Conducting business over the phone

I've been an executive assistant for major multi-national corporations for the past 12 years, so perhaps my standards are a bit high...

but...

People conducting business transactions over the phone, for a large part, appear to have very little idea how to do so. Everyone from Time Warner, to the doctor's office, to the local restaurant simply dont know the basics. It's a shame, and I for one am tired of it. Had I pulled some of the crap people do every day just ONCE I would have been shaking a cup inside the hour. Below I have sketched out some helpful guidelines.

It all starts with the answer. The phone rings at your place of business, and someone must answer it.

If it is business hours DO NOT LET IT GO TO VOICEMAIL. Hear me there, world? If I call the diner and get "welcome to the Greasy Spoon, please leave your..." I'm going elsewhere. You're the only game in town? I'll order next time, but I hate you.

Now, who to answer? The aging server who doesnt speak English? No. The host who started today and is working unsupervised? No again. Your 9-year old granddaughter is a definite absolute no as well. I don't think its cute to try to explain to a child what it is I need in a business setting, no matter how cute they might be. An employee (or owner) who can dedicate their attention to the call? Perfect.

Now, how to answer?

"Hello?" Noooooooo. Have I called Fartknocker and Fartknocker attorneys at law or the 5 hour photo department of Kinkos in Botswana. I have no idea. "Hello, Mohandas Johnson Ass-Carbunkle Clinic of the Greater Bay Area!" Yes. Asking if this is the Ass-Carbunkle clinic wastes valuable time I could be using to describe the nature of my ass carbunkles to the 22 year old medical assistant. YOU get the greeting out of the way and we can move on to the next piece of business, and I can go about my life sometime the same day.

Finally, if you have a bad connection, tell me so. DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES MAKE ME REPEAT MYSELF MORE THAN TWICE. Got that? Just ask me to call back, or offer to call back. Find a more quiet place to speak. Anything. Its ridiculously frustrating. If you are hard of hearing and refuse to get a hearing aid work "in the back" and stay the hell away from the phones.

This isnt rocket science. Pick up the phone, greet the customer, answer any question to the best of your ability or take a detailed message (with return phone number) and thats that. Of course, what do I know, I've only been doing it longer than your adorable granddaughter has been breathing the frigging air.

AHHHHHHGGGGGHHH!!!!!

*sigh* it will pass.

 

The recipients mailbox is full. Please call again.

 

Haha...I have so many phone pet peeves. Is it acceptable if I answer my office phone "John Doe..."if my name is also in the name of the business? That is the semi-lazy habit I've noticed I've picked up. I assume if my extension is ringing, the caller is looking for me and is confident they got the right number when I say my name.


Sent from here, because that's where I am.

 

Followed two days later by a call from "recipient" in which they yell at you for not returning his/her call...


Sent from here, because that's where I am.

 

If you get transferred a call, and the person transferring you the call tells you who it is, dont f*cking answer as if you have no idea who is on the line.

"Mark! MR Assophone is on the line!"

"This is Mark, can I help you? OH! Mr Asssophone! Hello!"

NO

I am left wondering why the b!tch bothered to ask my name, or why Mark pretended that she didn't.


If you answer my call, then identify me (social, address, whatever), and then decide that I need to talk to another department, then transfer me, and they have to re-identify me......then either:

You work for a sh!tty, technologically impaired company (TIME WARNER)

OR, you are a sh!tty employee who did not bother to transfer my info.

Either way...


BAD BAD BAD

 

I hate when I answer the phone and say ""Hello, Mohandas Johnson Ass-Carbunkle Clinic of the Greater Bay Area, how can I help you?" and the customer says "Hello?" then I say "Hi, this is Mohandas Johnson Ass-Carbunkle Clinic, what can I do for you?" And they say, "What company is this?"

It makes me want to say "Look, lady. I have already told you twice, what do you want?" but instead I just say "This is Mohandas Johnson Ass-Carbunkle Clinic." for a third time.

 

I answer the phone as random other departments or entirely different businesses.

 

I frequently drop a deuce while on the phone. my mom hates it when I send pics.

 

I answer the phone for a large IT company (think fruit) and let me tell you we spend literally an entire day on how to answer the phone. It's not just phone answering, it's customer service in general that seems lacking. Just 2 cents worth from a noob.

 

I worked at a business where we always said the name of the business when we answered. However, if you transposed the two middle numbers of the last four of the phone number, you'd get a veterinarian's office. I'd often answer the phone, only to have the caller start describing their pet's problem. Understandable, given the circumstances. What would fry me was when I explained that we were not the vet, every fourth caller or so would pause, and continue their litany of symptoms... Sometimes several times...

 

And when one ends a telephone conversation, it is customary, not to mention good manners, to say "goodbye" in some form; at the very least "thank you." You don't just stop talking & hang up without some sort of "goodbye, farewell, good day, ta-ta, thank you, bye bye, etc..."
I DO NOT like it when somebody hangs up on me, even if you didn't mean to do so, you did & it really is very rude; so much so, that it makes me feel like going to wherever you are & smacking you in the kneecaps with a 5 iron.

And if you happen to dial the wrong number, don't just hang up, at least you can say "sorry, wrong number" then hang up. And for the amount of money I'm paying for (insert company name and/or service here), you can afford to have a real person answer the phone. DO NOT make me jump through various voice mail hoops & wait on hold, listening to your crappy muzak & advertising for 20 minutes so you can screw me over yet again on a service that I require to function in 21st century America.

I better stop now before I really start to rant.
Regards, GF.

 

I have a side job at a home inspection company. There are 3 of us that do the inspections and the owner's wife handles all of the scheduling. They run the business out of their home, so almost all the interaction is done by phone or email. It also means that at least 1 of their 4 kids is present in the background whenever I happen to call in with a question. Probably half of the time, somebody will be asking her for a snack or 2 of them will be trying to kill each other, so she has to stop in mid-conversation and tell them that they know to be quiet while she's on the phone.

I really really hope she doesn't do that with the clients.

 

And on the flip side (from my other job), customers who can't properly report a question/complaint [I spend a fair amount of time in meetings or in the field, so sometimes I have no choice but to receive voicemails]:

- "Hi, my name is Turd Ferguson. I have a concern about a sign on Dingleberry Rd."

Well Mr. Ferguson, I'd love to help you with that, but unfortunately our office has barely made it past the 1970s, so we have no caller ID. I'm going to need a phone number if you want a response.

- And doing that one better...receiving a voicemail of dead air where the caller just hangs up. A week later, same thing. A week later it happens again. Finally, I'm actually at my desk to take the call and get hit with: "I'VE BEEN TRYING TO REACH YOU FOR 3 WEEKS, WHY HAVEN'T YOU CALLED ME BACK?!?!"

- "This is Joe Blow. Call me back at 555-1234."

Ok, can you give me a little more to go by? Do you have a question? Do you want to know if a have a moment to speak about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ? Do you want to insult my mother for a while?" I hate this one, because I don't like initiating a phone call without being able to prepare for it. Sometimes if I recognize the first three digits of the phone number I can anticipate where they're calling from and expect that they're calling about a routine problem area. Usually I'm not that lucky.

 

Voicemail?????

WTF is that?

I NEVER leave one. Sorry!

If you can't text or email, I will do business with someone else.

 

My biggest phone pet peeve is overly-long voicemail messages.

I get home, the light is flashing. I hit "Play."

"Hey John, it's Rick, I just wanted to talk to you about the camping trip this weekend. I was thinking of maybe bringing my cooler, but I know you have one too, and I thought maybe it might make more sense if we combined and just shared one cooler, but I'm not sure whose cooler is bigger. Also the forecast said it might rain, so we should maybe look into getting some tarps and ground sheets. Tina thinks she saw that Lowes is having a sale on them later this week so we should stop in and see what kind of selection they have. Maybe I'll get two, since Billy's baseball league needs a new tarp to cover the pitcher's mound in the rain; I don't know if you remember or not but the game we went to three weeks ago, it rained a little, and the tarp they have now is getting pretty old and has a few holes in it ..."

STOP TALKING SO I CAN DELETE THIS MESSAGE AND JUST CALL YOU BACK!

"Hey John, it's Rick, I had a few questions about the camping trip this weekend, call me back. 555-7551. *click*"

 

See my above comment......ALSO....if you do leave a voicemail, I WILL NOT LISTEN TO IT. I will just text or call you back, so don't bother.

 

While it is rare that I am the first line of customer service on the phones, it is sometimes necessary for me to field an incoming call. My favorite is when someone calls in and tells a 20 minute long story to me that ends with, "...so I need to talk to Joe Sixpack about this." Why not start with, "hello, is Joe Sixpack there?" and save us both a lot of time.

 

Really? Because if I call and leave a brief voicemail that tells you specifically what needs to be done, and I get a call back asking what I need, I'm going to be pissed.

EDIT: but I agree that if it can be done via email then do it via email. Another pet peeve of mine is when I send an email to ask a very simple question and I get a phone call 10 minutes later from that person saying, "oh, I called because I don't think these things can be done by email...how's your family doing, etc.?" The reason I sent the email is because I didn't want to get into a 15 minute small talk session. Just answer the damn question I asked.

 

For me, business over the phone is conference calls. So you have engineers, planners, and lawyers gathered around speaker phones on three or four different lines, all trying really hard not to talk over each other.

 

Unlikely that someone like you would leave me a message, but if you did, I would listen to it.



When my technologically impaired boss or my dad leave me a message, it NEVER gets listened to. Why? Because they leave me messages for ANYTHING. Important, not important, whatever.

If one of you guys left me a message, it probably says, "I AM IN TOWN LET'S HAVE A BEER!!!!"

which is WAAAAAAAAAY important.

 

An addendum - my biggest pet peeve when getting a VM - "Hi this is blah blah with blah blah..... call me back at *rapidly* 8something45somethingelse37."

When saying your number, go slow, and then repeat it. Drives me nuts having to listen to a VM 3 or 4 times to actually hear and write down the phone number. Many of the internal calls we get come up as number blocked, so I need to actually be able to understand the number to call back.

 

if you answer the phone for anything other than a residence, identify the organization, then yourself.

"Good morning/afternoon/evening, Mohandas Johnson Ass-Carbunkle Clinic of the Greater Bay Area! this is **INSERT NAME HERE**, may I help you?"

if you're the one I'm calling to talk to, great! we can get busy with business.

if you're not, "good morning/afternoon/evening, **YOU, WHO INSERTED YOUR NAME IN THE 'INSERT NAME HERE' SPOT IN THE ABOVE QUOTE**, this is **YOUR NAME**, may I please speak with **NAME OF PERSON I'M CALLING**? thank you!"

 

That pisses me off, too.

 

What really steals my bottle opener is when jerkwads interrupt my painfully crafted greeting where I tell them "Hello, Mohandas Johnson Ass-Carb..." and they interrupt saying "I am not sure I am calling the right place, but is this where I am supposed to call regarding my Ass Carbunkles?"

Even worse, when someone calls you, interrupts your greeting and asks YOU if they can put you on hold. Then they take 30 minutes to get back to you. And we are a place that has a human being answer the phones.

Third complaint for the callers. Give your full name please. I hear from 6 different Mary's every day. Which one are you? And if you have a difficult spelling of your name provide that too. You would get pissed if I misspelled it.

</aneurysm>

 

I have never held for someone who called me. The minute I go into hold for someone who called me, I hang up.

 

My threshold is 30 seconds or so.

Why not just call right back? Rude.

On the other hand.........


PEOPLE who talk on their cell phone while conducting business........

FUKK THAT.

In the Bank, in the post office, hell, in TACO FREAKING BELL, hang up or have the person hold while you conduct a transaction.

GOD I hate people.

 

I agree with that, too. The only way I'm answering a call while I'm in a public place is if I know it is extremely important and even then, I answer and say, "hey, I'm in a restaurant (or wherever), I'll call you back in about 20 minutes".

EDIT: isn't this what finally puts Walter White over the end and makes him "break bad"?

[ame]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tor0NkZycR0[/ame]

 

I hate people too. Everyone.

except for all you out there in HBTLand, you people are OK

 

Here is another good one for you. My sister called up to complain about a package that went missing in the mail. The lady calling her back left a voicemail, started telling her that her package did arrive, realized she was reading the wrong persons information, then yawned loudly in the middle of the message. No apologies, just went on with her message and proceeded to attempt to pass the blame. Rude.

 

this will soon turn into Part II of the Coffee Table Book thread

while I add - SPIT OUT YOUR EM-EFFING GUM while you talk to me on the phone - to this thread

 

People who ignore Voice mails.

"Hey I saw you called and left me a message earlier. What do you need?"
"Did you list...As I said in the message [Blank]"
"Oh I do not have that in front of me, I'll call you back"

 

*.................crickets................*

 

on a serious note about phone poopin', don't do it. one of my cousins used to call me every time he was dropping a log. you can almost smell that crap through the phone. I know a martha floccer ain't got much going on, but making phone calls is the wrong thing. get a cross word puzzle, some magazines, a copy of War and Peace.

 

We are crucial to plant operational communications. If we leave Control, we forward forward the desk phone to the direct connect. I've conducted a lot of operations with my dick in my hand.

 

OK, so when I leave my technologically impaired dad a message it never gets listened to, so I usually just hang up. He is just capable of figuring out who's calls he missed. Occasionally, I'll leave a horribly abusive voice mail so when he calls me back without listening to the message I can tell him that I'm on the other line and he should just listen to the detailed message.

 

Not business related, but my biggest phone peeve is when someone sends a text or voicemail saying "call me". For one, you already took the time to say something, tell me what it's about! And secondly, if that's all I get from my dad, I always assume something bad happened. To date, nothing has, but I've got some sick elderly family so you never know. Gives me a freaking heart attack.

 

ONLY time this is ok, is if I have 4 paragraphs worth of text and I am to lazy to type it...(wait....1 other time)....OR if I am driving.

About the toilet talk thing......can you imagine the sheer volume of POTTY POSTS??????

I have done it. The app makes it too easy!

FACEBOOK is COVERED in potty posts, I guarantee it!

 

nestar:nestar:nestar:nestar:nestar:


*I just love venting among friends! *

 

poop POSTS don't bother me, really, how would you know without being told? plus, the lack of immediacy, I could be reading your post/text hours after your business is concluded

potty CALLS are a much different matter. the unmistakable tile reverb is the giveaway

I really don't see how talking to me is so important you can't wait until after you've dropped the kids off at the pool.

 

Pooping right NOW!!