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Old 09-12-2012, 06:26 PM   #1
CreamyGoodness
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Every day, hundreds of thousands of people come to New York as tourists, commuters, and visitors. While some of these people use taxicabs or drive their vehicles into the city, a growing number are using public transportation in an effort to experience the city the way New Yorkers do. It is the latter group for whom I have listed some pointers on how to experience the city as a member of New York's most numerous group, the douchebags.

1) Stand at the top of the stairs and talk on your cell-phone. Obstruct access and slow foot-traffic as much as humanly possible. If confronted, call your tormenter a name. NOTHING is more important than a cell-phone call.

2) Walk slooowly in a weaving, serpentine pattern. You are the head of this line, and people going in either direction should know it!

3) Bring a huge bulky stroller onto a train, or better, a bus. Dont even THINK about folding it up either. Bonus points if the stroller is completely empty.

4) Eat a 4 course meal while on the train. Make sure the food you are consuming smells pungeant and fills up the entire car. Smack your lips, and suck on your tooth. What you want to do is get maximum garbage and food bits on the floor or on the shoes of your fellow travelers, and get everyone sick to their stomachs. Be absolutely sure to have crumbs stuck to your face and caught in your beard/hair. Also, by all means, leave the bag it all came in on the floor when you get to your stop.

5) Preach and/or chant a political slogan. These people are a captive audience, and they need to hear YOU!

6) If you are a teenager, scream profanities and try to impress other teens. Your parents arent on-board (they never are!) so take this as an opportunity to be a public nuisance and get away with it.

7) Shake a cup full of change, loudly. You paid $2.25 to get here, so you need to make your investment back and then some. If you have a legitimate need for the charity of others, it takes the fun out of this.

8) Get into a loud argument or physical altercation with your significant other. Nothing makes a New Yorker happier than wondering if you are going to beat the crap out of your wife because she was talking to Billy on the phone the day you got out of jail.

9) Don't you DARE even THINK about showering or using Speed Stick.

10) Walk ahead of your wife and kids, and hold the door open. Everyone can wait 10 or 20 minutes for them to saunter to the train.

11) Start saying "excuse me" before the train has stopped. What you want here is to make fellow travelers take their chances without the help of a bar to hold onto. If the train or bus stops short, they will become a human bowling ball, which is what you are going for.

12) Never, under any circumstances, stand for a pregnant woman and offer her your seat. Some other man got her that way, let HIM give up his seat.

13) Speaking of women, harass them. Bonus points if you cross a line and another strap-hanger or a police officer confronts you. Make as many people uncomfortable as possible.

14) Fart.

and last but certainly not least 15) Remember, they can ALWAYS take one more. Wedge your girthy humanity into the car as snuggly as possible. Every New Yorker wants to be THAT much closer to the crotches of strangers.

If you follow these 15 easy guidelines, you too can be an insufferable jackhole. With just a little effort, we can bring the quality of life in our fair city even lower than it was in the 80s!

*sigh* it will pass.
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Old 09-12-2012, 07:24 PM   #2
m_c_zero
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I will definitely be sure to print this out and take it with me when I travel.

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Old 09-12-2012, 08:38 PM   #3
brewingmeister
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These helpful tips should be posted on the back of every door like the fire exit map, and on the back of the transit card as well.
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Old 09-13-2012, 02:55 PM   #4
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Having worked in NY on numerous occaisions, I don't think you can state with confidence that all of the above are performed solely by tourists/travelers. I realize that New Yorkers are known for their courteous nature and splendid manners in general but...

 
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Old 09-13-2012, 06:49 PM   #5
Hang Glider
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CreamyGoodness View Post
Every day, hundreds of thousands of people come to New York as tourists, commuters, and visitors. While some of these people use taxicabs or drive their vehicles into the city, a growing number are using public transportation in an effort to experience the city the way New Yorkers do. It is the latter group for whom I have listed some pointers on how to experience the city as a member of New York's most numerous group, the douchebags.
paraphrase:
It is this latter group (visitors) to whom I give pointers on how to experience the city (behave) as our douchebag population does...

I think he's pointing out the shortcomings of a certain native NY population to the tourists...

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Old 09-13-2012, 08:50 PM   #6
Hammy71
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Wow, once again Creamy paints a picture that brings back memories of my last trip to NYC. Love the subway system. But yes, I have seen these people on the train.

 
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Old 09-14-2012, 02:17 PM   #7
mbauer013
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My bad if that was his intention. I too have been nasally accosted by a subway rider eating a wonderful fish curry in a crowded car. I could barely breathe between that and the man standing next to me who was carrying out bacterial culture studies on his body by apparently not showering for months at a time.

 
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Old 09-14-2012, 03:43 PM   #8
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15) who needs headphones? unplug them and play your tunes out of the speaker of your phone.

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Old 09-14-2012, 07:41 PM   #9
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Fair city? You are talking about NYC right? I mean honestly, what do you expect? Are you really trying to blame a few tourists for making NYC a terrible place to live?

 
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Old 09-14-2012, 07:45 PM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by headbanger View Post
Fair city? You are talking about NYC right? I mean honestly, what do you expect? Are you really trying to blame a few tourists for making NYC a terrible place to live?
Generally one reads first, and comments second
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See, that's where the real story is.
In the competition for the attention of the space aliens.
Everyone's equal in the eyes of God, but the space aliens, you've got to figure they would play favorites.




YES, WE HAVE TRIED OTHER YEASTS! USE BREAD YEAST FOR JAOM!


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