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Old 06-28-2008, 03:38 AM   #1
homebrewer_99
 
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Feb 2005
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A man wearing a balaclava bursts into a sperm bank with a shot gun.

"Open the f*****g safe!" he yells at the girl behind the counter.

"But we're not a real bank" replies the girl. "This is a sperm bank, we don't hold money".

"Don't argue just open the safe or I'll blow your f*****g head off!" She obliges and opens the safe door.

"Take one of the bottles and drink it!"

"But it's full of sperm" the girl replies nervously.

"Don't argue, just drink it" he says.

She pries off the cap and gulps it down.

"Take out another one and drink it too!" he demands.

The girl drinks another one.

Suddenly the guy pulls off the balaclava and to the girl's amazement it's her husband.......

"Not that f*****g difficult is it?" he says.

(Asterix were already in the joke...no censoring took place here...)
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Old 06-28-2008, 03:40 AM   #2
eschatz
 
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Dec 2007
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nice, what a classic!
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Old 04-15-2009, 09:42 PM   #3
yourdudeness
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Apr 2009
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The phone rings. A woman answers.
"Is this Mrs. Brauer?"
"Yes?"
"We're deeply sorry to inform you that your husband just drowned to death in a conditioning tank at the brewery he works at."
"Oh my God, that's terrible...please tell me he did't suffer too much"
"Oh, I don't think so....he got out about three times to pee!"

 
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Old 04-15-2009, 09:49 PM   #4
tireater
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Feb 2009
Santa Barbara
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Two homebrewers are walking by a park and see a dog licking it's balls...

One says 'I wonder if I could do that'...

The other says 'Maybe you ought to pet him first'...

 
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Old 04-15-2009, 09:55 PM   #5
BierMuncher
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Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.

I hooked the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

 
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Old 04-16-2009, 12:28 AM   #6
tireater
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Feb 2009
Santa Barbara
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Why is pubic hair curly...?


So you don't poke your eye out...

 
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Old 01-25-2010, 06:17 PM   #7
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Feb 2008
Wappingers falls NY
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George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he was finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she was finished the devil informs her that cost is 6 million dollars, so Queen Elizabeth writes him a check.
Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he was finished the devil informed him that there would be no charge for the call and feel free to call the USA anytime.

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA free.

The devil replied, "Since Obama became president of the USA , the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call.
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Old 01-26-2010, 03:01 PM   #8
couplebeers
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May 2008
Dedham, MA
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An out of work actor gets a call from his agent one day. “I’ve got you a job” says his agent.

“That’s great!” says the actor. “What is it?”

“Well,” says the agent, “it’s a one-liner.”

“That’s ok replies the actor, “I’ve been out of work so long I’ll take anything; What’s the line?”

“‘Hark! I hear the cannons roar’”, says the agent.

“I love it,” says the actor. “When’s the audition?”

“Wednesday.” says the agent.

Wednesday comes and the actor arrives at the audition. He marches on stage and shouts with all the passion of the line, “Hark! I hear the cannons roar!”

“Brilliant!” says the director. “You’ve got the job. Be here 9 o’clock Saturday evening.”

The actor is so excited that he got the job that he goes on a major bender. He wakes up 8:30 Saturday evening and runs to the theatre continually repeating his line; “Hark! I hear the cannons roar! Hark! I hear the cannons roar! Hark! I hear the cannons roar!”

He arrives at the stage entrance, out of breath and is stopped by the bouncer. “Who are you?” asks the bouncer. “I’m ‘Hark! I hear the cannons roar!’” You’re ‘Hark! I hear the cannons roar!? You’re late. Get up to make-up straight away.

So he runs up to the make-up girl. “Who are you?” she says?

“I’m ‘Hark! I hear the cannons roar!”

“You’re ‘Hark! I hear the cannons roar!? You’re late. Sit down here,” she says as she starts to apply the make up. After she’s finished he dashes down to the stage.

“Who are you?” says the stage-manager.

“I’m ‘Hark! I hear the cannons roar!” he says.

“You’re ‘Hark! I hear the cannons roar!? Get on out there, the curtain is about to go up.

So he tears onto the stage. The curtains rise, the house is full.
Suddenly there is an almighty bang behind him, and the actor turns around and shouts, “WHAT F*CK WAS THAT?”
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Old 01-26-2010, 03:30 PM   #9
imaguitargod
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Oct 2008
Local Mind Expander of Cleveland, OH
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An Irshman walks past a bar................hey, it could happen.
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Old 01-26-2010, 06:30 PM   #10
Mike M
 
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Jul 2007
, Delaware
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A hooded armed robber bursts into the bank and tells the tellers to put all the cash in the bag.


On his way out the door with the loot, one brave customer grabs the hood and pulls it off revealing the robber's face.



The robber shoots the guy in the head without hesitation!



He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him.



One of the tellers is looking straight at him. The robber walks over and calmly shoots her in the head.



Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor.



"Did anyone else see my face?" calls the robber.



There follows a tense silence. Then an elderly gent, looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says:



"I think my wife may have caught a glimpse"

 
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