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Old 11-16-2012, 11:45 PM   #1
bmason1623
 
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An old woman came into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing problem.
"I fart all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I've been here, I've farted no less than twenty times. What can I do?"
"Here's a prescription, Mrs. Harris. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and comeback and see me in a week."
Next week an upset Mrs. Harris marched into Dr. Johnson's office. "Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm farting just as much, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?"
"Calm down, Mrs.Harris," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing."

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Old 11-17-2012, 12:44 PM   #2
Hammy71
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I lol

 
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Old 11-17-2012, 02:41 PM   #3
gratus fermentatio
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Once there was a woman who loved beans. Any kind of bean, but especially BBQ baked beans. One day she had to stay late for work & missed her bus home. Since it would be a whole hour till the next bus came by, she decided to walk. It was her anniversary & she knew her husband would have some sort of special surprise for her when she got home, so she didn't want to be too late.

As it happened, the route home took her by a diner that had a special on beans that day. They were BBQ baked beans, her favourite. She looked at the sign advertising the special & thought she had time for just one bowl of beans before the next bus came by & she could use a rest from walking anyway. So into the diner she went for a bowl of BBQ baked beans.

Her 1st bite of those beans was just heavenly! She'd never tasted BBQ baked beans so good. She savoured the rich & spicy flavour & texture of those beans & slowly chewed each spoonful. She was eating her last spoonful when she saw the bus go by.
Damn! Now she would not only have to walk home anyway, but now she'd be late as well. "Well," she reasoned, "I might as well have 1 more bowl of beans, I'll need the energy for walking." So she had another bowl & then started for home.

As she walked, she wondered what surprise her husband had in store for her. She thought maybe it would be a fancy dinner or a nice gift of jewelry. She also noticed that she was developing a little gas from the beans. She hoped it would work it's way through before she got home, but reasoned that she could take a Gasex tablet once she got home.

As she walked she kept getting gassier & gassier, and her farts got smelly & hot too. There were times she was glad she was outside & even wished for a bit of a breeze to blow away the foul stench of her BBQ bean farts. Finally she arrived home, her husband met her at the door, gave her a big kiss & told her he had a surprise for her, but she had to wear a blindfold before he could reveal it to her.

So he put the blindfold on her & led her down the hall to the dining room & helped her to sit in a chair. Just then the phone rang, so he said "wait here honey, I'll just be a minute, no peeking now." She assured him she wouldn't peek & he went to the kitchen to answer the phone.

Now she had been holding a fart while her husband was there, but figured it was safe enough to let it go as he was in the kitchen. So she farted a long, hot, smelly fart; it was really loud too & she giggled at the sound. At 1st she thought she'd never get the stink out of the room before her husband came back, but then thought she'd blame it on the dog if hhe noticed anything.

Her husband seemed to be taking a long time talking on the phone & the need to fart was again upon her, so she let one rip. Good Lord, was it a huge, long, loud hot stinky fart! Again she thought she'd be safe by blaming the dog & her gasy shame would remain a secret. But another fart was waiting & so she farted not once, but three more times; all of them louder, hotter & stinkier than ever. Again she couldn't help but giggle. Her farts were so bad, she had to wave her hands to try to waft the stench away from her.

Finally her husband came back. "Did you peek honey?" he asked. "Oh no, I would never peek, I've just been sitting here, waiting for you." Her husband asked her if she was ready for her surprise, "Oh yes!" So he removed her blindfold & she saw all her friends & family sitting at the table just as they all shouted "Surprise!"

 
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Old 11-17-2012, 03:47 PM   #4
turvis
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With my gas and my luck that would happen to me. Oh that's a funny story.

 
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Old 11-18-2012, 05:32 AM   #5
McGarnigle
 
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Here's Bette Midler telling a version of the first joke on Letterman (around 3:30).

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PErthresOkM

 
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