Diary of a snow shoveler

Homebrew Talk - Beer, Wine, Mead, & Cider Brewing Discussion Forum

Help Support Homebrew Talk:

TXCrash

Gunshy
Joined
Sep 28, 2005
Messages
32,166
Reaction score
3,938
Location
Crazytown
Diary of a Snow Shoveler...
December 8 - 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9 - We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.

December 12 - The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. l don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14 - Snow lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish l wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15 - 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16 - Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, Which I think was very cruel.

December 17 - Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20 - Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Goddamn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow
blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22 - Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white **** fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the ******* is lying.

December 23 - Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she nuts!!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.

December 24 - 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snow plow I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish
shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the goddamn snowplow.

December 25 - Merry ****ing Christmas! 20 more inches of the god damn slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I hate the snow!
Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think shes a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wondeful Life" one mor time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.

December 26 - Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27 - Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze, plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me 1,400 to replace all my pipes.

December 28 - Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. THE BITCH is driving me crazy!!!

December 29 - 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30 - Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver he is now suing me for a million dollars not only the beating I gave him but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.

December 31 - I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8 - Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
 

Bernie Brewer

Grouchy Old Fart
Joined
Feb 2, 2006
Messages
7,505
Reaction score
187
Location
Eldorado, WI
That's an oldie but a goodie. This one makes the email rounds among us Cheeseheads every year for prolly the last ten years. Scary thing is, there's so much truth to it, it's really not that funny.
 

eschatz

Well-Known Member
Joined
Dec 18, 2007
Messages
3,427
Reaction score
53
Location
Terre Haute, IN
:off: Speaking of you cheeseheads. I'm starting to see cheese curds on sale down here in Indiana. :rockin:

I should be about 600 lbs in about 3 months :rolleyes:
 

eschatz

Well-Known Member
Joined
Dec 18, 2007
Messages
3,427
Reaction score
53
Location
Terre Haute, IN
Yeah, they're tasty. It's gonna be dangerous because all the Hoosiers dont shovel driveways or really get any exercise. We're gonna get so fat that Indiana sinks into the earth and pulls Illinois and Ohio down with us. :eek:
 
OP
TXCrash

TXCrash

Gunshy
Joined
Sep 28, 2005
Messages
32,166
Reaction score
3,938
Location
Crazytown
Good thing cheese curds aren't available here... Well, easily anyways...

Of course - what would be really dangerous is if a place out this way sold real Detroit style coneys - hell, I'd settle for flint style (spent a winter in flint - the only thing I miss is the coneys...).
 

Madman

Well-Known Member
Joined
Jan 3, 2009
Messages
1,643
Reaction score
2
Location
Newark, DE
See, and I've been hoping every year for a good snow. My first daughter just turned five and I've never been able to build a snowman or go sledding with her :(
 

TerapinChef

Well-Known Member
Joined
Oct 31, 2007
Messages
995
Reaction score
9
Location
St. Clair Shores, MI
Good thing cheese curds aren't available here... Well, easily anyways...

Of course - what would be really dangerous is if a place out this way sold real Detroit style coneys - hell, I'd settle for flint style (spent a winter in flint - the only thing I miss is the coneys...).
You know that National Coney Island sells bricks of chili right?
 

Zymurgrafi

Well-Known Member
Joined
Feb 19, 2007
Messages
2,426
Reaction score
19
Location
NEK, VT
what is better than squeaky cheese curds? DEEP FRIED CHEESE CURDS!!!


YUM!


But back to shovelling. Get F*CKING Snowblower!
 

Bernie Brewer

Grouchy Old Fart
Joined
Feb 2, 2006
Messages
7,505
Reaction score
187
Location
Eldorado, WI

EvilTOJ

Well-Known Member
Joined
Dec 25, 2005
Messages
6,394
Reaction score
69
Location
Portland, OR
Not only is there glare ice, but I know what streets those are, and they range from a 2% to 8% grade. Quite steep. It's still hilarious though.
 

MoRoToRiUm

Well-Known Member
Joined
Jun 17, 2008
Messages
1,389
Reaction score
6
Not only is there glare ice, but I know what streets those are, and they range from a 2% to 8% grade. Quite steep. It's still hilarious though.
I figured there was a good grade with how horizontal that van slid... What [email protected]$$ES though!? They live there and shouldn't be stupid enough to drive there in that.. Let alone try and drive away from it!
 

Boerderij_Kabouter

Well-Known Member
Joined
Dec 21, 2007
Messages
7,763
Reaction score
178
Location
Oconomowoc, Wisconsin
That's a good laugh. That was me last year.... couldn't afford a plow so I was stuck shoveling. Most snow Wisconsin has seen in the last century...

Yeah, I bought a tractor and blower attachment this summer.
 
Top