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Old 08-06-2012, 02:37 PM   #1
Barnzy02
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DSICLAIMER: I'm not looking for sage advice, and i'm not expecting anything. I don't talk to my close friends or family, as i don't like people close to me to know everything that is going on in my life. I'm a very private person, but i just NEED to vent.



The situation is, i got engaged to my g/f back in february, and things have just gone down hill ever since. All she
had ever wanted was to get married, you could say she was a nagger about it; i heard about it everytime another friend of hers became engaged. It didn't bother me, as i knew, at some point i would buy her a ring. Now, i'm wondering if that was the right decision....


Synopsis: She's from Florida, has been living in Philly for about 4 years, we've been seeing each for two of them. She is severely homesick, and always has been. Her parents are in poor health, and some of her close friends have gone through major life events, that she has been unable to be there for, which she has always been 'that' friend.

Early last year, i offered to move back to Florida with her, and we were seriously considering it for awhile. She ultimately, decided that it's just 'nostalgia' and that there's 'nothing really there' for her to move back to (several friends moved away, no jobs, etc.) So that went on the back burner, and we've just been chugging along.

I want to say in June, she came to me about her depression. She is unhappy, basically all of the time. She has had a hard time making friends in Philadelphia. Meeting new people hasn't worked out for her. She had originally moved up here for a guy, and that almost immediately fell apart as soon as she got here. She found out he had been talking to other girls, getting nudes, essentially cheating on her, and he treated her like crap when they were together here. Often going out and just leaving her at home. So any people she knows from Florida that live in Philly, she doesn't have much contact with as they are either a) were never friends or b) they're friends with her ex . She is feeling very isolated and alone, her job is constant stress and a source of unhappiness, but she can't 'afford' to take other job offers she has received. Our relationship has deteriorated to the point that we are stuck in this 'routine' and there is little to no intimacy at all.

I blew up on her, early in July, when she had been out drinking with friends, came home late one night she passed out on the couch, then moved to our second bedroom at some point. I woke up and went to read in our living room, her phone kept blowing up. I ignored it for a while, it kept going off, i finally looked at it ... Text from ex-b/f saying 'i miss you too'. I didn't go 'off the handle', but i basically woke her up, tossed the phone at her and said
'well, that's cool.' We fought for a good two weeks or so after that, and eventually had a sit down and tried to work things out. ultimately she claims the conversation wasnt 'like that.' It's more of a just missing her friends, they were friends before they dated, and she just misses her friends. I asked her to just stop talking to him, which apparently she had been, for our whole
relationship. It made me unformtable, and i didn't say 'you can't talk to him anymore.' I more or less, just asked. As, i am not looking to 'control'
anyone, she's a grown adult and can do as she pleases.

She is basically saying to me, that she just needs 'space of her own', she's been actively seeking either a room to rent with friends, or really what she wants is an apartment of her own. SHe feels like she's never been 'on here own' and always been dependent upon somebody else. I've been as open minded in all of this as i can be as, i proposed to her, i want to marry her,
and ultimately i just want her to be 'happy.' It does however, piss me off, that she's willing to strap herself financially, and move out, and not consider
my financial state whatsoever, i've basically been treading water for a while in regards to debt, and even homebrewing can be tight financially for me
at times. I pay all of our living expenses, apart from groceries and for our dogs.

Fast forward a bit, and Several, of her 'moving' options all fell through, however, this ex-b/f, who she still talks to just so happens to need to someone to 'dog-sit' while he works a few days a week down at the Jersey shore. She was, obviously, cautious to bring this up to me, as she was concerned she'd either hurt me or pisse me off. i have been as easy going about everything as i possibly can, because, ultimately the more confrontational and whiny i am, the worse i make everything.

So i tell her to go for it, she's staying there like 3-4 nights a week, while i stay at home with our dogs.

I'm at a point where, i have no f****ng clue what to do and what to think. I 'feel' like this is the end, she just can't or doesn't want to admit it. I also feel like there's a chance she is seeing someone else. She has no affection, compassion, or empathy for my end of this situation, and to be quite frank, i've been nothing but golden to her. I get really depressed sometimes, and really all it does is make things even worse between us ... i have to be the rock, and i just can't do it all the time. I need a reason to be strong for her, and she can't even give me one.

I'm just ... lost in all of this ... i LOVE this girl and want it to work; however it seems so naive of me. I also, feel like walking away from her at this point would be the ultimate dick move. I have accepted the mantra of 'whatever happens happens' but it just is very disconcerting to have absolutely no control over what happens and at times.

TL;DR - UGH!
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Old 08-06-2012, 02:55 PM   #2
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Well, I went through something similar 25 years ago. I have been divorced for 6. It will never change, and if I were you, I would call off the engagment and go another direction.

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Old 08-06-2012, 03:06 PM   #3
beeber
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You don't sound happy. There are plenty of other fish in the sea. Go fishing.

 
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Old 08-06-2012, 03:11 PM   #4
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I think you're getting to the crux of it at the end... it sounds like by trying to stay together, you're delaying the inevitable.

If the relationship is making you miserable, what's the point? Sounds like she has issues that she needs to work through herself. She wants to be engaged, but she wants to move out?

Let he go. She's either going to remain with you, but miserable... or she's going to go back to her ex-, and realize again all the reasons that they broke up in the first place. But you've got to take the leap and let her go, trust that you're still young and you'll find someone who actually appreciates you and doesn't make you miserable.

Life's too short, dude.
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Old 08-06-2012, 03:14 PM   #5
Barnzy02
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I 'was' happy, it's just these last two months have been awful. I went through a similar experience in previous serious relationship to this one, this girl pretty much restored my faith in a lot of things and for the first time in my life i was accepting of the idea of 'settling down' getting married, and even having kids. I find myself in a very pernicious state of mind. Do i give up on the girl that made me feel complete, JUST because she's unhappy, that seems EXTREMELY selfish of me ?

My brain does say run based on some of the things that have happened, but my heart says be there for her. What kind of person asks someone to marry them, then runs once things get hard ?
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Old 08-06-2012, 03:19 PM   #6
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You think that YOU'RE being selfish?
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Old 08-06-2012, 03:26 PM   #7
beeber
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You said yourself "I 'feel' like this is the end". Your gut instincts are telling you something. Bird is right, life is too short.

 
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Old 08-06-2012, 03:26 PM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by the_bird View Post
I think you're getting to the crux of it at the end... it sounds like by trying to stay together, you're delaying the inevitable.

If the relationship is making you miserable, what's the point? Sounds like she has issues that she needs to work through herself. She wants to be engaged, but she wants to move out?

Let he go. She's either going to remain with you, but miserable... or she's going to go back to her ex-, and realize again all the reasons that they broke up in the first place. But you've got to take the leap and let her go, trust that you're still young and you'll find someone who actually appreciates you and doesn't make you miserable.

Life's too short, dude.
Good advice right there

 
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Old 08-06-2012, 03:27 PM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by the_bird View Post
You think that YOU'RE being selfish?
This. If she can't see what she's doing to you, then she's too self-invested to even be in a worthwhile relationship right now. She needs to move out and figure some things out on her own, without someone else guiding the decisions she makes.

You may feel like its selfish to cut it off, and in a way it is. You need to start worrying about how you feel, and what you need. She isn't providing it in any way, and is simply taking advantage of the feelings you have for her at this point, even if its unintentional.

You can't ALWAYS be the one that gives and gives and gets nothing in return. That's not a relationship. If she's not giving these things back to you, in a meaningful and fulfilling way, then there is little point to continuing the relationship.

Look at it this way: would you rather have found out after you were already married?
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Old 08-06-2012, 03:36 PM   #10
Barnzy02
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Quote:
Originally Posted by the_bird View Post
You think that YOU'RE being selfish?
Yeah, i do. She is at her lowest, and it feels selfish to abandon her.

Although she has stated that she needs to sort this out on her own.

I suppose part of my problem has been always putting other peoples interests and feelings ahead of my own.

Quote:
Originally Posted by beardedidiot
This. If she can't see what she's doing to you, then she's too self-invested to even be in a worthwhile relationship right now. She needs to move out and figure some things out on her own, without someone else guiding the decisions she makes.

You may feel like its selfish to cut it off, and in a way it is. You need to start worrying about how you feel, and what you need. She isn't providing it in any way, and is simply taking advantage of the feelings you have for her at this point, even if its unintentional.

You can't ALWAYS be the one that gives and gives and gets nothing in return. That's not a relationship. If she's not giving these things back to you, in a meaningful and fulfilling way, then there is little point to continuing the relationship.

Look at it this way: would you rather have found out after you were already married?
You pretty much hammered it down.

This is how she has explained herself to me.

How can she be a wife or mother, if she can't even take care of herself, is pretty much how she explained it.

She's said that she doesn't 'want me out of her life' or 'this is the end' ...

my problem is i can't deal with the uncertainty of it all, i suppose.

I don't want to cut bait and run, because, this is what i want. Thats why i bought the ring, it's just really hard to be constantly positive and supportive while getting next to nothing in return.



In the end, all of your responses are greatly appreciated, as i haven't gotten any of this off my chest really in the past two months and it feels nice.
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