The most likely suspect is the yeast was simply no good and nothing actually happened. (Which isn't *you* messing up but simply the yeast wasn't good.)
So ... describe what happened. Did you watch the DVD? Did you look at the wort with a flashlight and watch the swirling turbulent yeasties two days after you added the yeast? Did you see a huge head of yellow foam form and float on the top? Did you wait two/three weeks and watch a thick layer of white flakey sediment form on the bottom of the keg?
If not, well, something went wrong and it was probably badly pitched yeast. If the yeast was old (or simply a dud pack) then it's dead. Less likely you pitched it when the wort was very hot and you killed it (this almost never happens).
If you did see all that activity then things went fine during the fermentation and the beer was flat in the bottling. Give it another week. But consider if you primed it properly with enough sugar and if your bottles don't have a leak. (My first batch was plastic water bottles and they simply were not the right type for carbonated beverage. I re-primed and re-bottled them later and they were fine.)
Originally Posted by drewlooker
You can't have good beer in two weeks i don't care what MR. Beer says.
Agreed. But to give Mr. Beer credit, even they don't claim it can be done in two weeks. They claim it *can* be done in four. And they but immediately add it might not be *good* untill six weeks or maybe even two months.
Also, in my opinion, Mr. Beer beer just isn't very good beer. A little thin and characterless. So it might be "maltier" than you were expecting. Although it shouldn't have tasted sweet and *completely* unfermented. Even flat it should have tasted like (flat) beer and not watered extract.