Funny things you've overheard about beer

not this thread.

 

Please try to stay on topic

 

Wait...there's a topic? 😊

 

Explaining that would be like chopping up a frog.

 

Is the frog still alive?

 

Does anyone else have the urge to cook frog legs for dinner tonight?

 

I believe I'll fry up some of the holy grail of amphibian meat and wash it down with the holy grail of IPAs.

 

yum frog legs

 

My nominee for "Post Of The Month".

Cheers!

 

Hmmm...dead frogs...I wonder if I could make beer out of that?

 

you need to do a cereal mash.

 

I had a really terrible joke about the French and then I thought better.

 

thanks for clearing that up I hate to waste Kermit needlessly

 

OK, let's finish up the partial mash chapter of Home Brewing Without Failures (cutting edge homebrewing recipes from 1965!) with *drum roll* Bravery's Best Bitter

Ingredients (4 gallon recipe):
-4 lb crystal malt (will count it as English caramalt as that's as good guess as any).
-2 lb golden syrup (this guy is incredibly arbitrary about what sugar to use, switching between glucose, golden syrup and table sugar without any reasons given).
-2 lb white sugar (but of course).
-5 oz hops (am assuming Fuggles because the author is English).
-Level teaspoon salt (salt is yeast nutrient, don't ya know?)
-1/4 oz citric acid (why?).
-Yeast (am assuming Safale English yeast or something similar).
-Nutrient.

WHY! WHY! Would you use FOUR POUND of crystal malt? WHY? Also perhaps using some base malts would be a good idea.

Here the 3 oz hops are boiled for 5 minutes instead of 1 minute like in all the other partial mash recipes and then simmer for 40 and then 2 oz more are simmered for 10 minutes. As before, not sure how exactly to count "simmering" so as a wild ass guess I'm assuming that it has 75% of normal hop oils extraction.

For this calculation I'm going to do what I should've done before an enter in the **** ton of caramalt in as steeping grains instead of mash since he's basically doing a ginormous steep as there's no base malts.

So let's enter this beast in:
Original gravity 1.042 Final Gravity: 1.011 ABV: 4.17% IBU: 37.05 SRM: 8.71 Matches Style: not really, but closest yet!

Makes we wonder what something would taste like with a pound of crystal per gallon and why anyone would describe that as "bitter."

Next chapter: mock beers, in which Bravery dispenses with the pretense of making beer and embraces the production of hop-flavored hooch.

 

Thank you for the funny!

 

Does he discuss what is actually meant by a "failure"?

 

Not directly, but it's heavily implied that he's referring to his predecessors who were even worse at brewing than he is.

The most hilarious part of his book is his attitude of "well back in the bad old days people didn't have a ****ing clue what they were doing and did horrible **** like use baking yeast but NOW we've got it DOWN and we can make some real beer! Base malts? What are base malts? Onward with the 100% crystal malt recipes! Don't forget to skim off your krausen!"

 

And in 60 years homebrewers will be laughing at us. Want to give them more fodder with a (yet another) glass v plastic debate?

 

Ahh, yes. Some of the great homebrewing debates.
Glass v plastic
Stainless v aluminum
All grain v extract
Dry yeast v liquid yeast
And I'm sure I'm forgetting some.

 

One that died down a while back: "how necessary is a secondary?" It wasn't that long ago that the old 1/2/3 rule had legs and people tried to get the beer into secondary the second that the beer hit FG.

 

Thank you! I knew I was forgetting a big one.
Secondary v no secondary

 

Here are some others you might have missed: http://www.homebrewtalk.com/showthread.php?t=510262

 

Breakfast stout maybe?!?!??

 

No, it's not a reservation, but it is a small town where everything must be flown in, hence the high prices ($300 for a 24).

I did seek approval for my brewing supplies. Since I'm not on their blacklist, and since I'm related to one of the committee member's wife, approval was swift.
All they asked was that I not sell my product, and that I don't share any with the blacklisters.

Nothing is heavily taxed, but shipping is what kills ya. Amazon recently changed their shipping policies for remote locations. So now that we don't get free shipping with Prime, my co-worker pays $160 shipping for a $40 box of diapers. Now that I no longer order my canned extracts via Amazon, I've been thinking of having friends in Ottawa or Edmonton ship them up via air cargo with my employee benefits to get cheap shipping.

 

Here's the quote I was thinking about before (but was at work away from my book):

"If the trend (toward more homebrewing) continues, and I can safely predict that it will because we are no longer working in the dark with only hearsay and near-witchcraft to guide us, there will be hardly a household in the country not making some sort of beverage."

Dear god, I shudder to think of what Bravery would characterize as "hearsay and near-witchcraft" brewing. Baker's yeast I'm sure, but what other horrors? What was homebrewing like in the 40's or 50's?

 

Planning a drinking session with a fellow homebrewer for Thursday with stuff he brought back from a recent US trip when he said this:
"You should probably bring something lighter so we can switch around, like those three barrell aged breakfast stouts you have. Those are only 7,5%, right?"
I only than realized how mental the stuff we are gonna drink actually is and had a stupid laugh.

Before someone asks, it will include Dogfish Head 120min (this threads favorite IPA/Barley Wine) and Evil Twins Molotov Cocktail Simcoe Single Hop.

 

Not so much a funny story or overheard misinformation, but it's just so sad it makes me laugh. This is a list of any word used to indicate flavour on the Ontario Beer Store's "Top 10" page. Even BMC nuts would have to admit to the ridiculousness of how this seems. The way it sounds, Ontario is a tropical climate that prefers nothing more flavourful than a 7 Up?

refreshing
distinctive
refreshing
smooth
refreshing
authentic
smoothness
drinkability
easy drinking
clean
crisp
easy drinking
crisp
smooth
fine
clean
crisp
pronounced hop- Keith's for the save...
refreshing
unparalleled- Really, Corona?

 

I'll take one of these, that sounds amazing.

 

the other day I got a can of Sir Walter Raleigh. when I opened it, our 4 y/o wanted to smell it. he said, "It smells like a sour beer." not thinking I heard him correctly, I asked him what he said. he replied very sternly, "I said it smells good like a sour beer!" I made him repeat it again for my wife later that night. I'm so damn proud!

 

Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.

 

I know that sense of pride. My nine year old loves measuring hops and smelling the kettle as they're added.
The downside is when we were in the beer aisle of our local supermarket she read a label that said the beer was hopped with citra. She called to me " ooh dad this has citra in it......should be nice and hoppy. Do you want some?"
You should have seen the looks other shoppers were giving me.

 

Reminds me of the times I'm talking to my older son @ Giant eagle, who's the frozen manager, talking with his buddy who manages the beer cooler. We'll all be talking about craft beers, & I see folks picking out the ones we're discussing. And to think my homebrews got him started on his craft beer journey. Gotta dig that. I also taught him pit bbq, like pop taught me. It's sorta funny, when I'm outside bbqing by the garage, seeing cars going up the street, & returning 20-some minutes later. Or circling around, slowing down while passing my house...

 

Was just leafing through the glossary of Homebrewing Without Failure and hit:

"Crystal malt - see pale malt"

That explains a lot.

Will post a bit from the next chapter where he goes on a lengthy complaint about the ignorance of brewers in the bad old days. Is hilarious. But at work now

 

Wow.

But that would only 'splain a very little bit of a relentless horror show...

Cheers!

 

Still that doesn't justify 1 pound of white sugar per gallon of wort

 

I would say that he wants it to be rocket fuel but then there is the rule about it being no higher than, what was it, 4.5%? Must be because without it the beer is too clean.

 

The author probably started the broken hydro thread.

 

Yeah, the recipes are basically beer-flavored sugar hooch. My father (the one who gave me the book) got in a few days a go and watch me brew up a saison and was very confused by the complete lack of sugar.

However, when he started telling me stories about his original beer recipes, the book started to make more sense. He started with boiling any kind of grain on hand (not mashing, just boiling) and then throwing in sugar and baker's yeast. If you start THAT way then even this piece of **** book is a massive massive step up which made him overlook its many many flaws.

Also apparently his Swedish berry wines were pretty good.

 

Hilarious!

Cheers!

 

Wait Swedish wines made with berries? Or wines made with Swedish berries TM the gummy kind