I love puns!

We just hired a molecular biologist. Man, is he small!

 

How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!

 

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.

He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

 

I work in IT, which has all sorts of jargon and acronyms. One of these is OID (short for object identifier). One day, after completing a massive data update and restructure, we found our search tool was returning the wrong OIDs under certain circumstances.

No one appreciated my suggestion that until the problem was fixed, instead of simply displaying bad data, we also display a picture of Alec Guinness along with the message "These aren't the OIDs you're looking for".

 

*Sir Alec Guinness, thankyouverymuch!

But yeah, my Droid X has wifi hotspot capabilities and the network name is "Not the Droid you're looking for"

 

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

 

It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.

 

One of my new (stolen) favorites.

What do you call assault with an Indian flat-bread?

Naan violence.

 

Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

 

You all need to be sent to the punitentiary!

 

That seems like fair punishment.

 

.

 

Not a pun but very funny:

 

I'm still laughing at this one!

 

I'm totally stealing this!!!

 

The king of a tribe on a remote desert island died, his only heir being a young boy. Tribal tradition dictated that the boy not ascend to the kingship for another ten years or so, and also that no one should sit on the throne until he came of age.

Since the throne wasn't going to be used for a while, it was tucked away in the loft of the young boy's grass hut. Unfortunately, it was too heavy, and fell, killing the king-to-be.

Moral: People who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.

 

Nice!

 

We had a flu bug that was going through work, being passed from one employee to another, working it's way through everyone. Nobody liked when I referred to it as the staff infection.

 

The chief of a nation of First People was getting on in years before the days of cell phones. The tribe quickly decided that he would need to have a phone in each room of his modest house in case he collapsed or otherwise needed assistance. An electrician was dispatched, and he installs phones in each room, the bathroom last.

He told the chief he was going to go next door and call him so as to test the new phones. As he was leaving, the chief decided he had to go, so into the bathroom he went, and that is where he picked up the newly working phone.

The electrician, that day, became the first Indian to dial a-head for a reservation.

 

What's brown and sticky?






A stick.

 

Excellent work all around.

My wife and I have argued over puns since we started dating: I say that puns are the highest form of humor, she says they are humor's ass.

 

Would the poor German girl who rates dead last at a wet t-shirt contest have knockworsts?

 

My sister texted me a picture of my nephew hugging and kissing a marble female statue in the park. He's little. Her comment was 'Should I be worried about this?'

After thinking 'I hope there isn't any pidgeon crap on that statue', I responded with 'Nah - he's just attracted to 'stautesque' women'.

She retorted with 'I see your awesome sense of humor is still intact'. I think that was sarcasm, but I can't be sure because there was no emoticon.

 

Any fan of puns should read Spider Robinson's Callahan books.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Callahan's_Crosstime_Saloon

 

I was going to mention them myself if this thread were to die down again...it only stands to reason.

If you don't get that reference, you need to google 'Spider Robinson it only stands to reason'. Don't wait, do it right now.

 

Horticulture in an Iris bar?

Thank you! not just for the puns... a new to me author.

 

I wish I could read Spider Robinson for the first time again.

 

In honor of today - Opunning Day - here's a good one from Stephan Pastis. The wife considers him a bad influence on me:

 

Ha!

 

Piers Anthony is another author you might like: Has one titled "Isle of View" and another "Crewel Lye a Caustic Yarn"

 

I worked with a guy named Dutch Plant everyone called him Tulip. true story.

 

I once tossed a chicken leg to my wife, and she caught it. It was like poultry in motion.