Funny things you've overheard about beer

roflmmfao

 

Well, actually... that sounds like porn. Not something that should go into beer.

 

Flying is easy enough - just fall and miss the ground entirely!

I think I need some Old Janx Spirit... or a good Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster. Sorry.

 

Lighten up already!

 

rolling-on-the-floor goat berry headbutt! my mama's so fat we lost 3 spelunkers looking for her boyfriend. Monica Seles back hand berry slap! our oldest was with me in the liquor store. he saw Shock Top and said, "Why don't you drink that beer? It's for punk rockers." I replied, "No, son. That's for sissies and style biters." mosh pit pants party surprise berry assault!! I got in an argument with an old ex-drunk yesterday about beer. he claimed that he could blindfold me and and take any 2 beers in the world side by side and there is no way that I could tell the difference. then he started back peddling the more I kept talking. social chode uppercut!

 

I was reading this book about anti-gravity and I just couldn't put it down!

 

Disagree. Physics is funny which is why I love watching the 3 stooges.

 

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I tipped over a glass and beer fell into my mouth. Thank you physics! but what I gather is that if I were on the seabed then beer would fall to my mouth quicker. Looks like I'm going underwater...

But seriously, we're gonna have to learn how to brew beer while in free fall. When we have to leave earth do you really think we're gonna go that long without beer??? That's just scary. I suggest the ISS starts studying yeast behavior in orbit.

 

We need to learn about fluid dynamics to understand the vortex bottle.

 

Sorry, but an 11 year old beat you to it.

http://www.space.com/23141-space-beer-student-space-station-experiment.html

 

I understand it, I just don't get it.

 

At least we got a head start on it. Somebody buy that kid a beer!

 

I'm betting the astronauts hope that experiment works out too!

Although that leads to an unpleasant vicious cycle:

Astronauts make beer.
Astronauts drink beer.
Astronauts pee more frequently.
Pee water is filtered and used to make more beer...


Edit: Before the "well, actually"s roll in...yes, I realize they already recycle wastewater on the ISS, and the brewing process will further purify the water.

 

Yes but wouldn't that view just be so much better with a beer in hand?

 

Ground control to Major Tom,
Put that beer down & turn the engines on.
Check the bottle holder & may God's love be with you.
This is ground control to major Tom, the papers want to know what beer you drink?
This is major Tom,
And I'm feeling very buzzed today!
Floating up here,
amongst all the empty tin cans,
I hope this F***** thing knows which way to go?...
My beer is flat,
I spilled some on the controls,
there's something wrong!
Can you F***'s hear me down there?!
Dammit, that's wet!
Aw, sonofa****, I spilled it again!
Mutherf*****, where's the space towels?

 

Never forget your towel!

 

The one time I tried Dark Lord, I thought it just tasted like soy sauce. I definitely know what you mean

 

Only an un-hoopy frood would not know where his towel is at all time.



-slym

 

Towel Day is May 25th. And I'm as hoopy as they come

 

A friend of mine is a packaging engineer/designer. He told me that they couldn't make the vortex bottle to work the way they claim it works (faster pour). The channels would have to go from bigger to smaller or vice versa, I don't remember which. But they couldn't make the bottles that way with current equipment and processes. So the beer does not actually poor any faster.

 

Whoa whoa whoa there...so you're saying the whole thing is...A MARKETING SCHEME?!?!

 

George Carlin would be proud

 

Or they better know something about intake port/combustion chamber design. The vortex bit has been studied & tested at Ford, for example, since I was still working. I've even done something of the kind porting heads in the past. But I'd have to see this thing in action against a regular one to compare...

 

If the mountains don't turn blue how will we ever know if our beer is cold?

 

I have a blue marker I use to color in some mountains on all the bottles and cans I buy. After a little time in the fridge, they're always cold!

 

Let hit Homebrewing Without Failure again (1965 homebrewing guide):

Realizing that the recipes are two gallon recipes makes it even moe scary when you see stuff like two pounds of sugar or two pounds of patent malt.
-He's recommending citric acid in a "Light Mild Aie." Is that done?
-Tea in a "Pale Bitter." I've thought about using tea in beer but recommending it in a basic extract recipe for newbies seems a bit strange.
-For the extract stouts the only coloring is coming from caramelized DME, brown sugar and treacle. But don't worry, there's be plenty of dark grains once we hit the all grain recipes.
-Here he's recommending a 15 minute boil for the hops, which is better than the 1 minute boil he recommended before.
-The "Light Lager" has no mention of using different yeast and ferments at the same temperature as the ales.
-The "Continental Dark Beer" uses gravy browning for coloring.
-Finally the Brown Ale calls for dark DME, weird he didn't use that for any of the other beers. Recommends putting liquorice in the brown ale.

And that's the end of the extract brewing chapter, next week is All Grain.

Let's analyze what these recipes get us...

So many of them call for caramelized DME which I can't enter into the Beer Recipe Calculator so let's go with the pale bitter and ignore the tea and the citric acid:

I'm using some standard Safale English ale yeast and assuming the hops are fuggles since there's no information about strain.

Results:
Original gravity: 1.098 Final Gravity: 1.024 ABV: 9.6% IBU: 55.38 SRM: 11.65

Woof, now that is a beer. He also recommends bottling when the hydrometer hits 1.005, which might be a problem. A 15 minute boil of old school hops doesn't sound like much but I guess using 4 ounces in a two gallon recipe makes up for that.

Any brave soul want to brew a 2 gallon batch with:
2.5 lb DME, 4 oz hops (15 minute boil), 2 lb brown sugar, 2 pints fresh strong tea, teaspoon citric acid, teaspoon salt, yeast and nutrient. Come on! It'll be for history!

Meanwhile his "super strong ale" clocks in at 12% ABV. I'm surprised he has yeast that can handle stuff like 2.5 pounds of brown sugar in a two gallon batch.

Tune in next time for his far crazier AG recipes.

 

I love this stuff. Thank you for doing this.

He probably uses copious amounts of bread yeast!

 

Ha! Wish I could figure out how to Like this from my phone. Looking forward to AG recipes. You think this guy was a nut case, or was that the best info a home brewer could get?

 

I think the author was primarily a wine (especially English fruit wine) guy and is stumbling around a bit with beer. But I really think this was about as good as it got back then which is why the Joy of Homebrewing by Papizan is as influential as it is as it really did a lot to take the hobby out of the dark ages. My father swore by this book in the 80`s and apparently made some drinkable beer.

Also think this book suffers terribly from bad editing as it contradicts itself a lot. For example the recipes would make MUCH more sense with a lot more water as right now they`re literally impossible to follow as as two gallon batches threy`ll NEVER get down to the Final Gravity he recommends for bottling.

On the other hand he seems to be using large amounts of noble hops for very short boils with what sounds like hop bursting here and what sounded a lot like doing a hop stand earier. Which, if he`s using big handfuls of English traditional hops would be quite tasty and cover up a lot of the rest of his brewing sins.

In his defense he recommends strongly against using baker`s yeast, mostly due to its poor flocculation. What really makes me scared is his warning against the techniques of the previous generation of home brewers who apparently did stuff like use bread yeast and were even WORSE.

 

My mom (who is also a craft beer drinker) told me about a good one she saw on Facebook. A guy commented on a beer post saying that breweries only make IPAs when the beer is starting to go bad. So they dump in a bunch of hops to cover the flavor of old beer.
What an idiot.

 

I went to a byob party last night and was visiting with three friends I hadn't seen in a long time. They were all drinking miller lite, I mentioned I had some craft beer if anyone wanted to try one and they all said they hated craft beer. I said at least you didn't try one and pour it out.

 

I'm slowly getting the opposite responses. Old school mates know I write books & are learning I home brew. Some wanna sample my wares at the 40th reunion this July. Gunna take a mixed case & see what happens these days versus yesteryear.

 

You mean there's no cream in Genny Cream Ale?

 

I was with friends who should know better, which made this totally unexpected and hilarious to me. My brother in law said he'd had this habanero beer that was way too spicy and burned his throat. One of our other friends recommended that you have to have a milk stout handy to wash something like that down. I thought he was joking. He was not. Everyone seemed to think it a good idea.

 

I don't know what sort of info was available in '65, but I started brewing in the late 70's using a book called "The Art of Making Beer" by Stanley F. Anderson (copyright 1971). It wasn't near as bad as this guy's book, but still had a good amount of bad advice. The problem was that there was no way to verify that the info was OK - no Google!

All the recipes were extract; some with crystal malt and adjuncts such as sugar and molasses. Almost all of the recipes were said to have an FG of 1.000, which frustrated the hell out of me. Crystal malt was crushed with a rolling pin and added to the boil - oh yeah! Ales were fermented with aerobic yeast which needed plenty of oxygen, while lagers used anaerobic yeast and it was necessary to exclude all oxygen.

There weren't many ingredients available other than canned extract, a couple kinds of crystal malt, some stale hops, and packets of either lager or ale yeast. It was the dark ages for sure!

 

This makes me wonder how much knowledge of brewing was lost and how much was it just that a whole lot of homebrewing before the 1990's or so was deeply weird by modern standards with stuff like west country white ale (which uses dough made of flour and eggs set under the window to collect wild yeast as a starter) being common. Was there a time in the past where small scale beer production produced good beer? Some of the old recipes are so scary (with stuff like people letting mold grow on the wort and then straining it out) it makes you wonder.

Here in Korea you kind of have a compressed version of the history of makgeolli brewing (makgeolli is a rice "beer" with bacteria to give is a sour taste).

Traditionally it was made and drunk fresh since with low ABV and now hops or anything else as a preservative it gets funky fast. This made producing and distributing it in industrial quantities hard so the modern nasty version of soju (which tastes like terrible vodka mixed 50/50 with sugar water) started pushing it aside with cheap lager coming in later to appeal to people who didn't want drinks that taste like industrial cleaner despite being a lot more heavily taxed than soju.

Just recently makgeolli has been making a comeback but it's not the real stuff, it's a lot smoother and less sour and isn't properly lumpy. Right now we have a revival of makgeolli homebrewing going on at the same time that old school present production is just barely hanging on in a few places among really old farmers while in the UK and America peasant-style homebrewing pretty much died off before things revived which lead to a dark age with crap like these books.

 

I heard you shouldn't have more than 2 beers a night. That's just crazy talk!

 

maybe 3

 

You're nothing but a quitter if you stop at 3!!