 

ohiobrewtus

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Aside from what Evan mentioned about Brady, I lost some respect for the guy when I heard this:

[youtube]ghmVMeMJgw8[/youtube]

I think Brady's been around Belicheat too long.
 
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Evan!

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ohiobrewtus said:
Aside from what Evan mentioned about Brady, I lost some respect for the guy when I heard this:

[youtube]ghmVMeMJgw8[/youtube]

I think Brady's been around Belicheat too long.
I hadn't seen that. Well, he was right to laugh. They couldn't even score that much. :p
 

ohiobrewtus

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Evan! said:
I hadn't seen that. Well, he was right to laugh. They couldn't even score that much. :p
I was very surprised to hear him laugh about that. Part of it was genuine surprise, but you can tell that he's almost offended by the notion that they would only score 17 points. That screams of arrogance to me.
 

TheJadedDog

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jzal8 said:
I have heard alot over the course of the season about their trash talking on the field. It seems like a majority of NFL players felt like they are a team with poor sportsmanship. Brady laughing at burress for saying they would only score 14 pts I thought was fine, but then Brady has his smug little comment "Is burress playing defense?".

Bruschi is the worst. I can't stand to see him constantly walking around with this over-inflated ego. Marvin Harrisson is notorious for being the dirtiest and has an ego to match. Seymour was inviting the giants offense to his celebration party during the game. Moss has never been had respectable character at any point in his career. Wilfork is dirty.

That's what I can think of off the top of my head.

Otherwise, I like em :mug:
Okay, trash talk is not a reason not to like a guy, it's part of the game. Playing dirty is something else, but other than Harrison and Seymore, I've not heard allegations that any of the Pats are dirty.

I'm kind of surprised to hear you don't like Bruschi, he's one of the more stand-up guys on the team.
 
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