most amusing thread yet

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Byrdbrewer

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Ok… so this is going to be the most amusing thread yet, but this is a serious question I have. No one appreciates a fart joke more than I, but its not funny when its you’re a$$ telling the joke and it’s the same joke every 5 minutes ….confused?? ok here is my question.

I love drinking a tasty home brew or 2 or 3 or 5, but my home brew seems to make me really gassy compared to (good) commercial beer. The effects last through to the following morning if you know what I mean. Can anyone explain what causes this, what I might be doing to promote this, what I could do to stop this, or even if it has happened to you?
 

jessup

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healthy brewers yeast helping clean out your digestive tract? that's my best guess... brewers yeast is EXTREMELY good for you!! actually i've read that ingesting yeast might actually even prevent a hangover:)

https://www.homebrewtalk.com/f14/why-does-my-homebrew-make-me-fart-so-much-168234/

"Its the residual sugars that reach your small and large intestines. Your GI tract cannot absorb oligosaccharides through your gut epithelium and it leaves sugars for your natural flora to ferment, E coli, enterococcus etc. They create gas from the fermentation and it is your resposibility to "relieve the pressure" so-to-speak."
 

A7teck

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Are you pouring your entire bottle into your glass? Or drinking it right out of the bottle? Yeast sediment that accumulates at the bottom of the bottle can cause excess gas. I've had this happen a few times, and I've seen a few friends pour the whole thing before I can stop them. You should leave about a quarter inch of liquid in the bottle to prevent getting yeasties in the beer you drink. Regardless, if I drink more than one homebrew (which is often the case) I notice a more... active expulsion rate, particularly the following morning. Hope it helps.
 

Neonsilver

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I use it to my advantage and either crop dust the office, smoke out friends/family and to dutch oven the gf.:rockin:
 
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Byrdbrewer

Byrdbrewer

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Are you pouring your entire bottle into your glass? Or drinking it right out of the bottle? Yeast sediment that accumulates at the bottom of the bottle can cause excess gas. I've had this happen a few times, and I've seen a few friends pour the whole thing before I can stop them. You should leave about a quarter inch of liquid in the bottle to prevent getting yeasties in the beer you drink. Regardless, if I drink more than one homebrew (which is often the case) I notice a more... active expulsion rate, particularly the following morning. Hope it helps.
Ya, I never drink beer out of the bottle, my IMO you are robbing yourself of the full beer drinking experience, I also am very careful not to let any (or too much) sediment make it into the glass - I guess its just normal lol.
 
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Byrdbrewer

Byrdbrewer

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uechikid

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Are you pouring your entire bottle into your glass? Or drinking it right out of the bottle? Yeast sediment that accumulates at the bottom of the bottle can cause excess gas. I've had this happen a few times, and I've seen a few friends pour the whole thing before I can stop them. You should leave about a quarter inch of liquid in the bottle to prevent getting yeasties in the beer you drink. Regardless, if I drink more than one homebrew (which is often the case) I notice a more... active expulsion rate, particularly the following morning. Hope it helps.
I keg mine and get the same thing.
 

springer

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Beer yeast can't survive the in the stomachs hydrochloric acid where the PH is about 1. The dead yeast are then consumed by the active bacteria in the intestine just like when you boil some yeast in the starter wort it becomes food. Your body will get used to the new food and it should subside.
 
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it's the oligosacchrides more than the yeast....

them long sugars in your homebrew get to your intestine, and the microbes chomp down on them and start farting.

I mean, chili has no yeast in it - yet?
 

Talloak

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Homebrew definitely gives me serious hot wet farts and after 16 months my body has not 'adapted' or whatever.
 

Frodo

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So here's something I recently got in my email... at least homebrew isn't as bad as this, speaking for myself anyway: :drunk:



THIS WAS TO FUNNY NOT TO SHARE AND SOMETIMES WE NEED A GOOD LAUGH...THIS IS IT...
WARNING : ONLY Read This When You Are Able To LAUGH OUT LOUD.

I went to Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to crap yourself' road-kill chili. Tasty stuff, although hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.


Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement. Despite the chillies swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.


Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for Home Depot, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the deck. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the toilets that the pain hit me.


Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, CRAP, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The chillies from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the toilets which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The chillies fired a warning shot.


There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a toxic cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a red aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.


I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the toxic non-visible fog that refused to dissipate.. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. .........BIG mistake!!!!!


Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.. Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the toilet, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand explosion took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'.. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Son-of-a-b****!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.


Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'


My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YO U!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.


Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Lowes. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store.
 

Monty420th

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okay I have to admit, I was laughing A LOT at that one

him being in the paint and STAIN section got me started off in the right direction
 

WortMonger

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OMG, that was a fricken' hilarious bit right there! I am literally crying right now trying to write this. Been there, done that, and was waiting tables at the time... talk about crop dusting! When I finally went to the john, I too about made a fellow gag at the urinal while I was in the privy. I couldn't help but laugh at the noise and it really pissed him off. Guess I ruined the rest of his meal??? I'd bet on that based on the fact that I myself left the restroom wringing my tongue in my mouth like I had just eaten cat poo. When it happens... it happens! LOL, too funny though.
 

PT Ray

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Heres something on parr with this thread:

If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope for
> you. I was crying by the end. Apparently, this is just a slight exaggeration
> of an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas.
>
> Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the
> first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those
> of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually
> have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a
> major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park.
>
> Judge 3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from
> Springfield, IL.
>
> Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
> cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
> happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to
> the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two
> judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and,
> besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
> accepted and became Judge 3."
>
> Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
>
> CHILI ..... 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
> Judge 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
> Judge 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
> Judge 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could
> remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames
> out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
>
> CHILI .... 2 - ARIAL AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI..
> Judge 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
> Judge 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
> Judge 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm
> supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
> give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw
> the look on my face.
>
> CHILI ... 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI..
> Judge 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
> Judge 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
> Judge 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I
> have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more
> beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, and now my backbone is
> in the front part of my chest. I'm getting @!&&-faced from all of the beer.
>
> CHILI .... 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC..
> Judge 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
> Judge 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other
> mild foods, not much of a chili.
> Judge 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
> taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was
> standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to
> look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an
> aphrodisiac?
>
> CHILI 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
> Judge 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
> considerable kick. Very impressive.
> Judge 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
> the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
> Judge 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can
> no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed
> paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili
> had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
> beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.
> It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
> Screw them.
>
> CHILI .... 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
> Judge 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices
> and peppers.
> Judge 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
> Superb
> Judge 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
> sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will
> eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
> Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.
>
> CHILI .... 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...
> Judge 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
> Judge 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili
> peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about
> Judge ... 3 He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
> uncontrollably.
> Judge 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't
> feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is
> made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed
> out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least
> during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop
> breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If
> I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
>
> CHILI .... 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...
> Judge 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but
> spicy enough to declare its existence.
> Judge 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot.
> Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge ..3 farted, passed out,
> fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's
> going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot
> chili?
> Judge 3 - No Report.
>
> Good day to you, Smile at one person daily, and be yourself.
 
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