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Orfy

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Now before anyone takes this seriously consider if you have taken it in the manner meant. If not I suggest you go post in another thread.



To the citizens of the United States of America

In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and
thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of
your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical
duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories (except
Kansas , which she does not fancy), as from Monday next.

Our soon-to-be-ex prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor
for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the
Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year
to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
rules are introduced with immediate effect:



1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then look up "aluminium," and check the pronunciation guide. You will be
amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour'
And 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut'
without skipping half the letters, and the suffix "ize" will be replaced
by the suffix "ise."

3. You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra'; you may
elect to re-spell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you find you simply can't
cope with correct pronunciation.

4. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable
levels (look up "vocabulary"). Using the same twenty-seven words
interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an
unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

5.There is no such thing as " US English." We will let Microsoft know on
your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account
of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."

6. You will relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The
Queen", but only after fully carrying out Task No. 1 (see above).

7. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd will
be a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in England . It will be
called "Come-Uppance Day."

8. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and
therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be
handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without
suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough
to handle a gun.

9. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more
dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish
to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

10. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for
your own good. When we show you German, Swedish and Italian cars
you will understand what we mean.

11. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will
start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go
metric immediately and without the benefit of conversion tables.
Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British
sense of humour.

12. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
calling "gasoline") - roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

13. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French Fries
are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips
are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat,
and dressed not with mayonnaise but with vinegar.

14. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with
customers.

15. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as
"beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be
referred to as "Lager." American brands will be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's
Urine," so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

16. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast Engl ish actors as
good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play
English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in "Four
Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin to having one's ears
removed with a cheese grater.

17. You will cease playing American "football." There is only one kind of
proper football; you call it "soccer". Those of you brave enough will, in
time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American
"football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds
or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

18. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host
an event called the "World Series" for a game which is not played outside of
America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond
your borders, your error is understandable.

19. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

20. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all
monies due backdated to 1776.

Thank you for your co-operation and have a nice day
 

Flyin' Lion

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orfy said:
A questionnaire may be circulated next year
to determine whether any of you noticed.

This I believe.



11. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will
start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go
metric immediately and without the benefit of conversion tables.
Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British
sense of humour.

From European Vacation: "look kids Parliament, Big Ben."



15. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as
"beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be
referred to as "Lager." American brands will be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's
Urine," so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

No problems with this one either.




Ten characters.
 

Sir Humpsalot

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Sorry, but here in America we have Tamales, Tacos, Burritos, Sausages, Calamari, Lobster, Italian food, etc etc etc. Thanks to the immigrants.

Ain't no way I'm giving all that up for Haggis and a lemon shandy.
 
OP
Orfy

Orfy

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Damn Squirrels said:
Sorry, but here in America we have Tamales, Tacos, Burritos, Sausages, Calamari, Lobster, Italian food, etc etc etc. Thanks to the immigrants.

Ain't no way I'm giving all that up for Haggis and a lemon shandy.
Haggis, you need to try, I'll let you off with lemon shandy (WTF!)
 

BarleyWater

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That was F-ing hilarious

I have to disagree with 18, I am a baseball fan (go Rangers, we're number last!)

I'm not paying s#!t.
 

dibby33

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orfy said:
Haggis, you need to try, I'll let you off with lemon shandy (WTF!)

you ain't trying me! not while I still have an ounce of strength left in my body you don't!
 

McKBrew

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Funny stuff, just remember who won the last time around.
 

Yooper

Ale's What Cures You!
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Roundabouts and metic will do me in! Have pity on a mathematically challenged easily confused pathetic soul like me! Can I still do pounds and ounces? Please? :D
 

homebrewer_99

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Very funny...

The answer to 19 is LBJ and the CIA had Kennedy killed because he wanted to get rid of the Federal Reserve (Owned by private bankers, not a Federal agency as some believe...and the REAL people running the US, controlling the flow of money and interest rates, etc...). :mad:

Clark Griswold was wrong...they, and everyone else, have NEVER seen Big Ben. BB is the name of the bell in the tower, not the clock. :eek:

Being an ex-hippie, and having lived in Germany for 9 years, I, too, use may on my pommes frites (fried potatoes aka "fries"). ;)
 

Reverend JC

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Wait Wait!!!!!!!!

Does this mean we have to go back to the orthodontist and have our teeth redone so they look bad?

Glad my brother just graduated as a dentist and is heading to Ortho school, that should save me some cash when i take my daughter in and get her teeth screwed up to match our new glorious leaders.

God Save the Queen!
 

GoatFarmersInternational

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Finally a reasonable plan for the future.

Oh, and for all of you that are afraid of Haggis - don't be. It tastes excellent, actually, and is far less questionable in its origins compared to, say, our ground beef. I mean, just because it is an amalgamation of weird animal parts doesn't mean that it ain't good...
 

Fingers

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Yuri_Rage said:
Only hippies and weirdos put mayo on French fries.
Well, I guess I'm an ex-hippie but I'm still considered fairly weird by many. I picked up the mayonnaise and fries thing while in Holland. I never touch ketchup.
 

TxBrew

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What power/control does the Royal family have over the UK Government?

Are they directly involved in Govt policies and such?
 

Rhoobarb

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Good stuff, and I agree with the filler words and beer wholeheartedly! But Italian Cars? Inless we're talking extremely high priced Ferraris or Mazzeratis, no thanks. Who wants to drive a Fiat?!:(
 

Alamo_Beer

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Hey, I drive a Volvo...had a VW, sorta know the metric system, and like tea.

But I disagree with #8....and taxes
 

david_42

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I'm sorry, ma'am, but the package includes Kansas AND Utah.

10. no mention of British cars & rightly so.
 

Alamo_Beer

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Do they still drive 3 wheel cars in the UK? Like in Mr. Bean? (man that was a good show...crappy movie though)
 

todd_k

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I guess I'll have to stop showering and start cross-dressing to blend in with the Brits.
 

Alamo_Beer

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a really dirty ugly a ss car? who makes those fugly cars?

BTW how much is a teacupfull?
 

desiderata

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McKBrew said:
Funny stuff, just remember who won the last time around.
Uh, that's "last time round"--get it right! I mean, royt! :cross:

I guess we'll have to start pronouncing it "shedule" instead of "schedule" as well.

I agree with most of it, especially the American football nancies. :)

Whoever made the comment about the dental work above, well done! LOL!

Oh, I'm sure we'd also get the real pint glass of beer back in which to serve the real beer. :ban:
 

Pumbaa

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Hey BP, looks like we will have to beat HRM down again just like our ancestors have done twice now (we are both related to John Hart ). Ya figure after saving the Brits from speaking German (twice) they would be a bit more grateful.

Well I'm ready when ever they are.
Lock and Load
Orfy wear a red carnation and I'll buy ya a HB befor after we spank ya'all one more time
:mug:
 

Bernie Brewer

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orfy said:
Now before anyone takes this seriously consider if you have taken it in the manner meant. If not I suggest you go post in another thread.



To the citizens of the United States of America

In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and
thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of
your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical
duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories (except
Kansas , which she does not fancy), as from Monday next.

Our soon-to-be-ex prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor
for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the
Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year
to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
rules are introduced with immediate effect:

7. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd will
be a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in England . It will be
called "Come-Uppance Day."

No problem there- Nov 2 is my anniversary, and I wouldn't mind it being a national holiday, even if it is only in England


10. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for
your own good. When we show you German, Swedish and Italian cars
you will understand what we mean.

Um all the German Italian and Swedish cars I've owned were horrible. I'll only drive American or Japanese vehicles, sorry.

11. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will
start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go
metric immediately and without the benefit of conversion tables.
Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British
sense of humour.

We actually have some roundabouts here. Not many, but some. That's where all the accidents happen over here.

12. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
calling "gasoline") - roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

13. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French Fries
are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips
are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat,
and dressed not with mayonnaise but with vinegar.

Mayo? yuck. Vinegar? Even worse.

14. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with
customers.

Fine with me

15. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as
"beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be
referred to as "Lager." American brands will be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's
Urine," so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

No comment

16. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast Engl ish actors as
good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play
English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in "Four
Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin to having one's ears
removed with a cheese grater.

You actually watched "Four Weddings and a Funeral"? On Purpose?
Pu$$y.


17. You will cease playing American "football." There is only one kind of
proper football; you call it "soccer". Those of you brave enough will, in
time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American
"football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds
or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

HUH?

18. Further, you will stop playing baseball.

OK NOW YOU'VE GONE TOO FAR!!! LET REVOLUTION #2 COMMENCE!!!

19. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

If you're taking back the country, why do you care???

20. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all
monies due backdated to 1776.

Same sh!t, different dictator.

Thank you for your co-operation and have a nice day

:D :D


I've really no problem with it, because that way Hillary can't be president , but that's another thread and/or forum entirely.........
 

Pumbaa

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Bernie Brewer said:
:D :D


I've really no problem with it, because that way Hillary can't be president , but that's another thread and/or forum entirely.........
Trying to remain in good humor and non political I SWEAR TO F****** GAWD if she is elected to either Prez or VP I quit. I will leave the union and try to force me back in. I will also very seriously consider declaring war on my former homeland and take the entire nation by force if neccessary.

(If I leave then take over I cant be tried for Treason :D )
 

TheJadedDog

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I know I am going to regret this (I've only watched these things because I would rather not get divorced for refusing to watch a movie), but Andie McDowell was playing an American in Four Weddings and a Funeral; therefore, no English accent was attempted on her part. Now, Gwynth Paltrow has played English characters in several movies and her accent is deplorable which would have made her the better example.
 

knarfks

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Doesn't matter to me, I'm in Kansas and the new rules don't apply.

The US was supposed to be completely converted to the metric system by 1996...yeah, that didn't work at all.

I do agree with the football comments. I played rugby for 3 years, after playing football. Rugby is such a better game it isn't funny, harder hitting, less pads, fewer injuries(the pads cause more injuries than they prevent statistically).
Soccer is a great game if you are watching teams that are good like the EPL, Seria A, spanish league and not the MLS
 

Alamo_Beer

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Well I'm in Texas anyway so we'll just go back to being the Republic of Texas....thats fine

 

WOP31

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I am with you greenhornet, just a little further south!

Viva La Revolution

 

dibby33

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This is the Arch Bishop of Haggisburry here.

I will only get involved with the running of America (or Hagmerica as it will be known) once proper beer is served in all pubs / hotels / bars. Now, you HBs have to step up your game and get brewing, get out there promoting your fine product and presuade your fellow countryman to stop buying the sh1t that people only buy 'cause they have no brains to buy anything else.

I am off home via the bottle shop where I shall be having a beer / or ten. Been on call for the last seven days and I clock off at 9pm tonight (last race).
 
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