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Old 03-01-2012, 06:17 PM   #1
CreamyGoodness
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As a public service to young and old, I have decided to list a few phrases people use when they are about to say something objectionable. When you hear one of these innocuous-sounding phrases, cut the conversation short. If you cannot cut the conversation short for some reason, violence might be the answer*.

*Creamy Goodness is not advocating violence, and is mostly kidding. He's also bored.

1) I'd hate to bother you but... (subtext: I'm going to bother the crap out of you)
2) I've been thinking... (yes, but not for very long. Something half-arsed is going to be said now... e.g. I've been thinking that maybe I should change my major to animal husbandry seeing as how I always loved my cat Fluffy)
3) We need to talk... (RUN!)
4) You're a guy/girl/man/woman right?... (this person is going to give you TMI about their sex life and/or body parts)
5) Have you heard the good news?... (not too bad, but you ARE getting a copy of "The Watchtower")
6) In MY day.... (punch this guy. Just do it. It'll come to that anyway, trust me. "When I was a kid" or "Back in the 60s, or whenever" are NOT the same thing.)
7) Are you busy?.... (You're about to be!)
8) Im just saying.... (....something vile and stupid you think you can sanitize with a moronic phrase)
9) Call me old fashioned, but... (expect something obvious to be said here. For example, "Call me old fashioned but I really don't think assaulting a police officer is acceptable behavior."
10) Not for nothing, but... (now I'm going to teach you something you already know)
11) May I speak to the male head of household 18 years of age or older?... (obviously you are unfamiliar with the way the world works. I might be 18 years of age or older and male, but do you REALLY think I'm head of household?? Why dont you call my fiance's phone so she can ignore it? Also, I dont need what you are selling)
12) Can you spare a minute for....? (NOPE!)
13) It's SO much better going to the gym BEFORE work... (congrats perfect-pants... if you need me I'll be jamming a donut in my gaping maw)
14) Last night out of the blue (Ex's name here) called me... (I'm going to have to deal with crying and or the word "bitch" arent I?)
and the final one for now...
15) Promise you wont be mad... (Not only will I not promise such a thing, I am preparing for rage...)
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In the competition for the attention of the space aliens.
Everyone's equal in the eyes of God, but the space aliens, you've got to figure they would play favorites.




YES, WE HAVE TRIED OTHER YEASTS! USE BREAD YEAST FOR JAOM!


 
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Old 03-01-2012, 06:24 PM   #2
weirdboy
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Can you do me a favor?

 
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Old 03-01-2012, 06:29 PM   #3
JonM
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Any interwebs post that begins "Umm ..." Genius always follows.
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Who is this Rorschach guy? And why did he paint so many pictures of my parents fighting?

 
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Old 03-01-2012, 07:27 PM   #4
KayaBrew
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How about this gem: "Hey guys, watch this!"
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Old 03-02-2012, 01:06 AM   #5
Kittyfeet
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Another one is when a coworker who you don't normally deal with comes up to you suddenly and gives a big swarmy smile, pauses, and then says 'Hiii'.

I know they want me to do something, which is fine.
But the worst part is the smile. Don't smile! There's nothing funny going on! Just state your case, say please, and lemme adjust to my new workload.

 
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Old 03-02-2012, 01:48 AM   #6
wildwest450
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Is creamy goodness the new copy paste king of hbt???

 
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Old 03-02-2012, 02:40 AM   #7
JonM
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"Hello, Peter. Whaaaaaaat's happening? Say, I'm gonna need you to go ahead and ..."
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Who is this Rorschach guy? And why did he paint so many pictures of my parents fighting?

 
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Old 03-02-2012, 02:52 AM   #8
beninan
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I have an uncle (who is also a co-worker) who always starts off a conversation with "So, what did you do this weekend?" Just so he can end up talking your ear off about how awesome or crappy his weekend was.
The conversations usually go something like this:
Uncle: "So what did you do this weekend?"
Me: "Not much, brewed beer."
Uncle: "Well I went to yadda-yadda-yadda with whatsherface and didsomethingmuchbetterthanyou and now I'm going to bore you with an endless conversation on something nobody really cares to hear and so on and so on and so on..."

Every time I hear the dreaded "So what did you do this weekend?" statement, I try to make myself look super busy, answer quickly, and walk away before I get sucked in.
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Old 03-02-2012, 03:57 AM   #9
Kittyfeet
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Quote:
Originally Posted by beninan View Post
Every time I hear the dreaded "So what did you do this weekend?" statement, I try to make myself look super busy, answer quickly, and walk away before I get sucked in.
That's a shame. This question gets asked every Monday at 8am by either me or an office mate. It's a good way to start the week. Maybe the difference is that we all actually participate in the conversation and listen to each other, tho.

 
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Old 03-02-2012, 04:08 AM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wildwest450 View Post
Is creamy goodness the new copy paste king of hbt???
I bet he's got a ton of Yo Mamma jokes just a Ctrl + V away!

 
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