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Old 08-06-2012, 07:46 PM   #21
Barnzy02
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Originally Posted by the_bird View Post
I'm going to (respectfully) disagree with this 100%. Not having your own sense of identity, your own sense of self, strikes me as being fundamentally unhealthy. There's stuff that makes me tick that my wife doesn't understand, and that's fine. There's stuff that makes my wife tick that I don't understand, and that's fine, too. I believe we have a very healthy relationship in no small part because our own happiness isn't completely dependent on the relationship itself.
Yes, this is huge.

That's a big part of it. She lost a huge part of 'herself' when she moved from Florida to Philly and hasn't been able to find that for herself here.
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Old 08-06-2012, 07:51 PM   #22
kenstogie
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Here's my 2 cents worth (having gone through a similiar thing a few years back) Could be she wants to get back with her ex (people want what they can't have) and you are the back up plan. Extreme oversimplification. Now I don't know about your gf but it sounds so incredibly similiar to my ex. and that scenario. Run, run fast and run far and when you're done running, run some more then hop on a train, then a plane, then start running again, repeat from beginning.

 
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Old 08-06-2012, 07:51 PM   #23
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Sounds like she can't figure out how to directly break up with you and is doing everything in her power to force it...sounds like you know it too just can't step beyond the emotional. I'd call it a done deal, break up, drink some beer with the guys to get over the hurt, when that subsides start dating other woman. Perhaps someday you will meet her again and there will be something there still, or perhaps it'll be Garth Brooks, "Thank God for Unanswered Prayers."

 
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Old 08-06-2012, 07:56 PM   #24
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Originally Posted by Bensiff View Post
Sounds like she can't figure out how to directly break up with you and is doing everything in her power to force it...sounds like you know it too just can't step beyond the emotional. I'd call it a done deal, break up, drink some beer with the guys to get over the hurt, when that subsides start dating other woman. Perhaps someday you will meet her again and there will be something there still, or perhaps it'll be Garth Brooks, "Thank God for Unanswered Prayers."
Yeah, see, it's impossible for us to know whether she's sincere in "needing to find herself," or she does want to break up so she's trying (consciously or subconsciously) to sabotage the relationship. Maybe she feels guilty about breaking up after just getting engaged. Maybe she's just not good with confrontation. Maybe she has poor self-esteem and is afraid of finding herself alone. I know I delayed breaking up with my high school/college g/f for FAR too long (couple years) because my self-esteem, on a scale of 0-10, was about -500. Hell, we were essentially engaged (would have been the stupidest thing I ever did, and there's been no shortage of stupid things in my life).

In either case, though, it seems like it's out of your hands. She'll either "find herself" and want to come back in six months, or she'll go her own way. Not too much that you can do; if she wants out, she wants out.
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Old 08-06-2012, 07:58 PM   #25
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Yo dude, I'm at page one of this and I think you need to

A) don't get married
B) don't share your personal problems on the internet machine

You know what the answer is here. You don't need us to tell you. You're apparently miserable with this woman and you don't trust her. Marrying her isn't going to fix that, champ. It's just going to make it a whole lot more expensive to break up with her. And you will. You know it.

Marriage is a bunch of hard work. If you're getting married to make a bad relationship stronger, then you're making an enormous mistake. The fact that you're sharing personal information like this to total strangers on an open discussion forum is about all the evidence that you need that you're not ready to get married.

Go make yourself a beer. It is the right decision.
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Old 08-06-2012, 07:59 PM   #26
Barnzy02
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kenstogie View Post
Here's my 2 cents worth (having gone through a similiar thing a few years back) Could be she wants to get back with her ex (people want what they can't have) and you are the back up plan. Now I don't know about your gf but it sounds so incredibly similiar to my ex. and that scenario. Run, run fast and run far and when you're done running, run some more then hop on a train, then a plane, then start running again, repeat from beginning.
The thoughts crossed my mind. But i love this girl and i love my dogs. It's complicated and not easy to just up and run. I've thought about it, thought about lots of things.

I keep coming back to, myself personally, i'm not the type to turn and run when it's not working.

I'd much rather know, that i tried and did everything i could, and ultimately it didn't work. Even if i am setting myself up to get hurt, which i could very well be doing ...


Quote:
Originally Posted by Bensiff
Sounds like she can't figure out how to directly break up with you and is doing everything in her power to force it...sounds like you know it too just can't step beyond the emotional. I'd call it a done deal, break up, drink some beer with the guys to get over the hurt, when that subsides start dating other woman. Perhaps someday you will meet her again and there will be something there still, or perhaps it'll be Garth Brooks, "Thank God for Unanswered Prayers."
Yeah, it really can feel that way sometimes. Other times, i feel like I'm just being paranoid and over reacting.

It's a fine line, that i don't want to cross ... atleast not yet.

I don't want to give up on what we've had and potentially could have, because of a trying two month period.
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Old 08-06-2012, 08:01 PM   #27
Barnzy02
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WhiskeySam View Post
Yo dude, I'm at page one of this and I think you need to

A) don't get married
B) don't share your personal problems on the internet machine

You know what the answer is here. You don't need us to tell you. You're apparently miserable with this woman and you don't trust her. Marrying her isn't going to fix that, champ. It's just going to make it a whole lot more expensive to break up with her. And you will. You know it.

Marriage is a bunch of hard work. If you're getting married to make a bad relationship stronger, then you're making an enormous mistake. The fact that you're sharing personal information like this to total strangers on an open discussion forum is about all the evidence that you need that you're not ready to get married.

Go make yourself a beer. It is the right decision.
i pretty much stated before i started typing anything i'm not looking for advice.

I don't like talking to people close to me about my serious personal issues and that i just needed to vent.

I appreciate your opinion, but i'm not looking for someone on here to solve my problems.

Sometimes its nice to have 'anonymous' opinions or just have someone hear your bull****.
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Old 08-06-2012, 08:02 PM   #28
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Barnzy02 View Post
Thanks Yoop, from everything i read ... that's pretty much what i've gathered.

I guess it's just hard on me, in the sense, that i know this isn't 'about' me...but what about me!!!

It just sucks being the one that's left out to dry in all of this.


From what she's told me, it's not being apart from me ... it's being apart from anyone ? She seemingly has gone from relationship (bad) to relationship (bad) to relationship (me ... good ?) ... but has never been on her own, and hasn't had her own anything. I really, i don't know. hah.

Honestly, i don't know. The hardest part of this for me, is how adamant she was about getting engaged and such BEFORE. I feel like i put a lot on the line, and am sorta getting sand thrown in my face now.


Today started off like crap, but i'm feeling pretty good now. I'm just trying to find ways to stay positive. Thanks all.
It's definitely hard when you're in the middle of it! It's easy to say rationally, "Well, she's having these issues, and she needs to do xxxx" but it's really painful when it affects you (as well as her).

It's crucial for anyone, man or woman, to live on their own at some point before marriage and children. When I went through my divorce, I had a very hard time because I didn't even know what to cook or buy at the grocery store! My whole life was always "taking care" of others, and while I was in the Army I just stood in the chow line for dinner and lived in the barracks- I never had to make a decision about any of that stuff. Then I got married and "we" made the decisions but it really wasn't me or what I wanted. Then when my kids came, I worked on being the best mom. I never really felt confident about making any decisions for myself because I didn't know what I wanted and who I was.

I ended up in a crushing depression at the age of 26. It was the most painful time of my life.

But you know what? Little bits of autonomy make you feel like an adult, and that started my growing up process.

And now I'm telling my daughter the same thing! She went from our house, to a college dorm, to living with her boyfriend, to having her son. She's now at a crossroads, and while she loves her son with her whole being, she's regretful that she never lived on her own before because she doesn't feel competent as an adult (although she's a great mom). She's learning how to be on her own with her child, and without a man.

Your GF needs this. I know it's hard for you. But trust me, it's better now than after a marriage.
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Old 08-06-2012, 08:04 PM   #29
stamandster
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What's the famous saying "know thy self"? From what you mention it seems that she's has lots of emotional problems at the moment. I was always brought up that we can't rely on others to "make" us happy, but that it comes from within. So just remember, it's NOT YOU it's HER. Be as supportive as you can honestly handle.

I know I'm going to get ribbed for it, but, I watched a movie recently with my wife called "The Vow". It reminds me of pherhaps what you're feeling, the unknown & allowing yourself to let go so that the other person can grow (I know all that gooey emotional crap). Just because she might not be "living" with you doesn't mean that she's not "with you" (however, it would erk me if she continued to talk with an ex who treated her badly or was a bad relationship & she wanted to stay there).

Surely, you'd want be happy the rest of your life with someone else that's happy too?

Hopefully that wasn't sage advice

 
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Old 08-06-2012, 08:06 PM   #30
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Barnzy02 View Post

I'd much rather know, that i tried and did everything i could, and ultimately it didn't work. Even if i am setting myself up to get hurt, which i could very well be doing ...




Yeah, it really can feel that way sometimes. Other times, i feel like I'm just being paranoid and over reacting.

It's a fine line, that i don't want to cross ... atleast not yet.

I don't want to give up on what we've had and potentially could have, because of a trying two month period.
One other thought- how do you feel about counseling? The reason I mention that is that it seems like the truth comes out there. I mean, I remember blurting out something that I NEVER wanted to even think about let alone share (!) in front of a counselor.

You can get to the truth, in a safe place, if you're both ok with trying it. Not to "fix" things if they aren't fixable but to at least find out what the real problems are.
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