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Old 12-24-2012, 04:04 PM   #41
Jul 2010
Albany, NY
Posts: 2,250
Liked 146 Times on 115 Posts

If it weren't for the kids my wife would probably be long gone. SO much have I put her through that I would never ask for forgiveness. It's tough not to be selfish. It's very easy to ignore the ones closet to you. If you've made a decision to try to save your marriage, then give it all you got and this stuff will eventually come easy to you.

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Old 01-09-2013, 05:43 PM   #42
HoppyDaze's Avatar
Dec 2008
Wilsonville, OR
Posts: 12,724
Liked 2507 Times on 1746 Posts

Here is some perspective:

I got this off off facebook

When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, Iíve got something to tell you. She sa...t down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.
Suddenly I didnít...know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly. She didnít seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?

I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didnít talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didnít love her anymore. I just pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didnít have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane. When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didnít want anything from me, but needed a monthís notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a monthís time and she didnít want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.

This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day. She requested that every day for the monthís duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.

I told Jane about my wifeís divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.

My wife and I hadnít had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; donít tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadnít looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me. On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didnít tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.

She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.

Suddenly it hit meÖ she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.

Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, itís time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.

But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadnít noticed that our life lacked intimacy. I drove to officeÖ. jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mindÖI walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.

She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I wonít divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didnít value the details of our lives, not because we didnít love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart. Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away. At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, Iíll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.

That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed -dead. My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push through with the divorce.ó At least, in the eyes of our sonó- Iím a loving husbandÖ.

The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves.

So find time to be your spouseís friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!

If you donít share this, nothing will happen to you.

If you do, you just might save a marriage. Many of lifeís failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.
"Dad, Bob broke your beer!"

*Member: The HBT Sweaty Fat Guys Cigar club

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Old 01-09-2013, 06:46 PM   #43
Jan 2009
Denham Springs, La
Posts: 638
Liked 33 Times on 30 Posts

Originally Posted by lex990 View Post
Has any of you ever went. Did it help? Advice on seeking one?
Went to one with my ex many years ago. My "ex" was a psychologist. Marriage counselor (woman) was also a psychologist. I may know what hell is like. You can pretty much imagine how that went. Ex-wife explains about something she doesn't appreciate that I do. Counselor tries to suggest how I could modify my behavior to be more acceptable to ex-wife". I then explain some aspect I am not pleased with. Counselor and ex-wife then explain how I could change to learn to accept the way ex-wife is. End of hour session, I write check for $175 and go home even less hopeful anything will get better. Repeat 5 more times and I am now $1000+ poorer and have no desire to even speak to either woman again.

I should have just omitted the counselor and given another grand to my divorce attorney. At least she listened to me.

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