The guy with the piss bucket had me rolling... and THEN some guy came up with "I ran out of shampoo so I crapped in my hand, I hope this works." I nearly pissed myself I was laughing so hard.
See, that's where the real story is.
In the competition for the attention of the space aliens.
Everyone's equal in the eyes of God, but the space aliens, you've got to figure they would play favorites.
YES, WE HAVE TRIED OTHER YEASTS! USE BREAD YEAST FOR JAOM!