The "Dear" , "Sincerely" thread

Dear Untappd user,

Thank you for turning my hobby into an obnoxious hipster pissing contest. I used to love just chatting about beer and making it, now I'm expected to prove how "beer" I am by revealing my Untappd medal status.

Sincerely,

Guy who's last refuge from social media has been unfortunately compromised.

P.S.
Get off my lawn.

 

Dear people who live in small mountain towns:

I'm trying to enjoy the clean mountain air and relax a little. Sorry for nor driving 85 mph constantly while visiting your little town while spending hundreds or thousands of dollars at your local family owned businesses. If you're in such a ****ing hurry I know a place you might fit in well: the large city I just left so I could unwind for awhile.

Sincerely, everyone who's ever tried to take a deep breath and relax for a moment.


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Dear Clients,
You drive me to drink.
Sincerely
Consultant

 

Dear HR,

Please never review my internet history.

Sincerely,

Anonymous

 

Dear Machine Shop,

Stop spilling coffee on my drawings. I will cut you so bad and ruin your lives with impossible tolerances.

Sincerely,

The guy that spends long hours making the drawings you destroy.

 

Dear fellow drivers --
If someone behind you flashes their lights or honks their horn, YOU'RE DRIVING TOO FSCKING SLOW!!! (In Georgia the law states you are to move over for other drivers who want to go faster...too many people don't follow THAT law either!)

 

Dear Drunk Tourist,

Get the f*** off of my bike. That motorcycle in the parking lot is not some part of the attraction/tourist trap you are visiting. It is my personal means of conveyance, which I use to get here every day. You're lucky I'm the type of person that offers a polite warning first instead of just unceremoniously knocking you on your ass. Enjoy the rest of your visit.

Sincerely,

Guy who works here

P.S. - I'll be waiting for you in the driver's seat of your car when you get back, just to see how you like it. Sorry about all the broken glass, but you should've thought to leave me a key.

 

Dear everyone at work,

My brain does not function until either, 10 am or 2 cups of coffee.

Sincerely,
Not a morning person

 

Dear Apple,
Listing "Cloud photo storage" as a feature and marketing it may not be a good idea less than 2 weeks after a bunch of your clients were victims of a very public hack.

Sincerely
Non-marketer.

 

Dear Head Brewer at CAP brewery,
What's the point of using cascade and amarillo in a beer if I can't taste them?

Sincerely
Scele.

 

Dear Average Microbrew/CraftBrew/Beer Fest Attendee,

You do not actually know what good beer tastes like, so stop imparting your sophomoric opinion on people who actually know what they're talking about--you're annoying. Picking up a sixer of Boston Lager does not make you a beer connoisseur. Anyone who thinks that Sam Adams is a good example of a craft beer, a craft beer, or a good beer in general should be waterboarded with aforementioned Boston filth until they come to Jesus. Please leave the festival and study up on how beer is supposed to taste and leave the actual sampling to the professionals.

Sincerely,
All of Us

p.s. You also can't hold your liquor because you've been downing [insert crappy name here] light for your whole life. Yet another reason that you need to drink good beer.

 

Proposed rule change: You can only make statements about how well you hold liquor after having whiskey or moonshine.

 

Well luckily for me, it is after 11 a.m. on a Friday

 

Dear Beer Snobs,

Lighten up, it's just beer and you're no better than anyone else- no matter how much more you think you know about craft beer than everyone else.

Sincerely,

Average craft beer fan


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Dear Jim Koch,

I'm a bit of a beer snob, and I just found out recently that I REALLY like Boston Lager. But I hate that the label says that it was the first recipe you ever tried and haven't changed it since. Lucky bastard.

Sincerely,
A New Fan of Boston Lager

 

Dear NFL Owners,

Could one of you please hire Jon Gruden as a coach so we don't have to listed to his annoying a#$ every Monday night?

Sincerely,
NFL Fans everywhere

 

Dear beerfest/Oktoberfest bathroom campers and 'grunters':

If I wanted to wait 10 minutes to hit the head I'd get in the ladies' line.

Sincerely,
People with fiber in their diets

 

Dear housekeeping,

Please quit putting 1/2 ply toilet paper in the bathrooms....the majority of my diet is protein supplemented with beer.

Sincerely,
Guy who uses the Think n Stink


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Dear Toilet,
I'm gonna decimate you.

Sincerely,
Butt

 

Dear Butt,
I'm sorry I decimated you.

Sincerely, To Many Bottles Of Oxygen And Welding Gas

 

Dear Taste Buds,

Thank you for allowing me to still taste my beer and not have to hop the hell out of it to impart flavor.

Sincerely
Enjoyer of Malt Flavored Beer

 

Dear WTF Are You Babbling About,

What?!?

Sincerely,
Butt

 

Dear IPA haters,

Stop hatin' on hop heads just because you don't like hops. We don't give you a hard time for being only into malt do we? Do you really feel better about yourself because you think you have a more "refined" pallet? Sheesh.

Sincerely,

Fan of many beer styles




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Dear Beer,

How can I be so thirsty this morning after drinking so many of you last night?

Sincerely,
Hungover

 

Dear IPA lovers,

Pass me another beer.

Sincerely,
Where's My Beer?

 

Dear yeast,
Keep doing your thing.

Sincerely,
A grateful homebrewer

 

Dear Big Man,

Please stop beating me like I owe you money.

Sincerely, Your Little Man

 

Dear beerfest/Oktoberfest campers and grunters,

Why are you taking a dump at a beer festival? That's just poor planning.

Sincerely,
Someone with hygiene

 

Dear New Brewers,

It's ok. You don't need to secondary.

Sincerely,
Guy with one fermenter

 

Dear bathtub of cold water,

We've had some good times together. We've made some quality beer. Unfortunately you're holding back my potential. I think it's time for me to move on. Don't blame yourself, you've done your very best.

Sincerely,
Guy with immersion cooler in the mail.

 

Dear Every Welder Eventually,

I am coming for you. You can not hide. I will find you.

Sincerely, Hemorrhoids

 

Dear MSDS,

You really need to list hemorrhoids as a side effect of using welding rod and/or welding wire. Obviously it comes from the smoke produced.

Sincerely,
FOX News

 

Dear Bears Fans,
Your team still sucks.
Sincerely, PFISD

 

Dear overly ambitious brewer,

We regretfully must decline accepting the position of taste test dummy for your latest creation. While we assume somebody may like it, the thought of your pumpkin/ coriander/ vanilla/ pomegranate/ kumquat (yes, it's really fermented in a kumquat) with musk ox bladder secondary beer made us throw up a little in our mouths.

Sincerely,
Reinheitsgebot Enforcement Department

 

Dear Beer!

Sincerely!

 

Dear Rodney,

I don't think I like you anymore

'cuz when ya gets to drinkin, you put me places I've never been before.

 

Dear Adrian Peterson Jersey,

You'll not be seeing the outside of my closet anytime soon, perhaps ever.

Sincerely,

Sad Vikings fan


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Dear girl that tolerates me,
Last weekend was phenomenal.
Also thank you for letting me neglect you to play with my stupid toys.
Now that I think about it thank you for helping me bottle today.
Sincerely your jackass

 

Dear Packers Fans,
The record is 93–89–6, Bears. Make sure that you do a Discount Double Check on your smack talk next time. Maybe all the cheese has skewed your thought process.

Sincerely,
A Bears Fan

 

Dear Friends,

Your beer consumption effort at my wife's birthday party was above my expectations. Thank you for clearing out my back stock and freeing up empties. I now have guaranteed bottling capacity for at least my next two brews.

Sincerely,
-Jason


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