Blissfully Child-Free

[kombat]

There are plenty of other threads by parents around here, gushing about how much they love their kids and whatnot, so rather than crash their party, I wondered if it would be OK to have a thread where those of us who are child-free by choice can relate about how rewarding it is NOT to have kids.

My wife and I are 39/38 and knew early on that we didn't want to have kids. We're at the point now where our siblings are having young ones, and I'm really enjoying being the "Fun Uncle." But after a couple of hours of baby-talk and feigning wonderment at the stuffed ducky that quacks when you squeeze him, I'm ready to hand them back to their parents and return to my quiet solitude. Our house stays clean, our furniture isn't stained with milk, puke, or even nastier concoctions.

We sleep in on the weekends. I can brew whenever we want. We have thousands of extra dollars each month. We don't have to worry about whether or not we'll roll the dice and end up with a "problem" child (autism, Down's, deformities, allergies, or just plain aggressive/violent/disobedient). No worries about 3:00 am phone calls from the police, no having "the talk," no diapers, no screaming, crying tantrums, no figuring out how to get 5 people and their luggage across the country to visit relatives... just a clean, quiet house, easy travel, predictable life, quiet weekends, low stress, etc.

What do other child-free-by-choice folks love about the lifestyle?

 

[beskone]

In for this.

Almost all of our friends have kids, are pregnant or are trying to get pregnant.

My wife and I are37/39, just bought our first house and just aren't that paternal.

We like drinking nice wine, going on vacations, saving for retirement etc... the extra time and money we have because we don't have children makes all this possible

For the feels we have our cat, and soon we'll adopt a puppy. I totally agree that being the fun uncle has it's advantages, get the youths all riled up then give them back and retire to the fortress of solitude

Maybe that'll change in the next few years but for now we're loving it.

 

[Billy-Klubb]

people are all different. happy birthday!

 

[hunter_le five]

I completely respect and understand other' choices to reproduce. (Sometimes I wish they wouldn't, but that only applies to certain specific people). The sound of a child's laughter, watching the li'l bastard grow up, raising them to be something you can be proud of, sharing memories and love with them....

That said, I am stoked about being childless. It's f***ing fantastic, for all the reasons previously mentioned. More freedom, less responsibility, more money, less stress, etc. I'm selfish and won't even deny it. The Woman recently confided in me that she's decided she doesn't want kids after all, and I'm all "well, if that's really how you feel...", though on the inside I was

I'm sure if I ever had a kid, maybe I'd think differently, but I'm content to live in blissful ignorance, or whatever this is. Occasionally getting to play with friends'/relatives' little imps is more than enough to me. I too would rather be an occasional fun uncle than a full-time dad.

To those of you that do have children: I salute you. I'm not sure I could do it.

 

[JPrather]

people are all different. happy birthday!

Pretty much this.

 

[Zuljin]

No kids here, either. Never really wanted them. For a while we were like, well, if it happens, it happens, but let's not encourage it. Birth control don't fail us now. As time went by, we made a firm decision; no kids. Snippy, snip. No worries now.

We play God parents to kids of family and friends. They're fun, for a little while. If it ever came to it, we would honor the ultimate commitment of God parents, but let's hope not. Those kids are getting old enough now that the chances are slimmer every day. Good health and good luck to their parents.

It's not that we hate kids or people who have kids. We don't think the world is too terrible or over populated to bring kids into. It's no high holy socio political reason. We just don't want to be parents.

Selfish? A little. Too scared? A little. Too damn lazy? Yeah, some of that, too. I admit it all. Good parenting is a tough job. Bad parenting isn't always easy, either. Power to you who do it. Try to raise a few good doctors. We're all going to need them.

 

[Zuljin]

So, is it rewarding? Well, it's two different standards of rewards. Philosophers have wresteled with what is happiness to who and why for centuries. We are happy this way.

Is the purpose of life to create more life? It sure seems like a major role of it, but we are not protozoa or plants or wild beasts. Humans are animals, but humanity is a different creature on the king's chess board. We have a greater ability and duty to decide what we create.

 

[TxBrew]

What do other child-free-by-choice folks love about the lifestyle?

Eating candy in peace. That's what I miss. I have to stand in a corner or a closet to eat candy now else there is a pack of animals surrounding me. I went on a trip alone and I ate so much candy it was absurd.

 

[W0GWT]

Eating candy in peace. That's what I miss. I have to stand in a corner or a closet to eat candy now else there is a pack of animals surrounding me. I went on a trip alone and I ate so much candy it was absurd.

My son had around 50 Reese's Cups left over from his birthday. They're on top of the fridge, but I always make a concerted effort to make sure he is distracted before I snag one.

Eventually I'll get busted and have to find a new stash zone.

 

[slym2none]

I am childless. There isn't a woman out there that would let me put a baby in her.

:beard:

 

[passedpawn]

Raising kids does steal from your fun-parade. But you do it, it's over in X years, then it's back to fun. I've done this cycle, 3 kids. I'd say it's a net gain, but if you don't have kids you wouldn't believe me, so nevermind.

The good thing is, if you do it right, you end up with 2 doctors and a nurse for kids.

 

[Qhrumphf]

My wife and I haven't determined what we're doing. It's somewhere between "no kids" and "maybe eventually kid [emphasis on singular]". I very much enjoy being the fun uncle. I have a great niece who's adorable and a good kid and made us both consider the option (instead of an emphatic "no kids"). But then I see my other niece and nephew, and I'm ready to grab an ice pack and X-acto knife and snip it myself in the sibling-in-law's kitchen. But I'm 31 and she's 28, so we've still got some time to figure it out.

Meanwhile, I'm perfectly happy not having the headaches that come with it (as much joy as it's supposed to bring).

 

[Kharnynb]

I love kids(with ketchup).
We have had the time where we stopped using protection and let happen what would, but we never really were all that committed to having kids.
My wife is a lower elementary school teacher, and that seems to have cured any latent child wishes quite well.....:fro:
Myself...I'm fine with a dog and a lot of hobbies, don't really have to be anything more than the fun "uncle" for friends children.

 

[JINKS]

No wild emotional ride between anger and panic when your kid who was supposed to be home at 11 hasn't showed by 1,2 or 3 am.
Childless by choice, (and luck). My sisters kids are enough, I couldn't handle 24/7.

 

[OleBrewing]

Raising kids does steal from your fun-parade. But you do it, it's over in X years, then it's back to fun. I've done this cycle, 3 kids. I'd say it's a net gain, but if you don't have kids you wouldn't believe me, so nevermind.

The good thing is, if you do it right, you end up with 2 doctors and a nurse for kids.

My daughter (3yrs at the time) has agreed to take care of me when I get old, this all came about when I was helping her in the bathroom. Hope she keeps her word I don't want to end up in a senior home.

 

[SupervisingChildren]

I spent last night with my 5 yr old daughter puking. Swmbo is out of town on a work conference... This is a time that being childless would be awesome.

My 7 yr old son helped me weed the garden today and we hung out for a bit afterwards and just talked about life. These are the good moments in parenthood.

I have an aunt who never married or had kids who is an awesome aunt. She would watch us when my parents went on vacation, showed up at our games, and took us out to cool places. I think it's the whole not being burned out from parenthood that gives you the ability to be a better aunt/uncle.

 

[rwgaro]

Totally respect those who don't want to have kids - I still remember when a friend quietly let me know (when other couples were starting to get pregnant) that he and his wife weren't at all interested; he seemed to feel a little out of place saying that, yet was clearly firm in their plans. Totally respect it and am honestly sometimes envious of the time that kidless couples have. I long for the days of brunch, sleeping in, feeling rested, etc.

I'm 46 with 5yo and 7yo boys (7 yo is turning 8 tomorrow). It's exhausting, and parents are bull****ting if they don't admit that it's sometimes beyond a pain in the ass and overwhelming at times. Yet it's also beyond awesome to be a dad to 2 boys, and humbling beyond words watching and helping these sweet, spunky, goofy, funny little people grow up... mommy is often shaking her head at the stupid things the 3 of us do together. I wouldn't trade it...

 

[jwalkermed]

my motto is kids ruin your life in the best way. Each to their own though. I sure do miss sleeping in and not being responsible for keeping little beings alive.

 

[user 30639]

My wife and I made the decision while we were dating that we weren't going to have kids. 10 years later we've stuck to it. I went and got snipped, so if she says we're having a kid, I'll need to have a long talk with either her and/or my urologist. We have a cat and a dog and are perfectly happy with just our fur babies.

 

[Homercidal]

I completely respect those who decide not to have kids. I mean, there are too many people trying to live on this planet anyway, and there certain isn't any good reason to have kids if you don't' want them.

That said, not ALL kids are a PITA. Sure there are scary moments when they are young, but honestly my kids haven't really been a bother at all. Maybe I'm luckier than most, but reaising two girls has been great.

In the end it comes down to giving I think. Giving of life. Giving of your time and energy to pass down things you've learned and giving of your intimate self in a way that is different than it is for a close friend even. You realize that they are a part of you, but independent and willing to have their own thoughts and ideas, dreams and fears.

Before I had kids I didn't want kids. I was busy working 6-7 days a week, going to school nearly full time and remodeling a house. I remember the talk with the wife about kids and we decided that if God wanted it to happen it would happen. Apparently my wife thought I meant that she should stop taking birth control and we'll see what happens...

I've never been accused of being a great communicator, LOL!

Anyway, we had one and 5 years later I decided we were in a good financial position to have another. It had nothing to do with the drug store scale with fortune telling that said I would have 2 kids, either...

 

[SharonaZamboni]

I have three kids that were unplanned. They're all grown up now and I have a 6 year old grandson.

I'm not particularly fond of children, and I enjoy my kids much more now that they're adults. My grandson is the sweetest, most agreeable kid, and I'm afraid any other grandchildren will not be as easy to deal with.

I've remarried, and my husband and I can do whatever we want and spend our money on vacations, food, and good beer. I totally understand the no- kids decision.

 

[Thanks_Yeasties]

meals for just one or two
idea = immediate action
sleep
watch a movie once, probably never again (how many times can a kid watch frozen????)
not constantly feeling like a hypocrite (dont do what daddy does!)
naps
using four letter words


and an easy #1
DAY DRINKING! -

 

[Psylocide]

meals for just one or two (Yep, we do that.)
idea = immediate action (Yep, we do that.)
sleep(Yep, we do that.)
watch a movie once, probably never again (how many times can a kid watch frozen????) (Don't buy it for them)
not constantly feeling like a hypocrite (dont do what daddy does!)(Kids aren't adults. Don't do what daddy does. Until you're older.)
naps(Kids love naps. I hate them.)
using four letter words(All the time. Just used five right here.)


and an easy #1
DAY DRINKING! - (Requirement in my house)

Having kids doesn't ruin any of these, lol.

 

[steveoatley]

Not gonna change my mind

 

[mkyl428]

I am childless. There isn't a woman out there that would let me put a baby in her.

:beard:

ipe:

 

[kombat]

In the end it comes down to giving I think. Giving of life. Giving of your time and energy to pass down things you've learned and giving of your intimate self in a way that is different than it is for a close friend even.

With all due respect, and I know you didn't mean it this way, but what you just wrote touches a nerve with me because it implies that couples who choose not to have kids are selfish, while people who procreate are virtuous saints. While I'm sure you're being sincere, I nevertheless seriously doubt that "giving" was the main reason why most parents have kids. Aside from the undoubtedly high proportion that weren't a deliberate decision at all ("Oopsie!"), I believe that those who purposely chose to have kids did so for selfish reasons. Chiefly, because they WANTED to.

There's nothing wrong with that, I just resent when parents imply (or outright accuse) child free couples of being selfish. It suggests that the parents did what they did for the good of humanity, and that would have rather remained child free, but they made a sacrifice for the rest of us and we should shower them with praise and gratitude. Sorry, I'm not buying it. They had kids because first and foremost, they WANTED kids.

Don't get me wrong - we chose not to have kids for equally selfish reasons. I like the life I have and don't want it to change. That's selfish. I love my wife and I don't want to share her. That's selfish. I just resent the implication that parents are virtuous pillars of self-sacrifice, but child free by choice couples are selfish. We're all selfish. That's not a bad thing.

 

[kombat]

Children are the only proof YOU existed

Well that's just not true at all. Billions and billions of people have existed throughout history, but there's no way to "prove" any single individual existed, save for what they left behind. We know Shakespeare existed, but not because 1/64th of the DNA of his great-great-great-great-grandchild proves it. The works he left behind prove it.

Leonardo Da Vinci didn't have any children at all. Do you doubt he existed?

 

[Thanks_Yeasties]

There are plenty of other threads by parents around here, gushing about how much they love their kids and whatnot, so rather than crash their party, I wondered if it would be OK to have a thread where those of us who are child-free by choice can relate about how rewarding it is NOT to have kids.

No, apparently it is not OK. haha (see what i did there?)

 

[max384]

Different strokes for different folks.

I have two boys (10 and 12) from a previous marriage. My new wife and I are now trying for one or two more. No doubt that kids are expensive, reduce free time, are a big source of stress, and are great at spilling stuff and messing up a house... But it's also an amazing and rewarding experience that truly can't be experienced any other way. Having (or not having) children is neither right nor wrong. It's a personal choice.

I can certainly see the draw of not having children. I have friends with more free time and money because they're not taking care of children, and that looks very appealing... But then I look at my children and realize it's all worth it.

Keep in mind, too, your life with children is what you make it to be. If you want to quit doing things for yourself and devote yourself entirely to your children, that's your prerogative. However, I think that's a miserable way to live. There's nothing that says you can't both do things for yourself and for your children. As a parent, we can still have fun and do typical kid-less things, but maybe we just can't do them every night. We can still be spontaneous, keep a clean house (though this takes a lot more work, granted), sleep until we're done sleeping (well after the infant years, anyhow), etc. It's all about balance.

I know this may come across as selfish, but I also think of my later life. Having spent a lot of time in nursing homes and around the elderly in generally, I can say as a general rule, those without children aren't visited and aren't as happy when they're older. Of course, there are always exceptions to this, but raising children and starting a family will often pay dividends later in life when we're not able to do the things we used to when we were young.

 

[TinyHands]

As a young father of a young kid, thanks to all the fun uncles and aunts who provide that blessing of an hour of relief!

I have a relative who catches a lot of flak for having made that decision, and I don't understand it. If someone decides they don't want kids, for whatever reason, why put any pressure on them to have kids? It's not like you can just take them back to the store if it doesn't work out.

And I honestly just read the "Speeding Up Brew Day" article thinking I wonder if I could do my next beer after bedtime this way. I'm putting in the time to research no-chill and BIAB for that very reason. I love my kid and wouldn't trade him for anything, but damn it if I don't want to just start heating up the strike water the second I get home from work. For some reason, SWMBO won't let me put him in a carrier while I'm bending over a hot brew kettle... and if I let him run around, he chases the dogs with a racking cane. Oh, to be childless in those moments...

 

[Mismost]

I think that you folks who realized you did not want children, have done children and mankind in general a huge service. Don't want that to sound mean, not meant that way at all. There are so many kids with parents that just don't care about or for their kids. These kids don't get the love, attention, training, or upbringing they deserve....and it shows in the world we live in today.

One of the finest couples I have ever known were childless by choice. He was a wonderful teacher that connected with every kid he ever taught. She was a wonderful listener who "coached" me through some pretty tough times. I am so glad I had them in my life as neighbors. Point being, even if you don't have kids, please try and help every kid you can...you will be rewarded.

 

[NervousDad]

Before my kids were born I could never imagine raising a kids. Now I couldn't imagine not having kids. They run my entire life and I'm fine with that. I'm also glad that many choose not to have kids.

The only thing I miss is the Money! Children consume more money than I could ever have imagined. Just College funds and Daycare we burn about 40k a year. Not to mention food,toys, clothes, sports. We just got the estimated spending for gymnastics for one of my kids, approximately 10k. The things I can do with that extra money....

 

[Homercidal]

With all due respect, and I know you didn't mean it this way, but what you just wrote touches a nerve with me because it implies that couples who choose not to have kids are selfish, while people who procreate are virtuous saints. While I'm sure you're being sincere, I nevertheless seriously doubt that "giving" was the main reason why most parents have kids. Aside from the undoubtedly high proportion that weren't a deliberate decision at all ("Oopsie!"), I believe that those who purposely chose to have kids did so for selfish reasons. Chiefly, because they WANTED to.

There's nothing wrong with that, I just resent when parents imply (or outright accuse) child free couples of being selfish. It suggests that the parents did what they did for the good of humanity, and that would have rather remained child free, but they made a sacrifice for the rest of us and we should shower them with praise and gratitude. Sorry, I'm not buying it. They had kids because first and foremost, they WANTED kids.

Don't get me wrong - we chose not to have kids for equally selfish reasons. I like the life I have and don't want it to change. That's selfish. I love my wife and I don't want to share her. That's selfish. I just resent the implication that parents are virtuous pillars of self-sacrifice, but child free by choice couples are selfish. We're all selfish. That's not a bad thing.

Maybe my choice of words is the problem, or maybe you chose to only read the specific parts that you want to read.

My first sentence was that I respected those that don't want kids. I even said that I didn't want kids.

My statement on giving was in hindsight. I simply listed the positives that came out of our having children, in spite of my initially selfish desire to not have kids. Maybe I should have started that statement with something like, "Looking back now..."

"...I believe that those who purposely chose to have kids did so for selfish reasons. Chiefly, because they WANTED to."

This reads as though it's selfish to want anything, anytime. But if someone wants to give money to a charity, is that selfish? What about driving an elderly neighbor to a doctor appointment? I think that it's unfair to most parents to assume that they spent a lot of money and time and probably emotions on raising kids because they were selfish. There is a price to pay for having kids. I'm guessing the price is the reason most people who don't want kids don't want kids. It's work.

And I can't understand what you mean when you say there is an implication that "(parents) ... made a sacrifice for the rest of us and we should shower them with praise and gratitude." Those parents aren't sacrificing for others. They are sacrificing for their own kids. It has nothing to do with childless couples at all.

But, having kids is kind of expected. Not having kids when you are in a long-term relationship is unusual. I think the natural instinct is to procreate. It's hardly necessary these days, though. We don't even need kids to help man the farm or do the chores anymore. So what's the point of them?

 

[Qhrumphf]

I have joked about wanting kids so i don't have to do dishes any more.

Just saying.

 

[Psylocide]

I have joked about wanting kids so i don't have to do dishes any more.

Just saying.

Ugh... my aunt and uncle started letting my cousins do the dishes when they were like, 3 or 4?

We NEVER ate over there.

Little kids are ****ty dishwashers, is what I'm getting at.

 

[max384]

Ugh... my aunt and uncle started letting my cousins do the dishes when they were like, 3 or 4?

We NEVER ate over there.

Little kids are ****ty dishwashers, is what I'm getting at.

Truth.

But little kids can do a decent job of loading a dishwasher, with some supervision.

 

[1977Brewer]

Ugh... my aunt and uncle started letting my cousins do the dishes when they were like, 3 or 4?

We NEVER ate over there.

Little kids are ****ty dishwashers, is what I'm getting at.

Teenagers are pretty bad at it too.

 

[Qhrumphf]

Yeah, i know. Hence the "joke" part. What with the talk of selfishness and all. I'd suppose it would be selfish to think of kids as chore machines.

 

[Yooper]

I married a man who never wanted children of his own, but when we met I had two small children. It was weird, because he knew when he met me that I had kids and that they were the priority for me. He enjoyed being a step-dad to them, and now he enjoys being a grandpa to two grandsons.

Having kids was a wonderful thing in my life, and it brought great joy to me in thousands of ways. But I can totally see someone not wanting that for themselves. I have some friends who are child-free, and happily so. They have full, rich lives and never wanted or 'needed' children but have been family friends to my kids.

Just like some people want to be engineers or nurses, some people want to have children. It's not "good" or "bad" at all- it just is.

I think we are at a place in society where someone who has 4 kids is much more strongly judged than someone who chooses to remain childless, unlike 25 years ago when a childless person was the one thought to be selfish. I see these days where someone with a bunch of kids is more likely to be thought of as selfish, as there is a definite backlash.

I think most of us are pretty good at accepting other people's lifestyle choices.

 

[azazel1024]

My son had around 50 Reese's Cups left over from his birthday. They're on top of the fridge, but I always make a concerted effort to make sure he is distracted before I snag one.

Eventually I'll get busted and have to find a new stash zone.

My kids are lucky at this age if they end up actually consuming half their halloween candy. If that. Parental tax + sneaking a little here and there.

I mean, it is healthier for them

I certainly respect those who don't want kids. I envy the hell out of them a lot of times too. I look at my brother-in-law and sister-in-law (who do want kids soon) and see their carefree life style. They both work (my wife stays at home with the kids, will probably go back to work full time in 2-3 years). No child expenses. No kids taking up their time. My brother and sister-in-law don't want kids. My sister-in-law likes being an aunt. I think my brother is meh about even being an uncle.

Everyone has their own reasons. I went for short term "loss" for long term gain. A lot of crappy stuff when they are young, like losing free time, losing sleep, extra expenses, loss of income, breaking up fights, not having a clean house for more than 30 minutes, etc. But I get snuggle buddies whenever I want. Someone to read to. Play games with. Talk with whenever I want (and a lot of times when I don't want). Unconditional love (for now, it'll start getting a bit more conditional later). When they are older and adults, hopefully friends. When I am really old, someone to help take care of me and my wife (I don't mean move in with my kids). If my wife dies before me or me before my wife, family to stay in touch with and keep me/her from being completely alone. Etc. I also feel like I am leaving something of myself in the world.

That was my decision and what I felt was important. Do I miss mostly being my own person and doing what I want? Oh hell yeah. When my wife takes the kids to her parents for a few days a couple of times a year without me...it is like heaven. After a couple of days I start to get lonely and miss them though.

When I hear about how my brother-in-law and sister-in-law decided, "Hey, it's Friday. We haven't done anything in a few weeks. Let's take Monday off and go camping in Joshua Tree for a long weekend. Drop the dog off at the Kennel after work and let's go!"...oh hell yes the jealousy is strong in me. I get home and my daughter runs up screaming "DADDY IS HOME!" and gives me a hug around the legs and demands to give me one of her little kisses...hard for anything to beat that.

For me.

I really don't judge people even a little bit on their decisions on kids vs no kids. I value and appreciate kids more than anything. Others value and appreciate other things more. I also choose to have kids very young, other people choose to have them later in life. I do judge that a little bit, only because I know how tiring kids have been in my mid twenties through now early thirties and I think they are friggen crazy when they are having kids in their late thirties or early/mid fourties. Seems crazy coming from a place where I know my oldest will be off to college by the time I am in my mid-fourties and my youngest will have graduated college when I am only in my very early fifties. Hard for me to grok my kid(s) not graduating college until I am in my early sixties or even late sixties. I'd like a few years of working after my kids are all grown up and out of college and I plan to retire by my mid fifties (if I am lucky). But I only judge a little.

To me the only two things I really am jealous of friends/family who don't have kids yet or who have choosen not to have kids ever, is the extra money and the time freedom. I don't begrudge almost anything else. But being able to go "I am going to do X. The only thing stopping me if my significant other has something really important going on then and needs me along. Or I have work, or I made some other plans. Me, they are my other plans". I miss that. A few more years and I can kind of sort of be back to that, but right now I am jealous as hell of that. The money thing too, but not as much as the time freedom.

Lack of a clean house, kids running around, having to help with homework, losing sleep because one of them is sick and I am up all night with them. Meh, doesn't really bother me a whole lot. At least not longer than in the moment.