Beer Jokes

[Cardog]

Anybody have a beer joke? Here is one for ya.

What do sex on the beach and Bud light have in common?

They're both near water!

 

[TomSD]

I usually hear that one as sex in a canoe but same point, lol.

 

[millsware]

Anybody have a beer joke? Here is one for ya.

What do sex on the beach and Bud light have in common?

They're both near water!

I believe you are missing the crucial word in the punchline there.

 

[MattHollingsworth]

From what I remember, the original's from Monty Python. As in, "American beer is like sex in a canoe, f***ing close to water." (back in the days when this was true). Not sure if that's the precise wording though. I think it was Eric Idle that delivered this particular one.

 

[Starderup]

Another oldie but goodie:
Why is American beer served cold?
So you can tell it from urine!

(This is from the pre-Samuel Adams days.)

 

[stevo155]

Anybody have a beer joke? Here is one for ya.

What do sex on the beach and Bud light have in common?

They're both near water!

PG-13 version

 

[stevo155]

What's the difference between a fox and a pig?

About 4 beers...ba da dum

( it was a lot funnier when a buddy of mine said it dressed as a pirate at a halloween party in college, I swear ).

 

[maxamuus]

A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving all over the road. Eventually a cop pulls him over.

"Did you know," says the cop, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

 

[arturo7]

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are sitting at a bar.

A fly lands in the Englishman's glass.
He pushes his beer away.
"I shan't drink this."

A fly lands in the Sctosman's glass.
He pulls out the fly and has drink.
"It's joost a fly."

A fly lands in the Irishman's glass.
He grabs it with his fingers and begins squeezing.
"Spit it out, ya buggah!"

 

[Teromous]

Anybody have a beer joke? Here is one for ya.

What do sex on the beach and Bud light have in common?

They're both near water!

Why don't you make like a tree and get outta here?

 

[zahrndt_usmc]

Theres a beer convention in town, after the convention a budwiser rep, a coors rep, a miller rep, and a sam adams rep go to bar. In the bar the bud rep tells the bartender "ill have the king of beers! get me a budwiser!" The coors rep says "I want a taste of the rockies, give me a coors" The miller rep says "Ill have the champaine of beer! give me a miller" the sam adams rep says "ill have a glass of water" the bartender being confused says dont you want your beer of choice, a sam adams, like your buddies? the sam adams rep says "well i was going to have one, but since theyre not drinking beer, i wont either"
ba dum chink
lol

 

[ArtVandelay]

this thread is an epic fail

 

[Schlenkerla]

this thread is an epic fail

Too many lame G rated jokes!

 

[Franzi]

i liked the wife-at-the-intersection one.

 

[overdrive]

Too many lame G rated jokes!

Post some better ones?

 

[Starderup]

Too many lame G rated jokes!

Think of it as a G string!

 

[Retarded_Penguin_Brewing]

this is probably just in the wrong area, if it were in the drunken ramblings area I'm sure you'd get the "better" stuff.

 

[GaryJohn]

From Homer Simpson (sung to the tune of Do Re Mi)

Dough, The stuff that buys me beer.
Ray, The guy that sells me beer.
Me, The guy who drinks the beer
Far, The distance to my beer.
So, I think I'll have a beer.
La, La la la la la la beer.
Tea, No thanks, I'm drinking beer!
That will bring us back to... (Looks into an empty glass) "D'OH!"

 

[Schlenkerla]

Post some better ones?

Ok - Here is bunch for you guys. My favorite is the one with the cat and taxi driver. Anyone married would like it!!

https://www.homebrewtalk.com/f45/more-jokes-109381/

 

[GaryJohn]

Ok - Here is bunch for you guys. My favorite is the one with the cat and taxi driver. Anyone married would like it!!

https://www.homebrewtalk.com/f45/more-jokes-109381/

There are some good jokes there...but beer jokes they are not.

 

[Schlenkerla]

You are partially correct. Most are not, but there are a few beer jokes there.

 

[dhertel]

At about 3AM, I was drunk as a skunk. I came home just in time to hear the cuckoo clock cuckoo three times. Quickly coming up with a plan, I cuckooed nine more times, hoping my wife would think it was midnight. I was very proud of myself.

The next day, my wife asked what time I got home, and I replied, "Midnight, just like I said."

She said that was good, and for some reason she said we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked why, she answered, "Last night when it cuckooed midnight, it cuckooed three times, said '****!,' cuckooed four more times, farted, cuckooed three times, cleared its throat, cuckooed two more times and then started giggling."

 

[dhertel]

A woman walks into a bar with a duck on her arm. The guy sitting next to her says "Where did you get that pig?" The woman says "you fool. That's not a pig it's a duck." The guy says "I was talking to the duck."

 

[dhertel]

This woman is sitting in a bar, wearing a tube top. She has never shaved her armpits in her entire life, so as a result, she has a thick black bush under each arm. Every 20 minutes, she raises her arm up and flags the bartender for another drink. This goes on all night exposing her hairy pits every time she raises her arm. Near the end of the night, the drunk at the end of the bar says to the bartender, "Hey, I'd like to buy the ballerina a drink". The bartender replies, "What makes you think she's a ballerina?" The drunk says, "Any girl that can life her leg that high HAS to be a ballerina!"



A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. After a couple of sips he looks up and sees a woman sitting at the end of the bar. He calls the bartender over and says he'd like to buy the lady a drink. The bartender says "Listen pal, let me save you some trouble. She's a lesbian". The guy takes a second, thinks it over, shrugs his shoulders and says "that's ok. I'd like to buy her a drink anyway." So the bartender brings the woman her drink. The woman lifts her glass and gives the man a nod of thanks. The guy gets up from his bar stool and saunters over to the woman. As he's sitting down on the stool next to her he says "So, what part of Lesbia are you from?"

 

[MindenMan]

Never marry a moonshiners daughter, she'll make you liquor every night.

 

[JonM]

A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer.


And a mop.

 

[smccarter]

A man setting at the bar watching television, and drinking a nice craft beer, sees a public address add... It's one with Smokey the Bear, about preventing forest fires.

After a period of time, he asks the bartender... "Why do you suppose Smokey the Bear doesn't have any children?"

The bartender thinks on it for a good while and replies... "I'm guessing that every time his wife gets hot, he throws dirt on her and hits her in the head with a shovel."

 

[dkwolf]

From Homer Simpson (sung to the tune of Do Re Mi)

Dough, The stuff that buys me beer.
Ray, The guy that sells me beer.
Me, The guy who drinks the beer
Far, The distance to my beer.
So, I think I'll have a beer.
La, La la la la la la beer.
Tea, No thanks, I'm drinking beer!
That will bring us back to... (Looks into an empty glass) "D'OH!"

I've heard this as:

Dos, a beer, a mexican beer.
Ray, the guy behind the bar.
Me, the guy, I buy beer for,
Far, a long way to get beer.
So, let's go have a beer.
La, la la la la la la la
Tea, no thanks I'll have a beer
And that brings us back to Dos dos dos dos...

 

[agrazela]

What do sex on the beach and Bud light have in common?

They both make everybody around here get sand in their vag?

or,

I did both last night........

WITH YO MOMMA!

 

[JohnSand]

I'm kind of sorry I read this thread.
I think I need a beer!