Parenting - Every Kicked Your Kid Out?

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Jiffster

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I just told my 18 year old he had to leave. Hardest thing I've ever done. Not 100% sure I'm doing the right thing but SWMBO insists I'm letting him slide too much. Maybe I am.

She came from a very strict upbringing and I was the hell raiser, partier.

I feel like she doesn't understand and she likes I'm too lenient.

We suspect he may have took $70 from his sisters when babysitting his niece and nephew. He insists he didn't.

He's lied about stuff in the past, has gotten 2 tickets recently, both times had paraphinalia on him.

I'm afraid he's going to run to the streets and get killed. He's struggling to make up credit in a program to graduate. I think this is going to cause him to give up.

I kicked him out 2 years ago for sneaking out of the house at night. Lasted about 3 days and I let him back. That about killed me.

That's my boy damn it!

This sucks.
 
I understand how you're feeling right now. I did the same thing to my son when he was around the same age. He ended up living with a friend (who was still living with his parents) for about 3 months, but during that time he turned himself around. He found employment (the reason I booted him to begin with) and reached within himself to make a chage in his life for the better. It wasn't easy for either of us, but we are closer now because of it. He'll be 26 this November and we are watching his Doberman Erro (aka Minion) this week while he and his girlfriend go on their first real vacation.

Your son sounds like mine/me/you while growing up and we made it somehow. You have taught him the basics of right and wrong. Now it's time for him to come to terms with it.

We are here for you as needed.
 
Thanks Inkleg. Loss for words right now. Feels like a lonely, frightening space I'm in right now.
 
Is he not the biological child of your wife?

A few of my childhood friends got kicked out growing up. They all had step-parents in the house that had little patience for them and their problems.

But he's 18. I have no intention of coddling my child once he's 18. He needs to either be paying me rent or doing something worthwhile with himself at that point.

If my kid got caught with paraphernalia for MJ I'd treat it no differently than if he got caught drinking at a party. Neither is good for someone who is underage, but MJ is not any worse than the activity that brings us all here. I'd be more worried that he's getting pulled over. Driving like an idiot can kill you or other innocent people.
 
I'm very sorry you had to make such a terrible decision...I can't speak to kicking any of my children out as mine isn't even born yet (August) but I am the product of being kicked out and I can tell you from my personal experience it was the best decision my Mom could have made...got my stuff together, found a place to live, paid rent learned how to budget...became a full fledged adult...adulted so hard bought myself a house.

People need to figure out their stuff...make mistakes and learn from them...wishing you all the best in this troubling time
 
Thanks folks. Yes, he's biological for both of us. My wife's a much tougher cookie than me with this stuff. He father was a Sergeant I the Army during WWII and she idolized him. He was no pushover and neither is she!

I hope he makes some better decisions.
 
Good luck! There isn't any way to know for surehow things will work out. I have friends who had to kick their kid out after many years of bad behaviour. It took a while, but he is slowly understanding how bad an influence his biological father is on him and is making some good decisions now and keeping a job.

It's different for everyone, but I think most of the time the younger ones simply need to experience what it's like to be on their own and they quickly get a dose of reality.
 
Tough love is the hardest thing to exercise but is the most important tool you have when it hits the fan. I have a half dozen kids and they all have a list of rules to follow, I'm not too hard on them but dont lie, steal, do drugs or fight. They are all adults now and the one I kicked out many years ago did well with being on his own and things are healing.

Good luck, my prayers for you.
 
I don't know. I was a good boy, I lived at home until 24, except when at college. I had jobs and paid some room and board, but graduated into a recession. I left for about a year, then asked if I could come back home, because I didn't like all my room mates and wanted to save for a new car. I then stayed until I was 30.

That said, my family was/is a lot closer than most.....

You said he lied in the past, were the incidents serious?
I might have given an ultimatum to get a job and move on asap. I don't think I could just kick a child out. But then again I am now 62 and still single.....
 
I was a bit of a cutup when I was a kid.I had my rights read to me by a cop when I was 16 on my parents couch in front of them.I think it damn near killed them.I sucked in school.Im a believer you don't need to do great in school to be a great person.We're all wired different and school is not for everyone.That being said I'm the father of 2 great kids.My son is 24 and my daughter 18.My son was tough.He has ADHD and was difficult to say the least.There were plenty of fights and arguments.but I always ended with an "I love you,and only want the best for you"As far as the paraphinalia,I busted my son with some pipes.To be honest I smoked in high school and turned out to be be a good dad,homeowner,buissness owner,all the things your "supposed" to be.Yet I was on probation at 16.So you don't really know how people will turn out. Its really not the end of the world.He's going to do it whether you like it or not.My son just moved to California and got a medical marijuana licence that I wasn't to happy about.We had a long conversation about it.He told me 2 off his friends OD'd on heroin and that was part of his reason for leaving Long Island.To get away from it.All of a sudden weed didn't seem that bad to me anymore.And hes got a heart of gold.My opinion,and by no mean telling you how to parent,is 18 is to young to kick him out.Thats when they need a home the most even though they don't know it.FWIW I end every phone call and walk out he door with an "I love you".Something I never got..Kids will be kids but knowing youll be there for them will give them strength and security.

All the best,It ain't easy
All the best
 
Lots of good advice. I sincerely appreciate it.

Was chatting with our next door neighbors yesterday. They work from home and see things during the day. They told us of some things they heard that shocked us quite a bit. I'm not going to ignore it but I take it with a grain of salt too because they seem to embellish things at times.

I found out he's been sleeping in his car since we kicked him out. We're having him come over this evening to talk with his sister face to face. They don't know it yet. His sister is 30 by the way.

I also learned he ended u going to the school program he's been on today. That was s big surprising. They would have kicked him out if he didn't go today.

Hopefully it's a good sign.
 
Good for him for going to school when he didn't have to.A sure sign he's got a head on his shoulders..Might just have a rebel on hands,lots of times there the hardest workers in life and haven't figured out a way to control there energy
 
Thats a tough situation for sure.

1. Is the car actually his? If not maybe instead of kicking him out you should take the car away, and or stop payment on anything that you own that he uses.
2. If he is getting caught with "Paraphernalia" on him, you should probably review who are his friends, what he does, where he goes etc. Most kids I knew getting caught with anything usually ended up getting caught doing a lot dumber things later on in life. Stop that behavior now if you can.
3. I would see kicking him out as a last resort. My dad tried that as a scare tactic for me, and I called his bluff on it. Granted I didn't really do anything too serious. Got caught racing a bit.

Really its going to come down to a time commitment from you. The more time you can spend with him keeping him away from things that are getting him in trouble, the better chance you will have at fostering a better relationship with him, and getting him on the right track.

When I was 13-17, I hated my Dad. I realized after a few years, I was the idiot and my Dad was right for being hard on me. I'm successful and so are both my brothers. Be hard on them now, so that they can be great later.
 
person to give advice, my son uses Mary Jane often, totally against my beliefs. Althought I have given him ultimatums often I believe that a positive environment may be better than to kick him out.... but he must show commitment to an education or vocational training, otherwise he will be my responsibility always.

And then your responsibility stop at a point. If you taught him well let him burden his own mistakes..... this is the biggest burden of a parent.
 
Im not a Dad, yet. So maybe I'm spewing bs, and you can call me on it.

But it seems to me like kicking him out of the house is the easy way out. I think he is more likely to grow resentful of you and every thing you want for him. Despite what the law says, 18 does not make him an adult. ****, he's still a kid.

What you are really doing is making it even more difficult for him to achieve success.

Instead, focus on discussing small changes and rewarding him for it when he follows through. Start small, like getting up early, completing homework, small chores. Spend time with him job searching. Take him paces where he will gain exposure to different careers: race tracks, video game conventions, anything he is interested in.

Let him know that you aren't going anywhere and neither is he. Let him know that you are going to live to see him be successful if it kills you.

If all fails, and you tried your best, I imagine you still won't regret the time you spent together.

Edit: oh yeah, and let him define what success is. Just make sure that on his journey he sees what it means to support himself. He may not be a CEO of a fortune 500 company, but you can still support yourself on blue collar work.
 
Im not a Dad, yet. So maybe I'm spewing bs, and you can call me on it.



But it seems to me like kicking him out of the house is the easy way out. I think he is more likely to grow resentful of you and every thing you want for him. Despite what the law says, 18 does not make him an adult. ****, he's still a kid.



What you are really doing is making it even more difficult for him to achieve success.



Instead, focus on discussing small changes and rewarding him for it when he follows through. Start small, like getting up early, completing homework, small chores. Spend time with him job searching. Take him paces where he will gain exposure to different careers: race tracks, video game conventions, anything he is interested in.



Let him know that you aren't going anywhere and neither is he. Let him know that you are going to live to see him be successful if it kills you.



If all fails, and you tried your best, I imagine you still won't regret the time you spent together.



Edit: oh yeah, and let him define what success is. Just make sure that on his journey he sees what it means to support himself. He may not be a CEO of a fortune 500 company, but you can still support yourself on blue collar work.


You make some very good points...sounds like an educator way of thinking...mainly because i am one by trade...what you've just suggested is a behavior chart we use at school...for some kids it works for others it doesn't and you have to try something else...

The thing is since you and I aren't parents yet we can't speak fully to how we would handle the situation since we haven't experienced it. I'm not sure how I would handle the situation if my child was acting up in a serious manner for a number of years. It is a tremendously difficult decision which I'm sure my Mom among other parents questioned themselves over time and time again.

Like I said when it happened to me it was the best thing that could have happened. Was I doing anything extremely wrong like doing hard drugs or drinking myself stupid every night...no but I needed a fire lit under my arse and getting kicked out did it.

I got kicked out for telling my Mom to go F herself and shovel her own car out. Immature? Most definitely, worthy of being kicked out of the house probably not...but I'm a better person for it. Married with a job, own my house, have a dog and a kid on the way...and bought my mom a snow blower so she doesn't have to shovel anymore...just one success story though YMMV.
 
Off topic but isn't it ironic how the most dangerous part about Mary Jane is getting cought with it.
 
Appreciate the advice folks. Believe me, I try to spend time with him and get him engaged in activities, take him hunting, camping, etc.

The issue with that is there comes s time when most teens and young adults would rather have a hot poker stuck in their eye than hang out with their parent.

He'll be 19 in August so he's well into that phase.

I'm not giving up on him though.
 
not sure about US law, but over here, until 21, your children are your responsibility legally, so kicking them on the street might get you in hot water with the law.

Check your local laws, personally I wouldn't have trusted myself on my own with no backup at that age, even though i lived in a different city by then at uni, I still had my parents to lean on and damn well needed the adult supervision, even if just from afar.
 
We're still working on/with our son, at 25. He was wholly unprepared for the prestigious school he was accepted at, and was over by day 5. He wasted 2 semesters at comm college, and we stopped paying. He worked for our SMALL family mfg business since he was old enough to work, and has been in and out every since, but mostly out now.

We kicked him out of the house at about 20 as we were done with his attitude and complete and total disrespect for us. His entire life he's been disrespectful to us, yet we still hear what a great kid he is/was from most everyone else. He stayed with a friend a few days then moved in with my ex-step-mother (long story in itself!), and stayed in the room I grew up in for about 3 years till a major repair had to be done on the house that required a wall to be partly removed in his room. At that point we agreed to allow him back home, with very specific requirements and timelines. None have been met yet, but he's now finally acknowledged he's got issues he needs to resolve.

Many of his friends are still at home, although some are still in school. None of them seem to have much direction, and oddly enough very few (of the guys) have girlfriends. They don't seem interested. I think a girlfriend could do him a world of good, with 1 exception.... His prom date is still single (with a college degree), and one of the crowd, but he's not interested.

We fully believe that the whole social media/online world has polluted his mind in so many ways. He will argue to 'the death' over issues/things/solutions he read online, even when I have in depth experience with them. Not to brag, but I can do almost anything I want to, and do it well - home repair/maint/rebuilt/add, mechanical/electrical/electronics stuff (I built our mfg business from the ground up almost single handed, AND have a full time high end IT job). So, I know a thing or 2, and run circles around my brother at our mfg business daily. I built a large bronze casting furnace for a maritime museum so they can do their own casting and classes/seminars, and rebuilt an old wooden boat (and it's engines). I learn/study/research much of this on the internet, and that is a key difference between what he gets from it, vs what I get from it. I also learned a lot from my father (an engineer). I've tried to engage my son on all this his entire life, but he simply never had any interest in any of it.

By 22 I was a 'qualified' by the Navy to operate a nuclear reactor, and did so in training. I chose not to stay in the Navy though. My drive and responsibility got me there, and where I am today. He has neither. My wife an I joke regularly that he should have been my brothers son, as they are FAR more alike than I am with either.

He and I have managed a fairly good relationship as long as he does not ask me my opinion or questions about anything. That leads to an argument most of the time as he always insists I'm wrong and will defend his position regardless of how wrong he might be, even when others tell him so. He's never gotten into any major trouble, stopped by police a few times, but nothing more than a speeding ticket (once).

We hope we may have reached a critical point with him recently. After yet another battle a few months ago at the business, I informed him yet again, that it's time to go. He worked a couple odd jobs, then had an emotional meltdown that he's going no-where in life. Hello, we've been trying to get you to realize that for 5+ years.... So now hes on some medication, and I'm trying my best to not allow him to suck me into arguments. He battled this at first, but we convinced him to stay with it long enough for it to start working. 'I was reading online about the side effects...', argh.

Our daughter (2 yrs older) is the total opposite. She left for college, and never came back. Since then she married (but did not work out), got a Masters in accounting (while working), and now has a great job. Shes got her issues too (hence the divorce, and medicated now), but very different from our son. But then I admit that so do I (and my wife). Don't we all? We know how to manage them, and that's a key difference with him so far.

Best of luck with your situation.
 
It's different for everyone, but I think most of the time the younger ones simply need to experience what it's like to be on their own and they quickly get a dose of reality.

This! But I was never kicked out. I'm the youngest and have two other brothers. I was the last one in the house so I was spoiled quite a bit by my parents, but I held a steady job through high school. I definitely took everything they did for me for granted and just couldn't wait to move out on my own at 18. I moved out right after I graduated and struggled for the first year or two, but I ended up with a great job, nice car and nice place to live. I wouldn't change a thing though because it taught me so many valuable things (like if your landlord says no partying on the roof, probably a good idea to not party on the roof. oops). My brother was the same as your son. Kicked out multiple times, always getting arrested, etc. He seemed to have turned his life around a couple years ago and now has a wonderful family. Best of luck!
 
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