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Old 02-06-2006, 02:23 PM   #1
Brewiz's Avatar
May 2005
Stockbridge, Ga
Posts: 954
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> Subject: Fwd: Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.
> This is funny!!
> Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my
> interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking
> for little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a
> 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser
> were suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
> assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY
> Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two
> triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!
> I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND
> pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the
> blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
> Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that
> burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
> Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
> couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries,...
> right?
> There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
> little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I
> really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I
> must
> admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a
> second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was
> going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I
> did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
> So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
> perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in
> one hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst
> would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was
> supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a
> three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on
> the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds
> would be wasting the batteries.
> All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long,
> less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded
> with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no
> possibleway!" What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do
> my
> best.....
> I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side
> as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second
> burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.... I
> decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it.
> I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER,
> I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up
> in
> the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over
> and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
> position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on
> fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body
> in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing
> over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face,
> undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"
> Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note
> of
> caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when
> you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
> from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three
> second burst would be considered conservative.
> SON-OF-A-.... that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure,
> as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my
> wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent
> reading glasses were on the mantle of the fireplace. How did they get up
> there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My
> face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom
> lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles? I'm offering a
> significant reward for their safe return.
> Still in shock,
> Tommy
Do you ever see a motorcycle in front of Therapist's Office???
Insert Name Here Brew Club

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Old 02-06-2006, 04:37 PM   #2
Feb 2006
Upstate NY
Posts: 38

That is the funniest thing I have ever read. Of course I'm not laughing at you, I'm laughing with you.

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Old 02-06-2006, 06:37 PM   #3
BlightyBrewer's Avatar
Aug 2005
Leicestershire, UK
Posts: 707
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That is hilarious (and painful)!
Beer....the Duke of all Beverages.

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Old 02-07-2006, 01:34 AM   #4
Sir Sudster
Sir Sudster's Avatar
May 2005
Buda, Tx
Posts: 1,030
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ROTFL! Funny story Man. Hey, you might want to ask Gracie about those testicles...you know how cats play with things.

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Old 02-07-2006, 01:45 AM   #5
Genghis77's Avatar
Nov 2005
Oregon on the Umpqua
Posts: 531
Liked 1 Times on 1 Posts

Those things are bad news if you have heart trouble, high blood pressure, asthmatic or prone to seizures. In those cases, they have been known to be potentially fatal. Trust the instructions and don't use on self, pets, family or friends. I had looked into getting one for an 82 year old friend and concluded that an accidental misfire could be fatal to him. The manufacturer's assumption is that an assailant would be youthful and without affirmitives.

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