Your problem is that you're stuck on lagers. you can't go very low og with bottom fermenting yeast and expect to not get water. If you switch to ale yeast on the other hand and do a super session, a kettle or mash soured berliner, gose, or kvass that's teeming with flavor yet clocks in around 2.5%
"Lacto is both incredibly hop and alcohol intolerant".
Um no, lacto is incredibly intolerant of hop AA's. This is why most instructions for using lacto in the fermenter tell you to go no higher than 5 IBU
I do a small bitter charge(usually warrior) at 60, then a big aroma whirlpool at 150F for 15min, cool and throw it in the fermenter and hit it up with dry hops 3 days before bottling with excellent results. This adds all the flavor and aroma with less exposure to O2 and less risk of infection...
3 days is the sweet spot for each dry hop addition. But the 5 biggest keys to great IPA's are:
1)purge
2)Purge
3)PURGE
4)PURGE!!!
5)keep it in suspension
Can't stress it enough, O2 is the enemy. Purge the fermenter before and after adding wort, anytime it's opened, when racking on dry hops...
you guys got nothing on unique: http://brewology101.com/AleAbacus/20457/WILD-DARK-WIT. http://brewology101.com/AleAbacus/20151/war-head-Berliner http://brewology101.com/AleAbacus/19935/corn-dog http://brewology101.com/AleAbacus/17681/sweet-potato-beer...